Happy 2009!

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Cheers to a New Year! I'll be glad when 2008 is history....and that will be at precisely midnight (der). I decided to ring in the new year at home. Every year I go out and every year it's the same thing....crowds, no cabs, drunk annoying people & my arse hungover and feeling like crap. LOL So I'm making some food and plan on playing games with my family and having a few coctails. Note, I said few. Aren't I a party animal? Growl!

What has 2008 taught me? It's taught me that I don't take good care of myself...in every way. I don't make resolutions, because I never stick to them, but I do vow...to myself...to treat myself better this year. I just want to overall be a better person in general. I will eat a little healthier, even if it's only one of the meals of the day, maybe I'll even start to have breakfast too! I'll also get rid of some clutter, clean out my closet and emotional baggage, so to speak. I have too many external things in my life that's just a distraction, so it's adios to that! I also want to take better care of myself spiritually as well. I need a good cleansing, or..... exorcist. Anyone know of any I can borrow? I'll let ya know how it goes, that is if I can keep my head on straight enough to blog.

So what are your "resolutions" for the new year? I wish everyone a healthy, prosperous and very happy new year for 2009. Be safe and remember...don't drink and drive for the love of God, k?


Peace & Love to all my blog friends.

Ho, Ho, Meow

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. We had a very nice one and the kids all had a good time too. We went to my husband's family Christmas yesterday and came away with a very huge and very fat cat named Toby. Keith gave it to his sister long ago and she re-gifted the cat back to us. Nothing better than recycled kitty to start the new year.

I'm not really a cat person. I like my dog. He's reliable, he wags his tail, he pants and runs around like a do-do and is predictable. Cats slink around, have very sharp claws and swat at your feet. Needless to say, I am trying but all it does when it's around is stare at me, as if it can see through my soul to my deepest darkest secrets. Unnerving.

Moving along....I've been too busy to blog lately. I got a job offer on Christmas Eve. I'm contemplating it and wondering if it wasn't a little bit of divine intervention. ;) I'll let you know more when I know more about it.

I was supposed to work Christmas night, but I got low census. On holidays they pull names out of a hat to see who gets low census and mine was drawn. I never get picked for anything...Merry Christmas to me! I'm back to work tonight, then I work New Years day. I think work will be good for me right now...I need some healthy distractions.

I'm so glad that the holidays are over and it is almost a new year. I really need my battery recharged and a new, clean slate. This last year was a tad trying for me. Hopefully the next one will bring more good things...it's looking up.

I promise to blog more in the New Year....that is one resolution I think I can stick to.

Ta ta.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

There is only three days left until Christmas....yay! I'm so excited to see my boy's faces when they open their gifts this year. I'm also ready for it to be over because I'm ready to stop stressing about the financial side of it. We had a budget this year for Christmas which we normally don't have. Actually, we've always had a budget, but never stuck to it because....."aww, look at that!". You get it. This year we were forced to stick to a budget and so there are not going to be nearly as many presents, however it will still be a good Christmas. Because afterall, it isn't about presents is it?

This past week I feel as though I've been chewed up and spit out. For one, I had a horrible virus that seemed to never want to go away, then other things happened that made me feel just as horrible, if not worse. Anyhow...I'm currently in a place of deep reflection and sorting through a bunch of things in my mind. I feel like I'm on some kind of introspective journey, but unsure where it's leading me. It happens. LOL

I work Christmas night....boo! Atleast it's only for 8 hours and not 12, so that is the brighter side. I'm also looking forward to the nice Christmas bonus that is awaiting me at work this evening. :)

I hope that everyone has a wonderful Christmas and gets to spend quality time with their families. I hope Santa is good to each and every one of you this year. Merry Christmas to all!

~Christy

Seven Pounds

I happened upon a movie yesterday as I was laying in bed nursing this horrible stomach virus that I am rightfully tired of! Anyhow, it's called Seven Pounds and I don't know if it was the slight fever I had, the fact that I was tired or the fact that is was just that good, but I cannot stop thinking about this movie!!!!!!! I have watched it twice, back to back, then watched certain clips again.

It is so emotional and regardless of what reviews have said...I think it's excellent and one of the best movies I've ever seen! I can't really give the plot away, because that takes away from the mystery and experience of the story as it unfolds....HOWEVER, I will say this...go see it. Go now, don't wait. It is so moving and lovely. It stars Will Smith and Rosario Dawson. Will Smith's performance isn't fantastic on the first go around....but once you know the story and watch it again his actions, personality, acting is explained...it's hard to describe unless you know what is going on. Rosario Dawson...OhMyGosh....... EXCELLENT. Ugh! Couldn't have played her part better or more naturally. I was so moved by her performance.

I cried like a baby! BAWLED....hiccuped, the whole nine. It is just so touching that you will never forget it.

Anyhow...check out the trailer below and GO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!

Mellow Yellow

Like clockwork I am up at 6am this morning, regardless of what time I went to bed. I was reading the blog I posted last night and realized how angry it sounded and I got to thinking about a comment someone made about it. I suppose I do feel a little lonely. Not in the way of being physically alone, but in the way that I sometimes feel as if some people don't truly care. I wish I could blog about everything that is going on in my private life, but some things are better left unsaid. However, I am yellow this morning. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.

~Christy

Bah-Humbug!

Ah, the holiday season, time for carols, eggnog and trampling over people for a five dollar discount. Don't ya just love it? Makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside... I just can't get enough.

As you can see, I'm not sharing in the holiday spirit as others are this year. I feel like Scrooge...BAH HUMBUG MOTHER F*CKERS, I'm just here for toilet paper! I love Christmas, but this year it feels like it snuck up on me entirely too fast. The kids lists just keep getting longer and longer and it makes me realize just how spoiled they truly are and it's no one's fault but my own.

Don't get me wrong, I feel blessed, so blessed in fact that I could run around screaming, dancing and jumping like a crazy lady telling people just how blessed I really am. CAUSE I AM. I am alive, my family is healthy, I have a good job, my husband has a job...what more could you want in life? If that's the case then why am I feeling so crappy? Well I'll tell you, because I KNOW you are on the edge of your seats right now just waiting...right?

I have a lot going on in my life right now, things I won't mention because it doesn't matter what it is, it just matters that it is occuring. Occuring in magnitudes that are kind of unbelievable. Sometimes life has it's way of shitting on you. It's when everything hits you at once and all you can do is watch as it all falls down around you. You just stand there wondering.... why me? I think I am a good person. I think I do things with good intentions in mind. I think I try to live my life in an honest and decent way. Then why does everything have to suck all at once? Hmmm? Well, that is the space that I am living in right now. The sucky space, in the sucky room where everything and everyone just inevitably SUCKS ASS! When it rains, it pours...

Maybe it's karmic crud. I know where it comes from...the crud. I have given this much thought. I have been feeling more emotionally, physically and spiritually absent since I started working nights. I know, I know.....here she goes with that night shift malarchy again! But seriously...I have come to the conclusion that I can't do it all. I am not superwoman with super powers, I am just me. Just lil ole Christy. I cannot make sure everything is perfect, that my children are perfect, that my marriage is perfect, and I am not delusional enough to think that I am perfect, although I strive to be....alas, I am not. Sigh. The universe is throwing entirely too much at me at once and forcing me to reject it. It's like eating bad shell fish......OUT! OUT! OUT!

I cannot be the mom, wife, friend or human being that I want to be as long as I'm lethargic and going through life on an empty tank of gas. All I want to do is sleep. I think about it, I lust over it, I imagine my bed calling for me with ardent passion... "Christy, come to me, lay with me, I'll make all of your dreams come true!" UGH! It's ridiculous, that's what!

So, what I am saying in this here blog is that I am an empty shell of a person lately. I feel blank and bored, uninspired and dare I say, depressed. HELP! I'm just spinning my wheels. I keep running and running waiting for the reward, the light at the end of the tunnel. Where the hell is it already? I've put my time in, I've crossed the t's and dotted the i's. I even helped that old lady across the street and all I get is some crappy news from day to day. Pfft. How much more can one person take? As the old saying goes...God wouldn't give you what you could not handle. Well then, I must be a bad ass then. Maybe that will be my new screen name....Christy, Ohe Bad Ass Chick.

HOWEVER, I do know that this too shall pass. Afterall, there is no where to go but up from here. I am trying very hard to think of the positives, and there are a lot of them, but sometimes, just sometimes you cannot help but look around you and ask yourself......WTF?

Ok...onto the positives now.....God has blessed us extremely. I know that this slump will go away and I will someday soon be standing on the hilltop looking down at the bad times laughing....har har har...that really sucked! When that day comes I will be sure to tell you all about it. Despite the negative, I am happy that I am have a good family and friends to carry me when I am sometimes not strong enough to carry myself. This Christmas will be a good one, regardless of the external shit storm. I will make certain it is good because I'm not a quitter and because I will keep on keepin' on as that is what I do best.

Many blessings to you all,

Christy, One Bad Ass Chick

Decisions, Decisions

So I have come to a conclusion. I will be staying at my job on the general surgery floor.
Here is why:
I know the doctors,
I have made many good friends,
I know the unit and enjoy doing the skills I get to do,
AND, I when I decide to change jobs I'd like for it to be a day position and I plan on searching for one post-holiday stress.

I have yet to be called for an interview because I think she's waiting for a lot of the applications to come in. However, I will decline to save myself the temptation...because regardless of all that I just said, IT'S TEMPTING!

I just feel good knowing I have made a decision, whether or not I'd even have been offered the job. I have a lot of stress in my life right now and a job change isn't something I want to be worrying about. Anyhow...that is that.

Our company Christmas party was this past weekend...a bunch of girls went together...it was fun. Here are some photos I took....yes, we got a little drunk and we had a lot of fun and guess what? We deserved it! WEEEEEEEEEEE!

A Traitor Walks Among Us

I have a confession to make. I applied for another job yesterday, which is in my hospital, and I'm questioning myself for doing so. <----Biting nails and darting eyes from side to side.

I have had one major complaint for about 9 months and that is my job. Not being a nurse, but being a nurse on my floor which is always, in the least, a chaotic place to be. I liken it to being in the middle of a storm while the siren is blaring in your ears for 12 hours straight and you are having to concentrate in the middle of it. It's so energy sapping and draining. I think a lot of it is the night shift. I'm just so tired, but more than that, it is the constant crap that they throw at us and don't care how we will ever get it done, but that we must.

So a position opened on another unit, It's a women's surgical unit and let me tell you...it is a different world there. Really. It has 14 beds, it is quiet...really quiet there...the patients are mostly younger women...hysterectomys and the like. It is so pretty there too. Nice cabinets, glass partitians, trendy waiting room furniture....they even have christmas decorations up. A beautiful Christmas tree, a lighted snowman, stockings with the nurses names hanging from the nurses station. They have a lot of time on their hands there, in other words. The dinamaps (sp), or BP machines rather, are all new....they have pulse ox's which are hard to come by on my floor and that REALLY pisses me off! It's just so new and posh and quiet and as NON chaotic as could be. It's like night and day from my floor. The matrixing is very nice....3 nurses to 14 patients with two assistants....is that a joke? That means that they may have 4 patients a piece. It's unheard of! On my floor we can only have two assistants if we have 22 patients! It makes absolutly no sense and that is WHAT ANGERS ME SO! They throw you to the wolves and smile while you're being eaten alive. It's such bullshit!

I have two very good friends who work there and they called to tell me of the opening. A little inside scoop. I was aprehensive and here is why....even if it doesn't make sense. Ok, so I started on med-surg, even if it does suck so hideously bad, I know the place, I have made awesome friends, I feel proud to say I'm a med-surg nurse because I have gotten to do and see everything and yes, that's an awesome feeling as a nurse. There is something about knowing how to do all of those skills and to feel competent. It's like a right of passage so to speak. On the women's unit where I applied, they don't do as many skills, they don't have telemetry patients and such. Like I said....it's quiet there. A part of me wonders if I'll feel less of a nurse. I know that sounds so silly, but it's true. I work hard and I like it, what I don't like is working so hard and still never getting some things done because there is just too much work to be done for one person alone.

Anyway....I'm afraid my boss will be pissed. She needs people right now. Plus the position is full-time nights. I work part-time nights right now and am not even sure if I want to go back to full-time. Plus....I was hoping to stay on my floor and wait until I found a day position somewhere so...arg. I'm just confused and can't help but feel like a traitor kinda. After last week on my floor I can't help but think that place is crazy and I need to get out and fast, but don't want to leave at the same time. I have a lot of decisions to make. Does anyone have any advice?????? I feel lost.

Lesson #1 Trust Your Instincts

I had to send a 59 year old patient to ICU at 5am this morning. I thought he was going to die. I'm so stressed that I'm having chest pains. Too much responsability and too much pressure.

He had a thoracotmy because of some metastisis of a cancer that they'd found. He was doing ok at the beginning, a little sob with exertion, but I knew he was missing part of a lung so it was expected. He was on 4 liters of 02 and his sats were
93-94%. I kept a close eye on him because he was a bit of a nervous nelly. "I have a pain here (pointing to pinky toe) what does that mean?" And such...

He goes to restroom and calls the desk...can't breathe. Go to his room, get him into bed...sats are now 84% and he's very labored....gasping...becoming mottled and cyanotic. Call lights are going off from other patients... "Christy, Christy!". My patient can barely talk, I sit him up, get vitals, call an MRT (medical response team). They suggest anxiety caused by some difficulty breathing..... ya think? Pulse 138, respers 32. Something is just not right. Call doc....says do this do that, monitor him. So I monitor and watch my pt gasps for air like a fish out of water. Put him on a partial re-breather, set 02 to 100%. Sats go back up in the 90's. I take a deep breath myself. I had a hunch he has COPD. It wasn't diagnosed, but just my own theory, which means if you give them too much 02 they lose the drive to breathe. I knew this, but without the 02, he wouldn't be breathing..AT ALL!

There was a nagging in my tummy. It kept tugging at me and whispering...Hey! Hey You! Nurse! LADY!
Something was not right...I felt it...Patient turns to me, grabs my arm, looks me straight in the eye gulping...."Christy." Call doc again...this time I get annoyed...."Listen up doc." He tells me to send pt to the unit. I pack up the chart and off we go. He's turning more dusky now, can't get air....we're running and bumping into a lot of things on the way there. Hey, it's me remember?

Bust threw ICU doors, just like in the movies. He looks me in the eye and apologizes....poor guy, tihnks this is somehow bothering me. As if! Well, I take that back, it did bother me a hell of a lot because I was afraid he would die! ICU nurses get to work quickly. He's intubated and is now on a ventilator. Diagnosis....Flash Pulmonary Edema.

Back on my floor....call lights. "Christy! Where's Christy? Where's my nurse? I need a shot!" Well I need a shot too...of LIQUER! Running to rooms, here is your shot, here is your blanket, here is your dilaudid, here's a bucket for you to puke in, here's the bedpan to poop in. Trying to chart and cover my ass....call lights. I want to hide under my desk and cry. I didn't, but I sure wanted to!

Time to give report...
Me: "I have no idea what I did last night. I think I gave him something for pain, not certain." Bwaaaa! Ha! Ha! Ha! <-- that was me cracking the F up.

My floor sucks. Too many high acuity patients, not enough staff, not enough rescources and if you forget to chart something it's your ass. They don't care about us. It's all about the budget.

I can't wait for my cake nursing job to find me. I can picture it now.....soft elevator music is playing in the background...I'm filing my nails and having a bon-bon in the comfort of my little office filled with photos of my children and nice cards from my patients. I see them into the exam room. Have time to do a thorough assessment because they had an appointment, I know they're coming and I'm prepared. I give them a lollypop for being good. We talk about how nice the weather is and I ask them to wait patiently for the doctor to come see them. There is a receptionist who is answering the phone calls AND stuffing the charts. Sigh. How lovely. WAIT...is that the sound of a balloon deflating? Oh yea....reality. Bah! pbbbbllllt!

I will call and check on my patient later. Still concerned. Hope I did enough.....

And as I'm typing this my fav song comes on....Touch of Grey. Yes Jerry...I will get by, I will survive.

A Work In Progress

I've been writing on my "book" a lot this week. Sometimes I won't pick it up for a month, then I start writing and can't stop. It needs a lot of editing, but so far I'm really liking it. I'm into my 6th chapter and love the direction it's going. Originally I had a plot fleshed out, but as I was writing things changed and ideas come up that seem to fit more with the flow of the story. It's so fun to mold characters, give them a personality obstacles etc and to create a story for them. Some things I don't like, but will change them when I do a large edit. Anyway, I'm sure this is entirely too boring for you all, but I just wanted to share my excitement. I may even post a chapter here at some point...who knows.

Hope everyone is having a nice week so far :)