January 4, 2009

Self Reflection

I am coming into a form of clarity right now. I don't know why. It's about nothing in particular, just me thinking a little too much, which I tend to do from time to time. It just happens to be that time again. Time for a little self reflection. I am not at peace in my life and am needing it now more than ever. I believe that everything in life happens in cycles and will also repeat themselves if the lesson isn't learned the first time. Needless to say, I have been around the block several times. Slow learner? Perhaps. Pure stupidity? More than likely. Someone is trying to tell me something and finally, I am listening. Hello!

I have made some bad decisions in my life, ok... A LOT. I own them, they are my decisions, even if they were made for all the wrong reasons or what I thought was the right reasons at the time. I wouldn't be who I am without my mistakes and yada, yada. I am over that and am now at a place where I want to make the right decisions....for me. It seems as though I'm always doing things because that is what someone else thinks I should do or because it's socially correct or the "norm", whatever the hell that is. However, I don't think I've ever really done things because it is what I wanted. I am over caring about what other people think of me. No one can judge me because they have no idea what I have been through emotionally and spiritually in my life. Not that anyone is, that I know of, just speaking hypothetically here. I only get one chance at this life, and incase you don't already know....so do you!

I wish I could talk to my younger self and clue her in on life now that I'm a little older and wiser....I think. If I had the opportunity, I'd shake the shit out of her and smack her around a bit, then I would tell her to be patient and to trust her instincts more. Why do we ignore our instincts? Have they ever led us wrong before? Never. Then why do we ignore the nagging voice that tugs at our bellies screaming at us to LISTEN? Self doubt? Not enough confidence in ourselves? Idiocy? Who knows, who cares! The point is we do this so often and so often think back and go "Ahhhhhhh! Now I get it!". Well, DUH dumbass! <---------------soley speaking to myself here.

Our time clocks are backwards. It's in our 20's where most of our life decisions are made. Who do we want to become? What career do we want? Who do we want to marry? How many children do we want? Where do we want to plant our roots for all ETERNITY? Etcetera. And it's also in our 20's that we don't know shit. (No offense twenty somethings) Who's idea was this anyway? Pffft! It's in our thirties where we really begin to see the light, maybe a little earlier for some and a little later for others . A-hem! That being said...I think a lot of people have these realizations and they look back on things they did, decisions they made and they ask themselves....WTF?!

That is where I am right now. I'm asking myself....what the hell were you thinking you silly girl! Get it together! <-----mentally shaking myself. Ahh, well. It's all a learning process. That is what we're all here for, right? My brain is entirely too small to try and sort out the universe and all it's mysterious workings at noon on a Sunday. However, I am trying to figure other stuff out and I have come to the conclusion that...damn, I'm complex! Not that it's a bad thing, but sometimes I can't help but feel a little envious of all the ignorant people out there. And we all know they're out there....living in sweet oblivion. You know what they say about ignorance...

I was recently complaining to a friend about some things, which is VERY rare , and she asked me why I was complaining because she said that I have lived a "very colorful life, a life where I have truly lived". This took me back a bit. I guess I have.... If colorful is what you want to call it, then....let's break out the crayons! If I wrote down all the highlights and lowlights of my life I could write a very interesting book, but couldn't we all? Everyone has a story to tell. My point is, that sometimes it takes an outside perspective to put things into perspective. It also takes you to step out of yourself for a moment to sometimes see things more clearly. We get tangled up sometimes in the external chaos and we lose sight of our inner selves and our purpose. Wow....this is getting too deep. My point is, I'm trying to find my way back....it's a cycle.

What brought all this on, you ask? I had a crazy ass dream last night. I'll leave the details out, but it made me realize things and I hate that! I don't want to think. I just want to be. I don't want to question my purpose for goodness sake! I just want to go shopping and buy up some good sales, play Hi-Ho Cheerio with Aidan, gossip with my girlfriends and talk about nothing significant and laugh and pretend everything is ok! Shit! Alas, one can only pretend for so long.... Can I get a witness???

Onto much lighter things....it's a new year and I'm so glad the holidays are over. I just wasn't feelin' it. At all. The decorations are down and put away and I'm ready for a better new year. Last year wasn't the best and it dealt us some crappy hands, but this year will make up for that. Aidan is still in remission and doing fantastic. Christian and Colton are still attatched at the hip, and Skyler, is...well, a teenager. Enough said. That is another blog entirely. And for the record, can I say how odd it is to raise a teen? I feel like I'm just coming away from all that awkard ickiness and now I'm going through it again, but through the eyes of a 14 year old boy. Lord help me! This time next year we'll be getting ready for him to drive. I'll make sure to warn you so that you can get all the teenage girls inside and all of your loved ones off the streets.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful, happy, prosperous and, more importantly, healthy new year!




Drofen said...


Drofen said...

PS, I meant to ask you about your dream, sounds scintillating! :)