July 24, 2007

Because I MUST!

Today was the last day of my Music class, thank you Lord Jesus. I'm so ashamed of myself. Here's why: Easiest class in history. All online. Never even had to leave the comforts of my easy chair and pj's. Got to attend class and have a Miller Light at the same time. Cake. I got a B.

Yes, you read it right. I, for the first time in my college history just didn't give a damn. DID...NOT...CARE. Ya know, I have worked my ass off for this nursing gig. I've missed a hell of a lot of sleep, had a few nervous breakdowns, shown up for lecture when I've felt like I might die, slacked on my appearance, let clean laundry sit in baskets for weeks, missed seeing my kids, ate a lot of takeout, gotten a few wrinkles, cut off all my nails, turned down a lot of invites, been so stressed I thought my head would pop right on off, pulled all nighters just to study, studied, studied, studied, studied and studied some more. I'M SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why should I care if I got a B? I don't know why, but I do. Working hard for a B (as I did in micro last semester while taking NSG 203), not so ashamed, but getting a B all from the privacy of my cushy, non-stressed summer break home, while not taking the time do my very best....HORROR! Ah well, I'm human. An average human, but still human.

My husband says that it doesn't matter, I'm almost there. He's right, why do I care really? It's not as though my GPA is in the toilet, still yet, I guess it's that whole 'striving for perfection' thing I've got going on. No matter, life goes on.

I think I have senioritis. If I could quit school right now I would. It's too much work and I don't like it. lol I've always heard of senioritis, but now I truly get it. It's like a marathon...once you get to the finish line, you're just too tired to care anymore. Just drag me across the damn tape already, this shit is tired. That is how I feel. I kind of get the whole nursing school torture/thing a little better now than I did early on. I mean, I know it's stressful, all of that studying, tests, skills, clinicals, care plans..ugh! But, the thing is...it's the pressure that you put on yourself and that the school puts on you that makes it so difficult. You know that you MUST pass a test or you'll be behind, you MUST pass a skill or you're out of the program, you MUST attend that dreaded early morning clinical to pass. You MUST, you MUST, you MUST. There is no room for any slacking. It's the -no slackers allowed club-, but I don't like that stinkin' club. I sometimes want to give that club the what for....alas, I cannot. Don't you just feel like turning in some crap for a care plan sometimes just to have something to turn in? Do you ever want to put studying off until the last minute because you just want to watch tv and go out with your friends and play with your kids? Do you ever just want to call in sick to clinical because taking care of others when you're also sick is the last thing on your mind? Hell, I've felt like this 100 times, maybe everytime I had to do something that has to do with school, but do I do all of those things even though I don't want to? Yes! You know why? Because I MUST!

So what, I finally had the opportunity to slack and I took it, and guess what...I didn't have to work my ass off for that B and I guess that is something I should feel good about. In a weird sort of way.

Less than a month and the race is on. I know I sound like a big ball of angry, negative, spew. I might be, but this is my venting spot and today I felt like venting. I am sooo scared of what's to come. The last go round, the final lap, the end of the road...or something. I'm proud of how far I've come, probably because of just how difficult it's been and that my slacker loving arse didn't quit. So does that or does it not make me a slacker? Hmm...I may not be one afterall. And all of this time I thought I was....funny.

I graduate in December. School will be over. I will take my final on Halloween. I won't have to study for hours and hours and hours anymore. I will be a college graduate. I am now a senior. I will be leaving my school forever. I will not have to blog anymore about how much nursing school sucks the life out of me. I will be able to be with my children. This will be worth it. I will love my job. I won't have this hanging over my head...anymore. I will get a decent paycheck. I will be a professional. I will feel great. I will be proud...I will be an RN. I must keep telling myself these things to get me to the end. I MUST, I MUST, I MUST.


RN Someday said...

Yaa - you are almost there. I know how you feel and I have three more semesters to go - keep it up

Christy (Soulshine) ~ RN to be said...

3 more, 3 more.....