It's late and I'm up and unable to sleep. You ever have those nights? I have a milion things running through my head and none of it is coming together. I think I'm feeling sad, yes that must be it. I'm sad for a lot of reasons and tired....tired for many reasons too. One reason is that the 12 hour shifts I've been working are kicking my ass. I never realized how long 12 hours was until I was on my feet the entire time. Thank God for Nurse Mates. I hope this is something I can get use to, because it kinda sucks and I kinda knew it would, but realizing it doesn't make it better.
I have been through a lot of things in my life... I sometimes wonder why God would think I can handle all of this. I guess you could say I'm "handling" it. But what does that mean exactly? What I take from it, is that unless I'm insane or dead, I'm handling it...so yea, I guess I am. Do I sometimes feel like my life is falling apart...uh huh, yep. Cause you know what? It sorta is and I can't control it. How 'bout them apples? So you know what I do? I breathe. I breathe and I try to think of something positive to shove all the ugly thoughts away, because what else can I do? This is the roller coaster I ride daily. I go up, then I come down....sometimes I'm upside down and then I do it all over again. Is this unstable? For my situation, I would consider myself pretty stable...I mean...I'm not insane, or dead and I'm functioning, which means I'm "handling" it right? I want things back to the way they were...before the cancer. I sometimes feel like I have cancer too. I'm being eaten up by the realities that is my life, my fears.....then I breathe and remember that I am alive, we are alive and I force myself to believe that he will live a long life, because any other thought just isn't freaking suitable!
I try and remember the days when my biggest problem was getting through a stupid test. Please, thank your lucky stars it is one of your bigger issues. I know they suck so horribly bad, but I wish those were my only problems now. I would take a million more tests over this battle. My biggest enemy is my thoughts. If they would just leave my mind alone, I could find some peace. I don't mean to be a depressing, raging, sad little crybaby, but you know lack of sleep, a few beers and worry will do that to a person. I see my friends go on about their daily lives, and sometimes I do too, and then I think...damn....
Sometimes I can't even say the word...it still seems so unreal, so foreign, so unbelievable... I pray to God to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE take this away, take it all away and give me and my family some peace. Give my child his innocence back. That is all I want...
In my heart, I know he will be ok, I know this. I guess I can't help but analyze it in my brain and worry until I'm sick. I wish my heart could tell my brain to shut the hell up. I just pray I, we can get through this....one more day. One day at a time.
Hold on tight, don't take anything for granted, don't let go of those you truly love (EVER), follow your instincts, follow your heart, don't sweat the small stuff, laugh a lot, pray a lot, live life, love hard, dance as if no one is watching, apologize, forgive, take in the sunshine, smell the flowers, hug tighter, kiss sweeter, call more often, and don't do as I do...only do as I say...stop worrying! Life is so precious and we take advantage of way too much. Get off of your cell phone, turn off the tv, rest your mind, ease your soul and live life in the moment, love like a hippy and let the rest fall away.
May you all find peace and love in your lives,
the more things change
1 year ago