February 9, 2007

Poor Anna Nicole, Poor Instructor, Poor Me

I can't believe that Anna Nicole Smith is gone. What a tragedy. First she gave birth to a beautiful daughter, then her son dies within the same week, then she's in a big who's the daddy scandal, then she's being sued and now she's dead. You ask yourself...how much more can one person endure? I guess we all know the answer to that question now. Although it's shocking, wasn't this kind of expected? Maybe not so soon, but I don't know if any of you have watched the news lately but her whole life was a big ole mess. I don't mean to be disrespectful of the departed, but she always seemed so out of it. I wondered sometimes if it was just an act and I hope a lot of it was. I can't imagine that she lived this way all of the time. Somewhere behind the glossy eyes was a real person with real feelings. She was human afterall. Celebrity or no, life can take it's toll on anyone. I didn't know her of course, but my perception is that the girl was just looking for acceptance, love and above all herself. She came from less than humble beginnings and rose to fame for just being herself. Was she really famous for anything really other than her huge personality? Sometimes the price of fame is incredibly high. There are a lot of things about her story that bothers me, or rather, makes me wonder. First of all, her son died in her hospital room. The one place you'd think you'd have a great chance of being recussitated if an emergency occured. I know that he was found a little while after he died, but why? I always wondered why someone didn't notice him dead sooner. I'm not speculating that there was foul play or anything, but I think it's really sad how he died in her hospital room. If someone had just walked in there earlier.... And there are reports that her "personal nurse" found her dead and called for help with CPR. Hmm....personal nurse....where was she before she passed out several times and vomited in bed? And why the hell didn't she start CPR? AND why would her nurse let her heavily medicate herself and not intervene? Why did she have Howard K. Stern's prescriptions? If this is true it's probably best to believe that he got those prescirptions for her, but if he loved her.....why? I'm sure he knew her better than anyone....didn't he know she was in danger and where was the weirdo/husband/lawyer when she was laying in her bed dying? We may never know the answers to any of this and it really isn't any of our business is it? It's captivating nonetheless and atleast now she can rest in peace with her son Daniel. Maybe this is the only peace she's ever had, we'll never really know. I can't believe her mother is already on the news talking about her dead daughter. Some people have no shame. Shouldn't she be grieving? Sigh! Kinda makes you realize why she was estranged with her to begin with. Poor Anna Nicole...she was so beautiful. Maybe her life really did parallel Marilyn Monroe's. Maybe Anna always knew her life would end at a young age. I really hate this for her baby girl who'll never know her mother and for what she'll go through in the coming months. No, she isn't old enough to know and that's for the best, but where will that poor baby end up? It's all still so unbelievable and I hope that those close to her will make peace with this.

Moving on....I ended up getting a 92% on my last exam. That's an A people......an A!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They threw out a couple of questions and took two answers on 3 others which I got credit for so I only ended up missing 3. It's a miracle. Here is what is so strange about this....did I tell you that half of the people failed the test? Well, I was wrong, we found out today that 3/4 of them failed. What does that tell you about these tests? They're freakin' hard and if she was a good instructor more than half of the students wouldn't be failing. We've never had these many failures before now....before her. She's so defensive about it too, which makes it worse. She needed to take this as a sign, humble her rocket scientist brain self and take it down a notch. I don't see that happening and the sad thing is she'll be teaching the majority of the next 2 exams.....God help us all. I passed by shear luck I did. I still felt like I was guessing and that isn't a good feeling, especially when you studied your arse off. I really shouldn't be complaining, but those who failed...that could have easily been me. I'm no different or smarter than those folks, I just managed to somehow play eenie meenie miney moe better than them. Many who failed, failed it hard and so their final grade was still a failing one. Damn it all huh? Our other instructor, the good one and my clinical instructor, she spoke with a few of us after clinical (which was the worst ever by the way...for one student who made a terrible potassium med error, bad, bad, bad and I'm not going into it b/c it's way too long) and she ended up breaking down and crying to us. The teacher.....crying....because she's stresssed.....what's wrong with this picture? Something fishy is going on at my school between the instructors and I don't know what it is, but it ain't good. Before the breakdown, she also yelled at us and told us all to leave, get the heck out, go home! We all sat there staring at her wondering if she was serious. She was. Another long story... We didn't leave, we changed the subject and pretended like it didn't happen. Can you say awkward? It was....you could cut the tension like a knife. She's human and confided in us because we confided in her. She asked us what she could do to help these students pass and what they were doing wrong as teachers. It isn't her, it's the other 'one' and we told her so, no holds barred, raw, truthful and quite frankly courageous because who'd do that? LOL She's at her breaking point as we all are. It goes to show that some instructors really do care and carry the weight and the guilt for those who aren't succeeding. But what does success mean when you do all you can to prepare for an exam, yet you still cannot pass it? It isn't the students, truly and we told her so. But....there is nothing she can do, she's stuck, trapped.....politics....sucks. It was a very real conversation. I could see the pain in her eyes. One woman, carrying all of us on her shoulders, her license, her career, her conscience. She guides us and works very hard to teach us, but mistakes happen on her time, and she's held responsible, she's the one to answer the questions in the hot seat. As the three of us sat there, wondering why she chose us to pour out her heart to, we connected. We understood eachother. 3 woman with families, work, responsability, home obligations. It wasn't a conversation of one instructor to a student, it was a stress relief of 3 struggling people trying to work through the chaos. I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, because I can't say too much, it wouldn't be right, but I want to say that I learned a lot about the goings on of our school and it's really scary and I'm scared. BUT we all feel better now and all we can do is keep on keepin' on as I always say. Some things can't be changed so you have to make the change and adapt. I've done a lot of that in my life......

Anyway...I hope I pass this semester. I know that right now I'm sitting at about an 89% average ( the last test they ended up throwing some ?'s out and I made an 86% YIPPY!), but that can change in a second. Those people can make awesome grades on the next 2 tests and I can fail them and be in their shoes. You never know. I keep saying....it can't get any worse than it is. Next semester has to be better(FINAL SEMESTER_WOOOOHOOO!...maybe :-/ ). I think the majority of the problem is that we are the guinea pigs for a new schedule. They changed it around this semester and as they're finding out....it isn't working!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARG!

We're now talking about the renal system.....yawn. I am just not into the material this semester, but it is interesting sometimes. Renal calculi....I am all up on that because I have them all the time. Kidney stones....they're a real pain in the......literally. OUCH!

OH, OH, OH, I forgot to mention.....I had an opportunity to start my 1st IV on a pt who was going to go to surgery. He needed an 18 gauge needle...yikes! That's huge by the way. So my classmate said...practice on me. I thought she was out of her mind, but if she didn't care......he he he. We didn't have the same needles. We practiced with butterfiles for skills, they use angiocaths I think, so it took getting use to. I tried on her twice and got blood both times but blew the vein. Woopsy. I decided not to start his IV because I didn't feel I had a good technique down yet and didn't want to torture the poor guy. Oh well, there's always another opportunity. Atleast I got to try my hand at it and thanks Tracy for letting me poke and prod on you and I'm sorry I hurt you. lol

Have a good weekend folks. I'm sure the next time I post I'll have some other crazy shiz to tell ya about.

Keepin' it lively....


p.s. posted a new video/song...check, check, check it out

I also had to re-post some of my vids and find new versions because they weren't available on you tube anymore....hmmm...there must be some new regulations going on. Take away the television, take away the internet, but if you take away the music you're taking away my soul!