December 12, 2008

Bah-Humbug!


Ah, the holiday season, time for carols, eggnog and trampling over people for a five dollar discount. Don't ya just love it? Makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside... I just can't get enough.

As you can see, I'm not sharing in the holiday spirit as others are this year. I feel like Scrooge...BAH HUMBUG MOTHER F*CKERS, I'm just here for toilet paper! I love Christmas, but this year it feels like it snuck up on me entirely too fast. The kids lists just keep getting longer and longer and it makes me realize just how spoiled they truly are and it's no one's fault but my own.

Don't get me wrong, I feel blessed, so blessed in fact that I could run around screaming, dancing and jumping like a crazy lady telling people just how blessed I really am. CAUSE I AM. I am alive, my family is healthy, I have a good job, my husband has a job...what more could you want in life? If that's the case then why am I feeling so crappy? Well I'll tell you, because I KNOW you are on the edge of your seats right now just waiting...right?

I have a lot going on in my life right now, things I won't mention because it doesn't matter what it is, it just matters that it is occuring. Occuring in magnitudes that are kind of unbelievable. Sometimes life has it's way of shitting on you. It's when everything hits you at once and all you can do is watch as it all falls down around you. You just stand there wondering.... why me? I think I am a good person. I think I do things with good intentions in mind. I think I try to live my life in an honest and decent way. Then why does everything have to suck all at once? Hmmm? Well, that is the space that I am living in right now. The sucky space, in the sucky room where everything and everyone just inevitably SUCKS ASS! When it rains, it pours...

Maybe it's karmic crud. I know where it comes from...the crud. I have given this much thought. I have been feeling more emotionally, physically and spiritually absent since I started working nights. I know, I know.....here she goes with that night shift malarchy again! But seriously...I have come to the conclusion that I can't do it all. I am not superwoman with super powers, I am just me. Just lil ole Christy. I cannot make sure everything is perfect, that my children are perfect, that my marriage is perfect, and I am not delusional enough to think that I am perfect, although I strive to be....alas, I am not. Sigh. The universe is throwing entirely too much at me at once and forcing me to reject it. It's like eating bad shell fish......OUT! OUT! OUT!

I cannot be the mom, wife, friend or human being that I want to be as long as I'm lethargic and going through life on an empty tank of gas. All I want to do is sleep. I think about it, I lust over it, I imagine my bed calling for me with ardent passion... "Christy, come to me, lay with me, I'll make all of your dreams come true!" UGH! It's ridiculous, that's what!

So, what I am saying in this here blog is that I am an empty shell of a person lately. I feel blank and bored, uninspired and dare I say, depressed. HELP! I'm just spinning my wheels. I keep running and running waiting for the reward, the light at the end of the tunnel. Where the hell is it already? I've put my time in, I've crossed the t's and dotted the i's. I even helped that old lady across the street and all I get is some crappy news from day to day. Pfft. How much more can one person take? As the old saying goes...God wouldn't give you what you could not handle. Well then, I must be a bad ass then. Maybe that will be my new screen name....Christy, Ohe Bad Ass Chick.

HOWEVER, I do know that this too shall pass. Afterall, there is no where to go but up from here. I am trying very hard to think of the positives, and there are a lot of them, but sometimes, just sometimes you cannot help but look around you and ask yourself......WTF?

Ok...onto the positives now.....God has blessed us extremely. I know that this slump will go away and I will someday soon be standing on the hilltop looking down at the bad times laughing....har har har...that really sucked! When that day comes I will be sure to tell you all about it. Despite the negative, I am happy that I am have a good family and friends to carry me when I am sometimes not strong enough to carry myself. This Christmas will be a good one, regardless of the external shit storm. I will make certain it is good because I'm not a quitter and because I will keep on keepin' on as that is what I do best.

Many blessings to you all,

Christy, One Bad Ass Chick

2 comments:

Drofen said...

I'm sorry things are bad for you right now.

One thing I did notice though--your reference to Scrooge and your picture of the Grinch. Intentional or not, both characters are the very essence of loneliness.

I find that life gives me the most trouble when I start thinking I'm all alone, and that nobody cares what happens--life would go on with, or without me.

I'm not trying to be the proverbial ray of sunshine here, but just in the short time I've been reading your blog, know that I care what happens to you. And I think your family and your patients especially would have an exceptionally hard time getting on without you!

:)

KLS said...

Yeah, what he said! I do have to say that I can sense a difference from your prior blog postings, of long ago, to the more recent ones. You do seem more discontent than you had been. I know at one point when I was reading from your nursing school days you had me laughing my ass off!