January 21, 2009

Cancer Unedited

My sister in law, who is 33 years old, was diagnosed with hodgkin's lymphoma around the time Aidan was diagnosed with leukemia. She beat the cancer and we have since learned that she has relapsed and is in stage 3. She has a husband and two small children...

Agressive chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant are going to be started soon and we have been told it will not be easy for her. Words cannot express how very bad I feel for her and her family. I don't even know what to say. It just doesn't make sense. :-(

Being so closely connected to cancer and illness every day tends to shake my faith a little, I can't lie. I praise God for the miracle he has performed in our life...leading Aidan's body into remission, but what of the others?

Sometimes I want to get out of nursing all together because the realities of death and dying is just to much for me. I deal with this a little too intimately in my personal life and and then I leave home and go to the hospital where there is more illness...it doesn't feel really good for my emotional well being and my psyche. I can't help but become a little depressed at all this illness and bullshit cancer that's everywhere I turn. The patient I cared for the other day died two hours after I left (see previous post). I saw her obituary while I was having my morning coffee. It made me want to puke. It didn't even look like her, as I knew her, lying in the bed, bald, frail, gaunt and lifeless. Cancer sucked the life right out of her.

As I'm typing this I'm getting less sad and becoming more angry! UGH! I just want to f'ing scream....WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not only that but I am so paranoid now. Being a nurse I know what cancer does to people. It's a sneaky, silent killer. I know how randomly it chooses this person and that one. I have seen first hand little children with bald heads, face masks, dark circles, but bright innocent smiles. It's enough to take your heart out and rip it through your chest with excrutiating pain and agony. I will never forget some of the things my child has been through and things I have seen and felt. It is a very dark place, a place no one ever wants to be in. You feel so powerless and feeling that you can do nothing, well...it just SUCKS! I just don't get it and frankly I'm more than tired of CANCER. I want to give a double bird salute in cancer's ugly face and yell a big ole FUCK YOU!

I apologize for all the expletives but I am pissed off! Millions and trillions of dollars in research and this beast still can't be tamed in many cases??? Thank God and all that is holy that as much has been done thus far, but we are still so far from a cure. Sigh. I wish my recent posts were more uplifting, but it's really hard for me to fake my happiness right now. In a few minutes I will be ok, but I just wanted to get this out.

My son will be turning 6 this Saturday. I thank God for letting us have another year in remission and another year closer to this being over and I pray that it goes away and NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER comes back to haunt his life or our lives again. I also pray that My SIL beats this monster again and is able to watch her children grow. Sigh. Please say some prayers.

Remission Rocks!


Drofen said...

I wish I had some sage words of wisdom to make everything ok. But I don't. I'm sorry that I don't. :(

Christy ~ RN to be said...

It's ok....I don't either.

KLS said...

Thoughts and prayers coming your way.