September 9, 2007

My Baby is in Remission!

I don't know if you all have been over to Aidan's Place, but I have great news....Aidan is in remission now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We found out on Friday that he has <0.01% of the cancer cells left in his body. Our goal now is to keep him in remission and the only way that can be done is to complete the 3.5 years of chemotherapy. Yes, it will be a very long and trying few years, but we will get through each day and each new day is one more day toward him being cured. I am so thankful to God for this great news. Aidan is doing FABULOUS! He isn't sick at all, just a little more tired than usual, but because of the steroids he can't sleep. He's also still eating, and is actually eating right now as I type this. He is kind of bloated and has developed the "moon face" that is associated with dexamethasone. He looks like a little football player. :-) You can see new pics at this site.

On the homefront things are so busy and hectic. With me being in school and my husband jetting of to work as soon as I walk in the door, things are crazy. School is going ok, but there is so much to do I feel overwhelmed to to tenth degree. Everyone said that 4th semester was really busy, they weren't lying. The content is not difficult and the concepts are relatively easy to understand, but we have so much busy work to do. Group projects, papers to write, preparing for the NCLEX, preparing for graduation, fees, fees and more fees, assignments out the wazoo, lots of meetings to attend, skill tests to prepare and test on, and so on. I'm suppose to go to see a birth today for my on-call hours. I'm secretly hoping there isn't a laboring mom so I can stay home and get some assignments finished.

It isn't difficult getting things done because Aidan is sort of on the couch all day, I sit with him and work on things then. My older boys are pretty self sufficient and are great at helping with the chores. The only problem is that every five minutes I'm fixing Aidan something to eat, but if that's all the little guy wants and needs, I don't mind to do it. The little man never complains about anything. He's so sweet....sometimes. The other night I raised his shirt to take a look at his port to see if it was red or anything. (The nurse in me). He hauled off and punched me in the face!!!! (The steroid has kicked in full force.) It didn't hurt, but shocked me. He's still scared it may hurt, I don't blame him. I would have punched me too!

Everyone at school keeps asking me..."How do you do it? How can you be here and do this right now?" Well, it's really difficult for me to be at school and I am very good at not bringing my emotions with me, except for the other day when I recieved the text message that Aidan was in remission. I sort of leaped off of my chair and started the ugly "I'm so damned happy" cry. I try to only focus on school when I am there and I don't want what is going on in my life be a distraction to the class. If I wasn't there I would be here, sitting on the sofa with Aidan and fixing him food. He is doing so well that I don't feel as guilty now as I did at first. I wasn't sure what to expect...24 hour care or what. It isn't like that. He is just as he always was, but less active. Because my husband's schedule is so flexible, he's able to be here with Aidan when I'm not and that makes a world of difference. If Aidan had to go to daycare for me to continue school, I wouldn't be sitting there. Period.

It also helps that I have a good attitude right now. When I first heard the diagnosis I was on the floor...literally. Leukemia is a terrifying word to hear. It's a nightmare and truthfully, we are living our nightmare. But the thing that keeps me afloat is that doctor's words..."Aidan will be cured and live to be an old man." When she said that, my heart lifted. Aidan has ALL, the best cancer (if you can say that) to have as a child. He has a 85-90% chance of a cure. Those are some damn good odds and that is what I hold so close to me, not the "cancer" or the "chemotherapy", or the "hair loss". We are focusing on Aidan's recovery and he is in the very low risk catagory, which is fantastic. True, I have my moments when it all hits me and I think...oh my God, he has cancer. Then I quickly remember those words..."He will be cured" and I can pull myself away from that darkness that I could so easily slip into if I allow myself. If Aidan can do this and still smile, then so can I.

Listen, until you've been through this you have no idea how you will cope. At first I was dumbfounded, shocked, in denial, angry (which I still am) and just heartrendering sad. But this is our reality and we can either sit around and cry about it, or become proactive and educate ourselves as best we can to get through it. That's what we're choosing to do. There is some primal survival instinct inside of us and when we are faced with devastating news it surfaces and we cope the only way we can. I'm in survival mode and I'm going fight and with God's help...KICK THIS CANCER'S ASS! This is not going to get our family down, but only make us stronger. Aidan will come away from this a healthy boy and he will grow up, go to college, meet the girl of his dreams, get married, have a family and will lead a normal and productove life. So help me God.