My Last Night Shift

I took a break last night at work and found myself literally leaning against a garbage can for support. If you know me, then you know I MUST have not been feeling well to attempt something as dangerous as all that! My touching a trash can is equivelant to an arachnaphobic befriending a tarantula. I am a germaphobe. I literally take those high powered, burn your skin strength, hospital manufactured sani-wipes to dissinfect my patients door handles at work (and my shoes). So, to lean against a smelly, funky, bacteria ridden garbage can just to keep myself upright, yea...I must have had a massive hangover. Shoot me, or scrub me until my skin peels off. (Making a mental note to have my coat dry cleaned ASAP).

I was tempted to start an IV on myself and hang a bag of D5W and bolus myself with a good 2000 liters, but I talked myself out of it. Damn it all. Instead I just guzzled about a gallon of water until the fuzziness eventually wore off. I felt as though I was pumping THIS through my veins!

Last night was a little bittersweet, as I'm sure tonight will be as well. I got a lot of "Ohhh, don't leave us", "No one will be as nice to you as we are", "You are going to be missed", and the occasional sad face as someone asked for my help in the ass wiping department. "But it's your last night. Don't you want to share one last bonding moment together?" So lots of butt wiping I did. Purely out of guilt and for nostalgia's sake.

Why do we feel so guilty when we leave a job, even if it makes us miserable? I am trying to better myself and my financial situation, but all I really felt last night was some guilt, mixed with a dash of sadness. I was swimming in doubt soup. It was up to my ears, drowning out my practical thoughts until I wondered...did I make a mistake?

What if I don't make many new friends at my new job? What if days shift craziness is just too much for my mellow yellow demeanor? What if I absolutley hate ortho and despise neuro? Ahhhh! Second thoughts are a bitch. The good thing is that I'm staying on at my hospital PRN, meaning I can go back anytime I want without having to jump through new nurse orientation hoops. Yes, I'd go back to night shift inevitably, if that was my choice, and thinking about that....shudder. No, I believe I'm doing the right thing.

My last night...yea, I'm a little sad, but I'm also excited to be starting a new adventure in my life. This is why I love nursing so. There are hundreds of different opportunities just awaiting you. I figure....why not? Take a risk and if it doesn't work out, well, let's not think about that now alrighty?

Everyone I shared my news with has been excited for me, so that does boost my confidence a little. Many of the nurses at my work told me that I would have been crazy not to jump on the opportunity, and jumping I am. Leaping...throwing myself off a cliff into an unknown abyss. Let's just hope I don't fall flat on my face.

So, to round out this post...I sure am going to miss my girls. :( They have been such a pleasure to work with and to get to know. I think I have made some lifelong friendships, so I'm a little down right now, but tomorrow is a new day...

As I leave work tomorrow morning, I will try very hard not to skip to my car while clicking my heels together with glee. No more night shifts for me!!!!!! Yee Haw! Let's PARTAY! Um, without the alchohol this time. :)