October 22, 2008

HYPERcondriac? I Think Not!

So I am up. It's 1:30am and here I am. You never know with me. The last few nights I was in bed by 8 and up by 4...no lie. I'm not feeling so great tonight. I have to confess something...I am the worst example of a nurse known to mankind. I have felt horrible for months and have put it off and it's all catching up with me now. It isn't just the night shift thing, although I think that contributes. I have been having heart palipations, I'm tachy when at rest (120-130's!!!), may hair is falling out, my mentrual cycle is whack, my moods are horrible and I have a sensitive feeling in my neck/throat region that seems to build and makes me want to scream. I thought I was going mad until I researched these symptoms and it's just what I initially thought... I think I have hyperthyroidism.

My mom had Graves disease when I was in my early 20's...I am at a very high risk. She had the exopthalmus and everything and wore her shades in the house and refused to look at herself in the mirror without them on....it was sad. She is now better and her eyes are back to normal, but she keeps telling me she felt exactly the same when she got sick and thinking back on it....she was a moody, evil nightmare. Hey...that's me too! She got exopthalmus because she put things off too long...not me, not anymore, I can't take it. It's the worst feeling and it's so hard to explain to people, which is one reason I haven't went to see a dr. I have been having problems with my eyes. For a while I thought I may be hallucinating...I'd see grey spots, lights etc....now I know it's because they are strained. I am self diagnosing here. For all I know I could be going blind lol. Wait...that isn't funny at all. :( How do you explain this to a doc without seeming nuts?

"Um, doc...I have this funny feeling in my neck and I feel like I could run and sleep at the same time. I see flashes of light and my heart palipates when I lay down." I just don't want to hear the whole....you have anxiety bs. Yes I do....NOW that I have this freaking problem! One of the side effects of the disease is anxiety...how could you not have it when your heart races when you're nearly asleep? It's insane and makes me feel just plain awful that I could cry.

Tomorrow I am going to my dr and insisting they check my thyroid levels....if they aren't out the roof I will be so surprised. The sucky part is that there are no quick fixes for it (radiation & HRT). I am uncertain I can live with this feeling all the time. Here is my best explanation...you know that moment before you're about to have a wreck or you had a near miss and your body responds? Your adrenaline kicks in, you have a hot flash and you feel your body react? Well, that happens to me....while I'm doing nothing to precipitate it. I feel like my heart may just explode and have actually almost passed out and saw stars. It's starting to scare me and I have to do something.

As I am typing this, I am doing some deep breathing and the valsalva maneuver to try and slow my HR. It's currently 122........that's fast and I feel it. No, it's not anxiety...believe me, I've had enough of it to know the difference. Stress, worry, unbalanced diet and excercise can trigger the thyroid to act up and get out of synch and working nights has caused it to become worse. I have had all of those things....CHECK! I drink a lot of coffee, sodas etc to stay awake and it only makes my symptoms worse. It's a double edged sword. I am not a hypocondriac...this is real and it sucks.

I put my application in to some places today for day shift positions. This hasn't just become a want...it is now a necessity. I can no longer go on like this. I'm extremely fatigued (another symptom) and working nights does nothing to help the situation. Anyhow....I'm just wanting to spill the beans...I've neglected myself a lot and I can't anymore. I don't have time to be ill....I have far too much to do. Life is hard enough.....I need some peace.

Thanks for listening and I'll post about how my dr appt went.

p.s. Can I jsut say that I can't believe that I have had so many hits to my site even after I abandoned my poor wittle blog? So, to all of you who have visited from the good ole U-S of A, Germany, Dublin, Philippines, Peru, the UK, Mexico, Austrailia and everywhere else.....thanks for taking to time to read my boring tales. :-)