Lunch anyone?

We had an F2 tornado pass through our neighborhood Thursday evening. It was pretty scary...our doors kept opening and slamming, the wind was howling like some wounded animal, and it's true what they say...it does sound like a train. Shiver. I don't want to go through that ever again. Thank God we came away unscathed. We had a tree down in our back yard and part of our fence was blown over, but we're all ok. Some of the neighbors had much worse damage to their homes, so no complaining here. Because of the storm we lost our power for a couple of days and it came back on last night, thankfully. You never know just how bored you can be until your power goes out. You can only stare at eachother for so long before you go mad. I decided to go to the bookstore to kill some time and picked up one huge ass novel to read. It's second in sales only to the Bible and I thought...why not. You may have heard of it..Gone With the Wind? Yea, that one. Why do I want to read this book, you ask. Because it was cited as the greatest American novel ever written...how can I pass by it and not pick it up? I should probably wait until after the final exam to start reading. Don't you think?

We had our graduation lunch yesterday. I was surprised that it was as nice as it was. It had an arabian them (random), but it was kinda beautiful actually. As I sat there I looked around at all of my classmates and got a little sad that this is one of the last times I'll be seeing them. Then I thought...I'm glad this is one of the last times I'll be seeing them because I'm tired of their faces. LOL Like I said before, it's bitter sweet. I get along with almost everyone in my class, others...always wanting to start trouble. Even at our luncheon...yapping about how they don't like one or the other. Get over it! It gets old. Can't we all just get along? So, for that, I will be glad to be gone and move onto other ventures. Some of them, I will miss so much. We have been through a lot together. It's sort of like breaking up with someone. You don't want to do it, but you know it's time to move on.

I went ahead applied for a registered nurse applicant job the other day. (I'm finally an "applicant"). The reason I already applied is because I won't start my 120 hour NCLEX required hours until after I have a hospital orientation, which they only do a couple of times a month. In other words...It may be after New Years before I'll have orientation. I'm nervous about it, it's getting way too real now. It didn't have an option for what area I want to work in, so I guess I'll get my options handed to me during the interview. Providing I get one, that is. I'm scared I'll pick a unit that I end up hating. That's my greatest concern, because as of right now, I still don't know what I want to do. Scary. I'll keep ya updated on the job hunt.

I have 6 more days of class until I don't have class ever again! What a nice thought that is. Next Friday is our 4th test and I really need to start studying this weekend. I'm really tired of studying and what I'd like to do more is to start reading that book, but alas, I have to be responsible. Ugh.

Here are some photos from our lunch:

Happy Tuesday

Do you ever catch yourself diagnosing people and they don't even know you're doing it? Scenario as of yesterday:
Miranda and I driving in the car:
Miranda: Look how big that guy's adams apple is! (Pointing with mouth slightly agape)
Me: Bejeezus! Maybe he has a thyroid problem (Staring at the humongous growth)
Miranda: I bet it's a goiter (she says with certainty)
Me: Yep, it's a goiter alright (I reply with certainty)
Miranda: Maybe we should scream out the window and tell him
Me: (Laughs hysterically at the thought)
Miranda: (Laughs hysterically too)
Me: I hope he gets that thing fixed. Ick.
Goiter guy thinks we're checking him out, winks at us and drives away. Maybe we made his day.

This occurs all of the time. What else also occurs is people calling me and asking me what is wrong with them and expecting me to know what to do.
Scenario:
Friend: I have this achy pain that shoots through my thighs sometimes. What is it?
Me: Well...it could be any number of things. Have you done anything to strain it lately?
Friend: No
Me: How often does it happen?
Friend: Only after I run up the stairs several times a day
Me: (blank stare)
Friend: Well...do you know what's causing it and what do I do?
Me: Um... get a house without stairs

I was on call in labor and delivery last week and we had a pt who was demanding to have an induction THAT day. She was only 36 weeks (not full-term)and not in labor. She said was in so much pain she couldn't take it any more. She was crying and seemed really depressed so I decided to go in and talk to her.
Me: Hi, I noticed you were upset. What is bothering you today? (Note how I'm using the "therapeutic techniques") Ha!
Pt: (sobbing) I'm hurting and I can't take it anymore
Me: Where exactly are you hurting?
Pt: (pointing to her fully round belly) Right here.
Me: What kind of pain is it? Is it stabbing, aching, shooting or cramping pain?
Pt: No, I just feel REALLY full all of the time. I can never get comfortable and I am constantly going to the bathroom to pee.
Me: Um, Uh...
Pt: (sobs more, complete with hiccups. Boyfriend is mopping her brow with a cloth)
Boyfriend: Isn't there something you can do? She said she can't get over feeling full all of the time
Me: Um..She's pregnant
Pt: I just want to have this baby today! (Sob, sniff, sob, sob)
Me: You are only 36 weeks and you are not in labor yet. You do know that at 36 weeks, your baby isn't fully developed and isn't ready to come out?
Pt: I had my last baby early. He was only 4 lbs and he's fine! (yell, sob, sniffle, gives pleading look at boyfriend to do something) Boyfriend shrugs and continues mopping her brow.
Me: (blank stare) Can I get you some ice chips?

Some people.....

Yesterday I had to return to the dungeon. I was there 8 hours. I hate Mondays. We have our next exam next Friday (26th), I hope I pass this time. I just discovered that although our final is on Halloween, we still have our last clinical the day after. So much for throwing a party. I'm so ready to start my precepting hours so I can get my hands on some real patients. In L&D and post partum we haven't gotten to do a lot. It's been kinda boring...nothing like I thought it would be. So, more than likly L&D isn't the field I want to venture in. Do you see how much I change my mind? During my on-call hours I did get to see a delivery (not the one mentioned above. They sent her whiney butt home). I cried when the baby was born, probably more than the mother. I'm a big ole baby, I can't help it. It was emotional, and beautiful and messy as hell. Giving birth is a bloody business. More bloody than the leg removal I witnessed. Oh, and the placenta...it looks like a liver. It's very vascular and I couldn't stop staring at it. It was almost as big as the baby. Groovy. The baby was 9lbs and 10 oz. Talk about a big ass head. When the head popped out, it looked like an adult sticking out of her vagina. I cringed inside at the pain she must feel. The girl didn't even flinch. Damn, who said women didn't have balls?

Sigh. I'll probably just start in Med-Surg (the melting pot) and choose a specialty from there. Also, I decided to wait until after Christmas to get a job. For one, I don't want to work this Chrismas, and two, I want plenty of time to study for the NCLEX, which I think I'm taking in January. I still have no clue as to what review course to take, there are just so many. Kaplan, Hurst, Saunders, Lipincott. So many choices, not to mention they're about $250-$350 bucks per course. Most people say that nothing can prepare you for the test, so if that's true maybe I'll just rest on my haunches and do nothing. Does that sound like a good plan, choosing to not have a plan? But, is not having a plan in essecnce still having a plan? Maybe I'll choose not to plan to not have a plan ,but then is that still a plan? GOSH DAMNIT it anyway! I hate plans. And by the way, who ever came up with the word - plan? Plan is a dumb word. It's about as dumb as corn or pork. (inside joke -wink-)

9 more days, la la la. 9 more days, la di la la. I technically have only 9 days of school and clinical left. I can't believe this is finally happening. It doesn't seem real. I'm ready. I was ready 3.5 years ago, but I'm realllllly ready now. We've done all of our skills, we have none left. That is a great feeling. I still have 2 tests to take, 3 papers to write, Wellness day to plan and 3 more clinical days...all in 9 days. Wow, we.......are.......so.......screwed. Ah well, I can do this. I will get through this and when I'm finished I will look back and feel tired, because that was hard freakin' work. I will graduate with honors. Can you believe it? I recieved a letter from Phi Theta Kappa (National Honor Society) and was invitied to wear the tassles. I am honored and will wear them with pride because I have worked my little booty off, and aside from the tassles, I also deserve a gold dipped, diamond encrusted, sparkly ass cap and gown too, as we all do. In honor of our graduation, the 3rd year class is to throw us a graduation lunch this coming Friday. We planned this the year before for the graduates and it was a nice way to say farewell. It feels good to be on the recieving end of it all for once.

I had better start writing those papers now since I have the day off. Don't want to procrastinate to the very end. I do have some semblance of pride in my work ya know. Now, If you believed that then you'll also believe that I have an ocean front property in Arizona.

Please ready Aidan's site for a new update. Have a great Tuesday!

Wanna Jam?

This song is magic. It kills so much it has 2 parts: Jimi Thing~DMB featuring Warren Haynes. Check, check, check it out:

Calgon, take me away!

I have officially done it, I've failed my first nursing test EVER. It's all my fault, I barely studied. Funny thing is, I don't care much. I got a 76 and I needed atleast a 78. Maybe they'll throw a couple out...not likely...but you never know. I still have an 89 avereage in the class, so I'm not worred and it's actually liberating not to cry about it. I'm ok.

Hey look at little miss nursey pants:



I know these are kinda small, but it's as big as I could get them. I have to choose between the two and I think I like the second one best. They didn't turn out as horrible as I thought they would, I'm just glad I didn't have my eyes closed in all of them. Ha!

I'm on fall break! Yay! I've never needed a break more. Everyone is getting on everyone elses nerves. Ugh. You can feel the tension as you walk into class...it's awful. I'll be glad when the final is over and I can start precepting. I think we all need a long break from eachother. Friends are bickering with friends...it's so high school and stupid and guess what? I'm over it!

I am so ready to graduate and be finished with nursing school. I have a terrible case of senioritis. I find myself waiting until the last minute to do anything, so I'm going to take this break as a time to catch up. I've set aside one day to get everything caught up and then I'm going to enjoy the rest of my break doing nothing! I still have to get my 10 hours of labor and delivery on call hours complete and I have to do 10 hours of precepting orientation too. I don't know when I'll get that done. Sigh. Anyhow..

Aidan is doing really well. Not much new to report other than we couldn't be more happy that he's doing so good. I just want him better and then and only then can I breathe and relax.

Shameless

This is horrible. How can Ok! Weekly magazine get away with exploiting these children this way? They are innocent victims in all of this....what a travesty. I only posted here because no one reads my blog, lol, like some others who have millions of hits a day. A-Hem! Perez Hilton. I know I will NOT be buying this mag...some people take things way too far. I know Britney Spears is a major mess up, she just doesn't quit and I'm sure we will see new photos of her tomorrow out and about at some club, however, this girl needs some serious help, especially right now. No matter how "bad" of a mother someone is, it must really hurt her to have lost her little boys. I truly think she has a mental disoorder that led her down the road to drugs and alcohol. A sane person doesn't shave all of their hair off..HELLO! It's so sad she has alientated her family, because I think she needs them the most right now. I feel so sorry for her, she isn't a bad person, she just needs some major help! I think the best thing the judge could have done was ordered her to go to a treatment facility until the counselers thought she has recovered. Now, after losing her boys, she's really going to be out of control. Sigh.

What has happened to Miss Britney? We are all so obsessed with this story because we are so shocked by it. She was a mouseketeer for goodness sakes. She was the girl everyone loved and she has lost all that she had..for what? My theory...she doesn't know who in the hell she is. She grew up having people worship her, having everyone at her beck and call, having the money to do whatever she wanted and it's caught up with her. Fame, money, Hollywood is a cest pool of lies, deciet, and monetary gain. She needs a life coach...maybe she should call Scott Baio for some advice. Seems like he has "growing up Hollywood" issuse of his own. By the way, is he still single?

I'm just so saddened for her. I hope/want her to get some help. We're all watching while she falls apart before our eyes. It's shameful. SOMEONE, DO SOMETHING, before she ends up like Anna Nicole.

Creep me out

Ok, so I headed on over to the ABC Bachelor Website and was doing some reading. I haven't watched this season, but was curious. Anyhow... I go to the message board and read some posts that Andy and Tessa are split up. So I post a kind message with Aidan's you tube link and tell them that only a few weeks ago they visited him...together. Low and behold I realize early on that these people are hard core when it comes to Andy and Tessa. I'm talking...seriously, seriously hard core. I was sent a message stating that they have photos of Aidan on another site and to come and check it out. What? Photos of my kid? So I venture over there and see photos that came from this blog, MY BLOG...(See post entitled "Update" that was written in August). SO, yea, I felt a little icky about that. They also had made screen caps from Aidan's video. Ewww. Weird. For them I'm sure it's no big deal, but for me this is weird. Anyway, I mentioned that it would have been nice for someone to let me know they are posting these on another site because I'd like to know...HELLO. They then proceed to tell me that they didn't get the photos from here. A-Hem...my husband took the damn pictures!!! This is the only place those photos were posted! (Not speaking of the you tube vid- but the other pics)Anyway...yea I'm preturbed at people. Please..NO STEALING. Don't use my child as a "We love Andy" parade. Those pics aren't about "him". Geez people, have some freakin' respect. From now on, JUST ASK. I don't know many other people who would want pics of their child on some random sites. This site isn't really "public" considering it isn't easliy findable...for many reasons. I'm not trying to be mean, but this is my son and I would like to have been told. That is all I'm sayin'.

I guess this is what happens when you post things online... be forewarned.

p.s. I know that none of the vid, or photos posted was meant with ill intentions, so please know I am not angry about that. From a mom standpoint, it's just awkward.

Keep on Keepin' On

We had our nursing photos taken today, complete with old school cap and all. Most of us wore t-shirt-type tops, although I was against it (unprofessional looking), but I'm a follower and since everyone else wore one I did too. Ha! I think I'm not going to like my picture and here is why...I curled my hair this morning and it looked so pretty. Fast forward 2 hours post lecture (yes, they made us wait) and my hair had all fallen and was not lookin good. :-( Booo...I've waited so long for these pics and my hair was looking whack. I should have just brushed it out, I wish I had now. Damn. It's a girl thing. Oh well. As soon as I get them, I'll post one... as long as it isn't too fugly. I'm so angry I didn't just brush it out. Now I will harp on this until I see the crappy pic, then harp some more. I mean, this is THE photo. THE one weve waited years for and have earned the damn right to take and my hair looks like a ratty mess. Can I cry now? I know it's dumb, but it can't be done over. Oh well...life will go onw with or without my shitty photo.

Not next week, but the week after is our fall break. After that we have 2.5 weeks left. OMG!!! We still do the hospital hours, but who cares, that's the fun stuff. He he. No more books...yay! It will definately be bittersweet to say goodbye to all of the people I have spent the past 2 years with. We've gained a few, lost a few, but I honestly like everyone...well almost. (wink). It's starting to feel kind of real now with all of the NCLEX talk. I'm trying to decide which review course to take to prepare. I heard Kaplan sucked and that Hurst was the best. How are you suppose to know which one to take? Decisions, decisions. Our next exam is next Friday and honestly, I'm not sure what to study. I have senioritis majorly bad. It takes everything in me to pay attention, or to even show up for class for that matter. I'll just keep on keepin' on until the end. I've made it this far...

Oh yea, I forgot to mention Grey's Anatomy. Did anyone watch? I wasn't impressed, although I did think the beginning was funny when all the new residents were reciting Bailey's speech to the new interns. WHat was with Izzy and Bambi? Seriously? ...Seriously? Why does Merideth and Derrick have to constantly be having drama? I can't even say I remember why they're breaking up, they've done it so many times. If a man looked at me the way he looks at her, I'd never leave his ass. Get over your hang-ups Merideth, we're tired of your whining! I don't like the fact that Callie stole Miranda's job. I don't like not having Addison on the show. Burke is gone....good riddance and poor little George is an intern...again. This had better be a good season and Shonda Rhimes needs to get her mojo-juju back. Don't mess with my show! Like KFC...let's go back to the original recipe.

Teach Your Children Well

Mike Rowe Slinging Junk

You know Mike Rowe from the show Dirty Jobs? Did you also know he used to be a host on QVC of all places? If you want to see Mike selling the ever favorite 80's fashion craze, turtleneck dickies, or precious moments dolls and the like, then you must check out these clips: He's the same ole Mike.

The day that changed my life forever

Today we had clinical and I was on post-partum. It was an easy day, and I needed that. I was exausted enough, so the slow change of pace was welcomed. I see those new moms with their new little bundles of joy and I feel a little sad. I remember when I had my children and the happiness and hope I felt at the great future ahead. Never would I have imagined that one day my little bundle would be face to face with the unimaginable. I would have never imagined I would be in this situation...not in a million years. My life is overwhelmingly overwhelming. School, home, family and my son's illness is breaking me. I think I've been so busy I haven't been able to properly assimilate all that is facing me...us at the moment. Maybe that's a good thing, but will it catch up with me and haunt me?

At night, that is the worst. It's when I'm all alone with my thoughts and I don't have anything distracting me. Sometimes I just cry, and cry and push those thoughts and feelings away because they are too real...too vulnerable...too much for me to take. I take on different roles throughout the day. At school I'm focused, at clinical I am organizing and planning, at home I am mommy, but at night, in my bed
I

feel

all

alone.


My heart is so sad regardless of my positive thoughts. My reality is also my nightmare and I have no control over it. I pray, I smile, I hide my fears.
When we were at the doctor's office, before Aidan's diagnosis, I came home and looked up leukemia because it was mentioned, in an "I'm sure that's not it" sort of way. I sat at my computer and Googled the word. What I read had me in hysterics. I knew, I knew in my gut, in my soul, even though I didn't want to. A mother knows. I knew that those signs and symptoms were describing my son. I felt my heart in my feet and felt my soul split apart.

At the hospital while waiting on "the" results, I knew. I prayed to God, but all the while, I knew that my prayers were going to be unanswered. I sat in the chapel and wept and lost all control. My body shook uncontrollably from fear. The whole time I was in there, I stared at the windows. They had little children on them praying and reading the bible. I remember those stained glass windows as if they were the lines on my own face. I remember the nurse's reaction as she walked in to find me, distraught, disheveled, lost. I wanted to scream!!!!! I wanted to hit her just for being there and not doing anything but watching me fall apart. I wanted to shake her and make her fix it! It wasn't her fault, but still, I wanted to blame someone. I wanted to know why? WHY, WHY, WHY HIM? Why Aidan? "Not now! Not my baby! No, no no!"


My heart knew, despite my minds advice. I got it all out, there in that chapel, so that when I walked back in to look at Aidan's face I'd have no more tears to weap. I felt a peace as I left there, because I prepared mtself as best I could. We were told on the phone, I gulped and almost vomited at my husband's feet. I saw his face break, fall, but pull back together so as not to scare me. I knew he did that for me. We looked into each others eyes while listening and I think we both left our bodies for a moment. Aidan was next to us, in his hospital bed. We kept it together, for him. I thik it was in the middle of the day, but I can't remember. I lost some of that day and thinking back now it seems like a blur. But there is one thing I remember with absolute certainty... The doctor said it will be ok, he'll be cured, she's sure of it. There's hope, the hope we were begging in our broken hearts to hear. We cling to that with all of our might. I cling to it because it's all I've got. With every tear that runs from his sweet little cheeks, with every smile that he gives despite everything, I have hope. Without hope, what is there? Yes, I too have my low moments. Today is one of those days and lately, many of my days have been low. How does someone process something such as this?

There are so many families that are going through this exact same thing, so why do I feel so all alone?

Never take life for granted.


I'm glad I got to get this out, once and for all.

Two All Beef Patties

I had my test yesterday and did ok. I missed 7 our of 50 and got an 86%. I could have done better but the questions I missed are ones I didn't even have in my notes. Arg!

Example: A mother (with no complications) wants to deliver at home in a tub. One of the most important things to inform her is:
a) She isn't allowed. Tub births are unsafe.
b) If her temperature rises and the fetal monitor shows abnormalities then she will need to take breaks outside of the tub
c) she cannot wear a fetal monitor in the tub
d) she needs to fill the tub with lots of bubbles so the baby is clean when it comes out (Ok, I made this one up, but the rest are actual answers)

I picked C, because I had no idea you could wear a fetal monitor in a tub. I was thinking she may be electrocuted. Ha! The correct answer was B. If I knew they could wear one in the bath I obviously would have picked the right answer. DER @ me.
Anyhow, it's over and I passed, so no complaints there.

I was off from school today so I got to go with Aidan to his Dr's appointment. Today he had another lumbar puncture (spinal tap) and a bone marrow aspiration (again). The lumbar was to insert Methotrexate and to take some spinal fluid and test it for cancer cells and the other (BMA) was to make certain his cancer is gone. If so, he won't have to have any of these tests for a while. We pray.

It's so hard on him. He's getting hospital anxiety...REALLY BAD. Can you blame him? We stayed at the Ronald McDonald house the night before. It's a pretty neat place. It's designed for families who are at the hospitals with their children a lot and who live out of town. The cost is $10 a night, so you can't beat that. It has 4 floors and each floor has it's own kitchen, family room and play areas. There is a main kitchen on the main floor and it also has a large dining area attatched. Every evening a church, or individuals volunteer and cook a dinner for the families, isn't that nice? It has a lot of amenitites too such as: tons and tons of books for parents and kids, movies galore, each room is set up like a hotel room, toys, computers for public use, an outdoor play area, fully stocked kitchens with tons of goodies at your disposal (very bad for us-HA!), 4 washers and dryers and much more. I'm just very impressed with the place. It's also locked from the outside so no one can get in, only the families. It's designed like a home in many ways, but is more like a hotel. And because it's such a great place, for a great price, each family has a chore to do daily, as well as keeping your room clean and linens changed, which we didn't mind doing. Aidan originally thought he'd get to eat McDonald's food there all day, not so. They don't have a McDonalds on the premisis, but after his treatment he did get to have some of his favorite treats from the McDonald's at the hospital. It was a happy end to the day.

Anyway, back to what I was saying....while at the RMH, Aidan was already fretting over going to the doctor's in the morning. Sigh. I hate it as much as he does and wish I could take all of his treatments for him. He's so young, he doesn't really understand that it's for his own good. He screams even when they put EMLA (numbing cream) on him. He's just terrified. I'll be so glad when we can look back on this and say that it's over...that will be a great day. The doctor said he's doing really well and that his cytogenetic test revealed he had a triple...something I can't pronounce, but she basically said that there are 3 chromosomes (or something I didn't fully understand-will Google later) and that it's a GOOD THING! This bone marrow will determine his next treatment regimen and will determine for certain what risk catagory he is in. She believes he'll be in the low risk...ANOTHER PLUS. I guess that means he won't have as intense round of therapy as a high risk person might. I'll update more on this when I understand it myself. Also, Aidan is officially off the dexamethasone (steroid). YAY!!!! The doc said he'd stop eating after a few days (booooo!), but he'll feel better not having all of the extra swelling and weight.

Well, that's all for today. Have a nice week!

Our New Normal

6 more weeks (excluding Fall Break) and I will be finished with lecture FOREVER! Can you believe it? I can't. Time is really flying by this semester, and I'm damn glad too! Monday we have our second exam (I may have said this in a previous post), but it's finishing up OB and then we're onto Peds. I'm imagining peds will be more difficult than OB was. I didn't think the OB concepts were hard (AT ALL), but we flew through the material and I hate that (even though I'm glad it's almost over).

When I say I'm done forever, that is what I would love to happen. I always said I'd go back for my BSN, but with things the way they are now I don't see it happening, anytime in the near future anyway. I've already been in school full-time with my ADN for 3.5 years. Doesn't that constitute one semester shy of a BSN? Just kiddin'. He he. I'm just proud to get this ADN finished and afterward focus on the NCLEX. (Insert scary anticipation music here). Let me just say this.....The NCLEX scares the shit out of me. I have read of so many people failing and it would really suck if that happened. I just wouldn't want to go through that again...NO way, NO thanks! I do have to give myself credit though, when I first started nursing school I was a horrible "critical thinking" test taker. I have really improved. I'm good at narrowing things down and closing my eyes and picking between the last two answers. HA! We've been told that the NCLEX questions are easier than the ones they give us in nursing school. If they're trying to "prepare" us, then why not make the questions as close to the real ones as possible? GEEZ!

Some instructors like to show off just how smart they are. We had one last semester and all her questions were way over our heads and really advanced. By the time I picked my answer I'd have a headache and afterward she'd say that it was way harder than and NCLEX question... Why? Why torture us in this way? Grrr.

I feel like this is my life...school...and that I will forever be in this grind. I can't imagine my life where I don't have to go to class, or study, or stress, or get no sleep. As close as the end is, it still doesn't seem possible in some way. Like it's never going to happen..graduation. I think I'm still in denial.

Aidan is doing well, but complaining of leg pain. This is a side effect of the chemo. I hate that word...chemo. Did you know that every drug is chemotherapy? It means to treat therapeutically with chemicals. Interesting. SO why can't they call "chemo" by what it is...medicine. The word has this awful stigma and I still have troubles saying it aloud. I sometimes wonder if my husband is in a deep denial. I hate to say that, but he seems really detached and ....hmmm. I guess everyone handles things differently. Since this is my venting place can I just say that his behavior troubles me? I just can't get HAPPY right now. This isn't a happy time. As much as I am thining positive, I still don't have the energy to be so complacent. Hell, I'm a worry wart at heart and not everyone is, but a little is a good thing. Right? Maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it, in an emotional way, like a woman would, does. I'm just trying to figure things out. Figure out everything. Not much makes sense anymore. Like I said before...this is a new normal.

My Tummy Hurts

Today was an icky day. I woke up with some horrible stomach pains and now I'm nauseated. Oi! I think I may be getting that dreaded stomach virus that seems to keep plaguing my family. I have had this virus 3 times in one year and let me say then everytime I get it, you'd think I had food poisoning. It's violent. I haven't been that sick since I was a small child. What is this virus and why won't it leave me and my family alone? Luckily Aidan is visiting with my mom, his grandmother for the weekend. I would hate it if I gave this to him. Sigh. I'll have to isolate myself in my room until I feel better. I should take the opportunity to catch up on some rest. I'm tired.

Thursday I was in the nursery for clinical. A lot happened and I'll have to tell you about it later...

I had a quiz today. I think I got 2 answers correct. I hate quizes and don't see the point when we have EXAMS! I guess I'm in a grumpy mood. I miss Aidan and although my mom is right, we need a break, I can't help but worry. After class I went for some shop therapy at our local Life Uniform store and bought some cute scrubs. All we wear for school is white, and since I'll be starting my precepting hours soon, I'll get to wear regular scrubs. FINALLY!! Did you know that Katherine Heigl from Grey's Anatomy is designing a new line of scrubs? I didn't either...interesting. Speaking of..I cannot wait for the new season (4) which starts in 2 weeks. Yay! I'm sure there will be much to talk about. Have you watched the season promos? Izzy asks George where in the hell he has been. I can't wait to see how that storyline will work itself out, considering he failed...poor George. I guess they added that in so he'll have to be around the new interns. Namely, Merideth's sister (whatever her name is) ha!

Aidan is doing good. Next week he goes for another lumbar puncture and bone marrow. Sigh. My poor baby. Luckily this is the last of those for a little while. I just hate all of this he has to go through. It's so hard watching your kids be sick and there is really nothing you can do about it. I wish there was a pill he could take and he'd be better...forever. Sometimes when I think about everything in depth I get really depressed. I try not to, but it can't be helped sometimes. I just want this nightmare to end. I want him to be well. I want our life to go back to normal, but we have a "new normal" now. We will adjust, just as he has. He is my strength.

I hope you all have a nice weekend.

Oh Bla Di, Oh Bla Da

School is so crazy and my schedule is crazy too. 3 days out of the week I am at school, or clinical until about 4 or 5 o'clock. That doesn't include the other day (8-10am). Did I mention that I drive about 40 minutes to school everyday? These long days just do me in. Last night we had to attend the Kentucky Nurses Association yearly meeting (see photos above) where they elect officers etc... It was ok, but like I said...4th semester is busy, busy, busy. Who has time for all of this "extra" stuff? We also have to write a 2-3 page paper about the meeting and what they discussed. I guess if they want a paper about the recorder secretary cutting the cheese (literally) very LOUDLY or the president's sleep apnea issue we'll have a great paper. Other than that, nothing was discussed.

Tomorrow I'm in the well-baby nursery and although I'm looking forward to it, I'm just tired. I know it's coming down to the end, and I'm grateful, but it's still a trek to get there isn't it? Next Monday is our second exam. I hope I do well. The instructor talks so fast that I'm sure there are a lot of holes in my notes. We have flown over the OB material so fast I don't really feel like I've learned it well. I hate that. Especially if I take my career in that direction. Most of it is common sense, and if you're a mother it's just a refresher, but OB is a whole new can of worms. There are a lot of new terms to learn and understand...not like med-surg. I guess my heart just isn't in it this semester, which is understandable.

Aidan is doing great: (see big cheeks and smile below)



He's a roly poly now. :-) Everyday he wakes up his cheeks get bigger and bigger. This was his picture a week ago:


Hasn't he changed already? It's the steroids. They make him very bloated. He's technically only gained 3.5 lbs since his dx. :0( Monday he will be off the steroids and I'm glad. He eats even when he isn't hungry and it hurts his belly. It would be like us going from 1 month pregnant to 9 months in one week. I'm sure his stomach and cheeks hurt because they're so stretched and all of his organs inside are smooshing into eachother. The dr says he will lose that weight and that he will stop eating, I hate that part of it. He's never eaten so well in his life! :0)
He never complains and he's my hero.

No matter what obstacles are thrown in our way or what challenges we face. One thing is certain...life goes on.

The Sun Still Shines

My Baby is in Remission!

I don't know if you all have been over to Aidan's Place, but I have great news....Aidan is in remission now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We found out on Friday that he has <0.01% of the cancer cells left in his body. Our goal now is to keep him in remission and the only way that can be done is to complete the 3.5 years of chemotherapy. Yes, it will be a very long and trying few years, but we will get through each day and each new day is one more day toward him being cured. I am so thankful to God for this great news. Aidan is doing FABULOUS! He isn't sick at all, just a little more tired than usual, but because of the steroids he can't sleep. He's also still eating, and is actually eating right now as I type this. He is kind of bloated and has developed the "moon face" that is associated with dexamethasone. He looks like a little football player. :-) You can see new pics at this site.

On the homefront things are so busy and hectic. With me being in school and my husband jetting of to work as soon as I walk in the door, things are crazy. School is going ok, but there is so much to do I feel overwhelmed to to tenth degree. Everyone said that 4th semester was really busy, they weren't lying. The content is not difficult and the concepts are relatively easy to understand, but we have so much busy work to do. Group projects, papers to write, preparing for the NCLEX, preparing for graduation, fees, fees and more fees, assignments out the wazoo, lots of meetings to attend, skill tests to prepare and test on, and so on. I'm suppose to go to see a birth today for my on-call hours. I'm secretly hoping there isn't a laboring mom so I can stay home and get some assignments finished.

It isn't difficult getting things done because Aidan is sort of on the couch all day, I sit with him and work on things then. My older boys are pretty self sufficient and are great at helping with the chores. The only problem is that every five minutes I'm fixing Aidan something to eat, but if that's all the little guy wants and needs, I don't mind to do it. The little man never complains about anything. He's so sweet....sometimes. The other night I raised his shirt to take a look at his port to see if it was red or anything. (The nurse in me). He hauled off and punched me in the face!!!! (The steroid has kicked in full force.) It didn't hurt, but shocked me. He's still scared it may hurt, I don't blame him. I would have punched me too!

Everyone at school keeps asking me..."How do you do it? How can you be here and do this right now?" Well, it's really difficult for me to be at school and I am very good at not bringing my emotions with me, except for the other day when I recieved the text message that Aidan was in remission. I sort of leaped off of my chair and started the ugly "I'm so damned happy" cry. I try to only focus on school when I am there and I don't want what is going on in my life be a distraction to the class. If I wasn't there I would be here, sitting on the sofa with Aidan and fixing him food. He is doing so well that I don't feel as guilty now as I did at first. I wasn't sure what to expect...24 hour care or what. It isn't like that. He is just as he always was, but less active. Because my husband's schedule is so flexible, he's able to be here with Aidan when I'm not and that makes a world of difference. If Aidan had to go to daycare for me to continue school, I wouldn't be sitting there. Period.

It also helps that I have a good attitude right now. When I first heard the diagnosis I was on the floor...literally. Leukemia is a terrifying word to hear. It's a nightmare and truthfully, we are living our nightmare. But the thing that keeps me afloat is that doctor's words..."Aidan will be cured and live to be an old man." When she said that, my heart lifted. Aidan has ALL, the best cancer (if you can say that) to have as a child. He has a 85-90% chance of a cure. Those are some damn good odds and that is what I hold so close to me, not the "cancer" or the "chemotherapy", or the "hair loss". We are focusing on Aidan's recovery and he is in the very low risk catagory, which is fantastic. True, I have my moments when it all hits me and I think...oh my God, he has cancer. Then I quickly remember those words..."He will be cured" and I can pull myself away from that darkness that I could so easily slip into if I allow myself. If Aidan can do this and still smile, then so can I.

Listen, until you've been through this you have no idea how you will cope. At first I was dumbfounded, shocked, in denial, angry (which I still am) and just heartrendering sad. But this is our reality and we can either sit around and cry about it, or become proactive and educate ourselves as best we can to get through it. That's what we're choosing to do. There is some primal survival instinct inside of us and when we are faced with devastating news it surfaces and we cope the only way we can. I'm in survival mode and I'm going fight and with God's help...KICK THIS CANCER'S ASS! This is not going to get our family down, but only make us stronger. Aidan will come away from this a healthy boy and he will grow up, go to college, meet the girl of his dreams, get married, have a family and will lead a normal and productove life. So help me God.

Babies

One clinical down, 6 more to go. Yesterday was booooring. We had to orient and listen to people talk for what seemed like 24 hours. The hospital we are doing clinical on is really old and doesn't even have computerized charting yet, but we'll make the most of the experience. I did get to see some newborns, precious. Next week my clinical is in the nursery. I can't wait to hold some new little babies and smell their little Johnson & Johnson heads. I can't wait to see an actual delivery, that will be exciting. Well, time to go to school. Hope everyone's semesters are going well. OH! I'm also about to order my invitations for my pinning ceremony...exciting.

Aidan is doing great and handling his chemo well. Make sure to check his site for new updates and photos.
Will try and post again soon.

1st clinical...EEK!

It's about 5:45 in the morning and I'm getting ready for my first clinical day/orientation. Wish me luck, I'm nervous and I don't know why. Please check Aidan's site for new updates and photos.

I'll update later about how my first clinical went...hopefully everything will run smoothly today.

Have a great day everyone and God bless..
Christy

Aidan's Place

For updates and info about Aidan, you can visit his site. Please see the link to Aidan's Place under "my fav sites" section for a permanent link.

Christy

Back to school

Hello everyone. I wanted to write and give some updates on Aidan and nursing school. Aidan is home now and doing great. He hasn't been running any fevers and aside from his belly and back pain, he's doing well. We go for another chemo treatment and bone marrow aspiration on Tuesday. The bone marrow aspirations are done weekly right now to determine how he is responding to his treatments. As of the last BMA he isn't yet in remission, but the goal is to have him in remission by day 29, which is toward the end of September. Being in remission means that there are no Leukemia cells visible under the microscope in Aidan's bone marrow, but research has shown that even though there are none visible doesn't mean they still aren't there, which is why they have protocols for treatment (ie: 3 years of chemo). Over the past 50 years research for ALL has come a long way. The cure rate for kids with ALL between the ages of 2-6 are upwards of 85-90%. We have no doubts in our minds that he will be cured, but the road getting there will be a tough one. Aidan is a tough cookie and his little body is so strong and will fight these cancer cells till they are no more. Why Aidan got Leukemia, we don't know, but what we do know is that there is hope and that is what we hold on to. We don't focus on Aidan's cancer. As a matter of fact, I refuse to use that word. We focus on his cure, and that is what will get us through.

Keith has been taking good care of Aidan while I am at school, and believe me it's hard not being home with him all day. When I come in the door, Aidan's first words are always.. "Mom, I'm so glad you're home!" He's so sweet. The steroid he is on has caused him to want to eat us out of house and home. The only thing on his mind is food and after he's finished with one meal, he's already planning and talking about what he can eat next. LOL Also, he talks....A LOT! He never seems to stop talking (mostly about food), but he's turned into a little chatter box. Last night I said to him "You sure do talk a lot." He said "Yeah." and we had a good laugh. The doctors told us he would be extremely moody on his steroid and he would turn into a little monster, he's had a few tantrums, but it's mostly the talking that has changed. He can't seem to find his "stop talking" button. I don't mind, I enjoy listening to his little stories and hearing him go on and on about what he loves to eat, it's better than most people's conversations, which are usually all about things that don't matter. Dealing with an illness such as this sure does put things into perspective. I realize there are so many thins that aren't important and all this time I've focused on those things. Already Aidan is teaching me a lot.

School has been going ok. It's a very busy semester. It seems we have something to do every day. We have a quiz each week, which are pretty easy to pass as long as you listen in class. We have group projects that are due every couple of weeks, did I mention that I hate group projects? Well, I do, because on top of having a family and being in school full-time, who has the time to meet with people and work on a project? Yesterday was our first exam. I thought for sure I'd fail because I missed the whole first week of class and lecture and the only time I had to study was the night before. I missed 4 out of 50 and got a 92%. I think God was standing over me instructing me to pick certain answers...."C looks good Christy." Ha! It wasn't a difficult test, but I didn't know the material, I guessed a lot. Hopefully I'll have the same insight with the rest of the tests. Next Wednesday is our first skills test. We have to perform 3: Timing contractions (duration, frequency and intensity), palpating the fundus and assessing for expulsion and the last one is checking the lower extremeties for a positive Homan's sign. They aren't bad skills, but it's just nerve wracking. Next Friday we have a written skills test, meaning we answer questions about the critical requirements...sheesh. Next Thursday is our first clinical day. I go to the Nursery on my first day, fun. We only have about 5 clinical days and we have 2 days where we are on-call for labor and delivery. Like I said...busy. We only have one exam in September so that one will be a doozie and we have 3 in October, rounding out with our final exam. I'll be so glad when the class work is complete. After our final we complete out 100-120 hours of precepting and then we're done. Yay.

I must admit I'm not nearly as excited about being a nurse and graduating as I had been before. It makes me sad that I'm not jumping up and down with glee, afterall, this has been my life for 3 years now. I guess my goal now is to finish it so that I can move on. Others in my class are getting all excited, but I just can't feel like that right now. I have much more important things to think about and graduating is just a small piece of my life now, when before it was my life. Funny how someone's life can change in the blink of an eye. I'm sure there is a reason I was suppose to be a nurse and now I'm sure it has to do with my son. I was offered a job on the children's oncology unit at Aidan's hospital. The compensation is almost too good to pass up, but can I go in there again and look at it differently? Everytime I enter that unit will I be reminded of when we were told of Aidan's diagnosis? Will I be able to offer something to families that other nurses cannot? I'm not sure, but I do know that there is a reason for all of this, and I hope to find out what it is one day.

Here are a few photos of Aidan with his awesome nurses at his hospital. They were all so wonderful and I can never thank them enough for the great care and skill they brought us each day.
p.s. please excuse Aidan's orange tinted teeth. His doctor said he'd have cravings and one of his has been cheetos. Lovely. :-)