January 6, 2009

You...


Today is a bad day. I really want to vent. I want to curse and let it all out, but I won't. I'm going to keep this as straight forward as possible and leave all of the profanity on the tip of my tongue where it belongs.

I feel so betrayed and disgusted. Not to mention sad and pissed off! I know I am not perfect, but if my wanting to have some sort of normalcy in my life and a friendship makes me a bad person, well, ring up the shitty people police and take me away. I'll go gladly. Atleast I'll go knowing I had good intentions. Sigh.

I hate drama. Especially when I'm in the middle of it. I have always used my blog as a diary of sorts, to express myself. Of course it's public and anyone can read it, however it still felt as if it was mine and somehow everything I say goes into an unknown void. I no longer feel that way as my every thought is gone through with a fine tooth comb. Nothing is my own. I feel stripped of my rights as a human being and I feel incredibly violated, betrayed and used. It's not a comfortable feeling. Perhaps one day you will feel this way and you will understand. Though, I doubt it.

I know you are reading this now....probably smirking...probably feeling like king of the world for having your incredible "super powers" over me...feeling justified in your position to invade my personal space. Good for you....I am an open book at your disposal for you to peruse at your leisure. You win. Does this make you happy? Did your actions make life easier for you? There are a lot of things that I want to say to you, but none seem quite poignant enough. Words are meaningless compared to what I'm feeling. I'm so hurt by you that I can't even explain it.

For one mind numbing moment I felt that this was ok. It is not ok. I am not ok.

4 comments:

KLS said...

Oh boy! I hope whomever did this to you understands Karma...

Hugs

Aimee said...

Christy, I also want to send you a hug. The feeling I get from reading your blog is that you are an amazing person! I always look forward to your posts. I hope whatever you are going through gets resolved soon.

xoxo
aimee

Drofen said...

*hugs*

RNCT said...

Poor girl, seems like you need to be loved.