I Live On Grey Street

I gave Aidan some kisses today and he wiped his cheeks afterward. I said to him "Aidan, don't wipe off mommy's kisses because it breaks my heart." So he smiled and asked "What if I told you that you were my bestest friend?" So I said... "Well then it would un-break my heart and it would be better again." Then he asked in a serious and curious tone..."But how do you fix a broken heart mom?" All I could say was "I wish I knew."

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street.

She thinks, "Hey, how did I come to this?"
I dream myself a million times around the world
But I can't get out of this place.

Oh There's an lonliness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she knows well he doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her he might

She says "I pray! Oh but my prayers fall on deaf ears,
am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place? "

Oh There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart

She feels like kicking out all the windows

and setting fire to this life she would change

Everything about her

Using colors bold and bright

But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

It breaks her heart

To grey

Spiritual Quest

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau

"The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself." ~Anais Nin

“He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.” ~Lao Tzu

“My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.” ~Dalai Lama

"The awareness begins with a feeling of restlessness - an inner urging to find more meaning in life. As we respond to this inner prompting we begin to notice the "chance coincidences" - strange synchronistic events in our life. We begin to realize that some underlying process is operating our life." ~James Redfield

This blog is probably the deepest blog I have ever written. I've been on a journey of self-discovery lately that has raised a lot of questions and I've been searching for answers. I've been keeping a journal, but thought I would take this a step further and share my feelings with all of you. I came to a point where I felt my spiritual cup was empty and once I opened my mind and heart in search of something more meaningful, it also opened the doors for many realizations. A light bulb has clicked on. In order for me to be true to myself, I can't hold anything back. I am who I am. My heart is an open book for all to read. Read it or don't. Reply or don't. This is a personal reflection and I hope to gain more insight into myself by writing it down.

There comes a time in most everyone's life where they begin to question things. Things that are much deeper than our daily routines and of the material world. Some of us search for understanding and ask questions. What is my purpose? Who am I really? What do I want out of life? What do I believe? Am I being true to myself? You know, all those lighthearted things that are easily answered? ;) Universally, I believe we are all seeking the same thing in life...meaning. Some more than others, of course. ;)

Recently, I feel like the flood gates have opened, a fog has lifted and I have mental clarity that I haven't had in a very long time. This is a cycle that I find I go through from time to time. It usually occurs when my soul becomes quiet and I am still enough to listen. Let's go back a bit so that I can explain better....

My father was a very spiritual man. He was also 1/8th Cherokee and if you saw him, you would know. He looked very different from me. He had black hair, tan skin, a strong native-American nose, high cheek-bones (which I also have) and all knowing green eyes. Growing up, my father always tried to make every occasion a lesson. When you're a kid, this is annoying. He would say things such as "Always look within when you have a question, you have all the answers." or "Appreciate the beauty of nature and never take 'her' for granted." I would nod, then run off to play with my barbies, but somehow all of these tiny lessons sunk in and opened my young eyes to everything around me, without even being consciously aware of it.

My dad and I would sit atop our hill and watch sunsets together and have 'quiet time'.
I watched him ride our horses across the field and admire how they became one. (Yes, I thought this at a very young age) He always tended the garden and fruit trees with care and I always thought we had the prettiest gardens I had ever seen. In the morning he would pick blueberries for our cereal and in the evening he would make fresh salads that tasted better than any salad I'd ever had. I loved how connected he was with nature, animals and other people. He had many friends and many parties with VERY different types of folks. Eclectics, hippies, rowdy neighbors, ministers, yuppies, pretty women (wink), and cowboys. I overheard many interesting discussions on a wide array of topics; philosophy, horse training, politics, religion, wine making and sometimes UK BASKETBALL! I had a nice uncle who made homemade wine. He had a huge cellar that I loved to spend time in because he had a bunch of pretty glass bottles and he would always let me bottle wine in my favorite one. On Wednesday nights we would have dinner with them and my dad would always allow me a small glass. It was delicious! If my mom ever found out, she would have killed him. Ha!

One day my dad told me he was taking my sisters and I on a short trip. He took us to an airport and let us take a ride in my uncles small prop plane. As we were flying around, my dad kept pointing out just how small we really are in the World. Another lesson? Probably. :) Because of my dad's constant (annoying) teachings, I always felt much older than I really was and much more observant than other kids around me. While they were talking about stuff other kids talk about, I was (again subconsciously) assessing the environment and the people in it. It made me feel a little different and I didn't like it, so I pushed it away and tried to be ignorant and shallow like all my other friends. LOL (kidding)

For the most part, I was as normal as any other kid, but I always felt like I knew something more and a lot of that was because my dad was always showing me things, point out things I would have never noticed on my own. Don't get me wrong, my dad was a fun-loving guy, but for the most part he was like a sponge, absorbing life and truly appreciating it. I always recognized these beautiful qualities in him, even if I never let him know it. He died when I was 14. He was 46.

After my father passed away, I questioned things a lot. Life, death, and what it all meant. I was confused. Death is a heavy burden for a young teenage girl. I felt a little lost, so I turned to religion for the answers. I became very involved with my church and felt a sense of belonging that I hadn't felt anywhere else. I was a good-church going girl and even use to preach God's word to my siblings. lol I would write scriptures on post-its and stick them all over my walls to remind myself that I am loved. It was a sense of solace and filled something in me that I lost when my dad died. Religion gave me a focus and the peace of mind I really needed at the time. In retrospect, I was always seeking a higher meaning in life, even from a very young age.

As time went on the church became more....evangelical. It was the place to see and be seen. I would watch as people were touched by the Holy Ghost and they would pass out in rows like dominoes. Even at 14, I knew that was a little much. Too showy for my tastes. I had a hard time believing it. I loved God just as much as they did, but I wasn't falling on the floor or speaking in tongues to prove it. I also saw a lot of judgement pass around when there were new members and towards others who didn't believe as strongly as they did and it left a bad impression on me. God is my only judge and anyone who judges and uses him as their tool is NOT living His word. In fact, I dislike anyone who uses God as a crutch for bad behavior and blames The Devil for their sins. I got tired of seeing God used as weapon to attack. It didn't ring true to me. God is supposed to be love, forgiveness and open arms. Judgement was everywhere, it was disgusting. I also realized that how you feel about God is personal and that it wasn't necessary for me to go to a place of worship to honor Him. After the minister was caught cavorting with his secretary, I left that church for good.

At about 18-24 my life was completely different. At that age is when people REALLY search for who they are, want to be and will be. It's a confusing time, I believe. I also was surrounded by people who were like minded (open minded) and who I felt I could be my true self around. I had never felt more beautiful as a human being as I did at that time. I know this may sound bizarre, but I felt like a flower who was beginning to bloom. I was coming into my own and felt so alive and open to the universe. I felt very connected and the more I opened my heart to this "new spirituality" the more things opened up for me in my life. I could almost feel a bright light around me guiding me in a new direction. I felt awakened, open, honest and enlightened and I couldn't explain it or understand it. It was an overwhelming feeling of happiness. Real f*ing happiness! The kind of happiness that you can't get from anyone but yourself. It was pure and I had never felt more like, like...me. It wasn't religion, it was bigger than that. It was bigger than everything. It was a higher power.

Was it God? Was it the moon and stars and planets aligning perfectly for me at the time in my life? Suddenly I began to see God and love in everything and everyone. It dawned on me that God isn't one thing...but all things. I felt like I was making discoveries that no man had ever known and it was without any ego. I had no control over it. I just knew what I knew and was wondering why I was the one to KNOW IT! LOL It's almost as if I had all the answers to life and the universe. Funny huh? I know! I thought so too. In fact, it was so much that I was a little afraid of it and it made me uncomfortable. Now, please don't think I was suffering from mental illness. lol I wasn't. I had never felt more clear headed in my life. I think It was just the right time in my life for me to experience this. My mind and heart were opened and once I completely gave all my trust in it, it felt as though the sun was shining down on me. I felt a magnetic energy like I had never known. The law of attraction? I got everything I wanted and everything I thought of came to me so easily. I even fell in love.....hard. An all encompassing love that was without ego or expectations. It was unconditional, mutual, perfect and beautiful. To this day I know that this was because I was naked and bare to the universe. I layed down all of my defences and when I did nothing but good things came to me. Not that new loves that came later weren't perfect for me at that time of my life, but they are different because I was different. Make sense? At that time everyone who came into my life taught me a lesson, good or bad and I learned the lessons. I knew that every step I was taking and decision I was making was leading me down a path towards a higher state of being. I was fully aware...of everything.


One day, a friend and I were talking and he gave me a book and told me to read it. I don't know why he gave it to me. I hadn't really voiced all that I was feeling at the time because I wasn't even sure what it was, or how to put it onto words. I only knew that I felt an incredible energy I had never in my life felt. The book is called The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. I soaked this book up like gravy to a biscuit. It was me! It was my life, it was everything I was experiencing and learning and going through! I discovered that NO, it wasn't only me that felt a higher consciousness, which I never really believed I was by the way. ;) I realized that there indeed were others who experienced it as well. It spoke to me so much.I knew the secret long before it was The Secret. I was on a major spiritual journey and God was pointing things out to me in a very blatant way. "Go in this direction Christy!" It was all very obvious and maybe it's because I was so open to it. I'm not sure.

I know this is going to sound a little hocus pocus bogus, but I'll put it out there anyway....

I had all of these small things happen that seemed a lot more than mere coincidences. As if I was always in the right place at the right time. For example, one day I was not feeling well and needed a pick me up. From out of no where a stranger walks up and hand me a rose he had made out of paper, it even smelled like a real rose. He told me he gave it to me because I needed it. Then he was gone. I know this may seem like a coincidence, but I knew it wasn't. It just wasn't. Do you believe in coincidences?

Once I had lost a twenty dollar bill. I searched everywhere for it and never found it. Actually, I believe an acquaintance at the time, had stolen it. I didn't confront them because I knew that one day it would come back to me and I forgot about it. A few weeks later, I was at work and after a break I noticed an envelope on my desk and all that was written on it was "From an Angel". I opened it and inside was a one hundred dollar bill. I NEVER found out who gave that to me or why. Nor did I ever voice any financial concerns with anyone at work. It was a new job and I barely knew anyone. Little things like that happened to me all the time and over time it became more and more frequent. Everyone I met was someone I could learn something from and I attracted very positive, open minded, lovely people into my life. This is the essence of the Celestine Prophecy. There are different insights to each new level of understanding in seach of a deeper connection with God and the Universe. Visit this page for a small description of the 9 insights: Click Here! Finally, I was able to put this new 'wisdom' into a context and it too gave me a greater understanding of the laws of the universe and of nature. This book changed my life.

I had a lot of positive energy that surrounded me for a long time, from the people I encountered to new opportunities. Everything was laid out before me asking me to accept it. I wasn't consciously trying to attract things and I wasn't manipulating the 'universe' either. I think the more that positive things happened the better I felt and the more 'aware' I became until it was an avalanche of good things and experiences toppling over one another.

With all these new feelings, I also felt a sense of responsibility. Not necessarily to try to enlighten others, because I don't think that's entirely possible, but almost to be some sort of an example. I tried to live my life very honestly, toward myself and saw everything as an opportunity for growth. I did not have a God complex, if that's what you're thinking. In fact, I felt very small when I realized just how big the Divine really is. I know I am small and know nothing and I don't have all the answers, but I'm also wise enough to want to evolve into something more. In the grand scheme of things, we are just blips on the radar. I discovered that we are all made up of energy. Everything has energy in it and the more you 'nurture' those energies they become bigger. Much like negative attracts negative and vice versa. What you put out will come back, in one form or another. Where energy goes, energy flows. Karma.

After time, I became more and more uncomfortable for some reason. Maybe I didn't want to know it all, not that I did by any means, but I felt myself headed in a direction of knowing myself better than ever before and I wasn't sure I was completely ready for that. Assessing yourself, REALLLY looking at yourself is difficult and I learned I have many flaws. The more conscious I became of the World and myself, the more I wanted to hide. I wasn't prepared for all that was being revealed to me. As I said, a spiritual journey is a journey to find your true self. That isn't always a good time, ya know? I felt myself back away bit by bit. After resisting my feelings for a while, I slipped back into the material world of routine monotony and allowed clutter to cloud over me. I wanted ignorance again, because it was more comfortable.

Years later, after many trials and tribulations I am back at square one again. Life is a cycle. I remember waking up one morning to discover that I didn't have a reason to get up. Sure I have my kids, but what was in my soul was dry. I felt empty and let down. I felt no inspiration or real purpose in life other than to perform the duties that are expected of me, but I wanted more. I felt lost. I had lost who I was in all the mumbo jumbo of life. School, kids, work, husband, family, money....it all became a routine and lost it's real meaning. Other people are ok with this and that's great if they find happiness in it. But knowing how much more there is out there that can nourish my soul, I have a hard time ignoring that and I can't.

I'm not certain how to get back to that place where I felt complete, but I feel myself getting more intuned with nature and it's blessings again. There has been a recent energy shift and I can feel it and it's growing. I sometimes wonder if other feel this way too? Maybe it's because I'm ready to take back my power regardless of my circumstances and situations. Maybe I've once again come to realize that the real answers really do lie in myself. I am the ruler of my destiny and my thoughts and actions will dictate the outcome of my life.

In trying to find my way back, I've been doing a lot of reading of different religious and spiritual teachings and doctrines lately and it's eye opening. I won't get into religion now, it's a whole other can of worms. However I do feel very connected to religions that are much older than Christianity. All religions stem from the same seed however,...kindness, compassion, respect, love, trust, faith etc. The one place I know where I can find the purest form of solace is right smack dab in the middle of my chest. How can what you feel in your heart ever be wrong? For now, I am still seaching for that greater meaning and purpose and I imagine I always will be. This time, I will not turn my back on it, but embrace it with trust and openess. I thank God for all my blessings everyday, but I don't just want to be a taker. I want to give back what I've been given and be the best human being I can be. I hope I can once again find that magic that I once discovered in myself. It was the most beautiful and peaceful thing I had ever experienced. I wish this for everyone.

I wonder...have you had similar experiences? What has your spiritual journey with yourself taught you? Do you think that the World is in a state of higher consciousness?

There was a movie based on James Refield's book. I haven't watched it yet, but I plan to.


Peace.

It Just Keeps Getting Better

I got called in to work Peds this evening from 3-11. This should be interesting. NEVER worked in PEDS BEFORE! Hopefully I'll just get the med-surg overflow. ;/

Hi ho, hi ho...

Meltdown USA

I was floated to the Hospital's main campus today and it was HORRIBLE. First of all, my brain is beyong the ability to compute. It's mush. I'm having to work really hard to have my thoughts reach my fingertips right now. Bear with me.

I don't think I should have been floated to an entirely different hospital right out of the gate, but whatever. I never oriented there, so I think it's really shitty and I was not happy about it whatsoever. It's very irresponsible on their part, IMO! But I was just a warm body to fill a spot, a body to produce enough work that would be equivalent to slave labor in some places.

There is no way to describe today except to say that every patient was either completely dependant or near death. To give you an idea of the circumstances I was placed in I will say that I most of the reports I recieved (via phone, which I hate) left out huge, MAJOR bits information and I had to play super sleuth all day on top of super nurse ( and believe me...today I was NOT). The highlight of my day was walking into a pt's room to assess them only to discover that a)they had a peg tube I wasn't told about b) they also had a super-pubic catheter I was unaware of c) they were a quadrapalegic (which I knew about) AND d)they had more holes in them than swiss cheese. To top it all off, I come out of the room bewildered wondering if maybe I had the wrong pt entirely only to get a phone call from Infetion Control, informing me the pt has some sort of bacteria that my tired brain can't remember, but I was told it was worse than C-diff and MRSA combined. LOVELY! Oh and they were dx with this on 5/15 and we're just learning about this because....?

I was so pissed I thought my head would explode. Who is running that damn circus anyway? I told the charge nurse I was filling out an incident report. I think it's totally unacceptable. She just shrugged. OH and can you believe that that person with all the holes, and I do mean, GAPING, Gangrenous wounds, didn't even have a wound nurse consultation?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even have words, but 'dispicable' comes to mind.

The day only got worse. I had a young female pt (early 20's)yell at me because I would't let her get up to the bedside commode and suggested she use a bedpan....she had 2 broken legs for God's sake! Did she think I actually enjoyed cleaning out her bedpan? Seriously? As if my day needed all of her whiney, petty bullshit complaints. "My butt cheeks are squished together on the bedpan!" "Those diet people forgot my chocolate milk!" WAH! Geezus. She was on that call bell like white on rice. "I'm a patient too!" She said at one point. I took a deep breath, smiled and just walked out. I had so many sick people that her whiney butt just about made me loose my cool. I don't think I've ever come so close to mouthing off to a patient in my life. Her complaints weren't related to being sick. She thought she was at the damn Hilton and I was her maid and that's the bottom line.

My phone rang off the hook. At one point I was so overwhelmed with orders, giving blood, running my ass off looking for HELP, that I actually considered tossing the phone into a nearby toilet and saying F*CK IT ALL. I idn't get a lunch, not that that's nothing new, but no one even offered for me to go, Hell, the only person I really saw all day was my assistant and GOD BLESS HER! If it wasn't for her, I think I would have started acting a fool like Tom Cruise in Jerry McGuire.

I kept getting calls from telemetry about a pt who's HR was jumping from 170's-190's all day. Talk about NERVE WRACKING! I felt helpless as I was basically waiting for her to go into a-fib. Not to mention the poor woman was in the middle of a meltdown and I was about to go there with her, oh and I had to transfuse 2 units of blood to her as well. Another pt was being transferred to a skilled facility, paperwork galore... It was just too much today. Much too much.

If there is one thing I have learned by being a nurse, it's that without teamwork, your job is shit. Today, there was not a bit of it and for someone new coming to your hospital to help YOU, the least you could do was come out of hiding to offer some assistance. Anything would have been fine. Sighhhhhh. I wish I could cry. I am so frustrated at how use nurses get treated, especially the ones trying to do right by our patients. It's no use. We will continue to be overworked and underpaid because we need jobs and they need bodies. Mission accomplished. It's nothing but a breeding ground for error and it all comes back to me, us, the nurses. I'm feeling very used and abused today. Sorry.

Dave Matthews & Jason Mraz Show

....it was awesome, just awesome. Jason Mraz was too cool for school. I think he was just opening for Dave as a favor because he's entirely too good to only have a few songs to play. He sounds better live, if that's possible. Anyhow, it made me so happy to see Jason jiving on the stage. "I'm YouuUuuuUUures..." Loved it! =)

I've seen Dave several times, but I think this one takes the cake. DMB always gives their all in a show and they're all so dang talented. They rocked my socks off. I felt like jello when I left. The setlist was unbelievable. They opened with Bartender (couldn't have made a better choice). They also played Grey Street, Satellite, Crash, Jimi Thing, Ants Marching, Why I am, You Might Die Trying, Cornbread, Burning Down the House (...by the Talking Heads...gtfo! It was insane!) and some other stuff that was all incredible. They closed with Two Step and the Encore was Watchtower which is the most jamming and energetic song. I was a dancing machine, and now I'm so sore. I'm still reeling from it all. It was a great way to kick off the summer.

I also got to spend time with Ravin and we acted like silly school girls and giggled (and drank) all weekend. Don't worry folks, we had sober drivers to cart us around. She is recovering just fine (see previous post) and I was so glad to see her doing well. It was an awesome weekend and I'm sad it's already over. Here are bunches of photos and some videos from Saturday night's concert. =) Check em out. Who knows, you may see my head among the crowd. ;)



I'm hiding behind the wall because the top I have on made me look much fatter than I am. lol

We're just silly....



Girls night :)


My friend Maghan and I

Maghan, Ravin and I (chillin' in my 'fat' shirt)

Haaay!

We lurve eachother.

Hmmmm....

I dunno.

We are so wrong.



We were cracking up....but I can't remember why. LOL

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Something was awfully damn funny.

Maghan and I cruising around Nashvegas in an Impala.

We found these glasses in the backseat and put them on. 5 minutes later, the song 'I Wear My Sunglasses at Night' came on the radio. Priceless.

Dorks

She wuvs me

Finally!







The Man. Dave came out to introduce Robert Earl King & Jason Mraz. WOOOOOOO!

Oh Dave, no need to point me out. I know you love me. ;)

Mr. Mraz takes the stage...


Maghan's first Dave show. I told her she was in for a treat. She cried the whole time. It was so fing amazing.

'I- won't - hesitate, -no - more,- no - more...'

We are so stinkin' happy.


'Good God, get em up way high, gimme, gimme that high five...'



'IIIIII won't worry my life away, nooo...'



Peace & Love Baby!






Waiting impatiently on Dave!

Ahhh....cold chills. I love you DAVE!

'Bartender please, fill my glass for me, with the wine you gave Jesus that set him free after 3 days in the ground....'

'Who's got their claws in you m friend? Into your heart I'll beat again...'

'Winters cold, spring erases. And the calm away by the storm is chasing. Everything good needs replacing. Look up, look down all around, hey satellite.'

'Hey, my love, you came to me like wine
comes to the mouth. Grown tired of water all the time. You quench my heart and you quench my mind.'

'All wet. Hey you might need a raincoat. Shakedown. Dreams walking in broad daylight. Three hun-dred six-ty five de-grees. Burning down the house!'

'The day is gone, Im on my back... staring up at the ceiling.
I take a drink, sit back and relax...smoke my mind make me feel better for a small time...'
' What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me...'


'She thinks, "Hey, how did I come to this?"I dream myself a thousand times around the world, but I can't get out of this place. There's an emptiness inside her and she'll do anything to fill it in, but all the colors mix together - to grey...'
'But you and I weve been through all that,(yes we have). And this is not our fate. So let us not talk falsly *now*,The hour is getting late.'


'Sweet like candy to my soul, sweet you rock and sweet you roll. Lost for you, I'm so lost, for you. Come crash...into me.'
'Hey my love do you believe that we might last a thousand years or more if not for this? Our flesh and blood it ties you and me right up... tie me down.'


'I will be your dixie chicken if you'll be my Tennessee lamb, we can go together down in Dixie Land..."

Please watch these vids. They are all from the concert I attended. I think everyone should love DMB. LOL They aren't the best videos, but the songs are awesome and I was there jammin' to it all, hugging on strangers and just simply loving life =) Music is universal.


Opening song: Bartender (Nashville 4-25-09)


Jimi Thing (Skat): Dave and Boyd turn this song OUT!


Burning Down the House!


Encore: All Along the Watchtower. My favorite Dave 'concert' jam. WATCH THIS! They get crazy with it. A'freaking'mazing! Oh and BTW, I called this as their Encore song, thank you, thank you very much. ;)