A Picture Story

Wednesday was Aidan's chemo & lumbar puncture (spinal tap) day. I decided to document it. Normally, I do not post certain photos/videos of Aidan and what he goes through, but today I decided to to show the realities of this life and his struggles and more importantly triupmhs. It is a testament that where there is pain, there is also joy and who better to prove that than a child? Although there are other problems in the world, and even within my own family, when it comes down to it....this is what matters most. He is my little hero and is more brave than I could ever be. No matter what occurs in my life and in my daily existence, sometimes you have to let go of your differences, even if for a day, and focus on something that is bigger than yourself. Although this does not do justice to all that his little body and soul has been through. It is a brief glimpse into a typical day of a child with leukemia. Up at 4am on the road to the children's hospital that is 2 hours away. Exhaustiion ensues....

This is Aidan's Story.
Daily Regimen:


Hematology/Oncology Clinic January 7th 2009:



All along the walls of the clinic are these handprints. There are entirely too many.


1st step....vitals:


He knows this drill all too well and doesn't even have to be told what to do anymore:


Open up and say Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!


Aidan gained around 3lbs in a month!



Hat hair:)


Time for the finger stick to test his CBC: (p.s. he hates this and usually has to be held down so he doesn't accidentally punch the poor nurse)


At first it's funny...he gets the giggles when anxious....


Then.....it's not so funny.


Then.....it's funny again.



Then not...


Then it is again! (very confusing ~wink~)


Oooooh TOYS!




Time for the teste exam. Leukemia cells like to hide in male testicles. Aidan's testes passed the "test" :)


A smile is managed....




But is quickly evaded with shyness.



Awaiting the nurse in the "playroom" to get his chemo-vincristine:


So small:


The chemotherapy medication has to be prepared behind these glass partitians. They are incredibly toxic and even at home we are not allowed to handle them without special gloves:


I am very stressed and tired....as you can see:


Aidan getting his port accessed so that he may get his chemo...always a struggle. Sigh.


No, he is not being smothered. Aidan hates the taste and smell of his medicine, so it is a ritual to cover his nose, upon his INSISTENCE! :)


Finally his port-a-cath is accessed and his chemo is given.


Aidan is given his reward, his bravery beads. Each visit he recieves new beads for his necklace and each bead stands for something different. Each chemo, each LP, each time they poke him etc....he gets a new bead.



And FINALLY...after much resistance....smiles ensuse. :)


The bravest person I know and his smile melts my heart. :)


Finished at the clinic and now on our way to the children's hospital for Aidan's lumbar puncture:






Aren't I a happy camper? This is my,...I'm very tired and very annoyed with certain people, face.





We discovered that taking photos within the "security lens" was quite fun! Oh, the irony. :/





















Finally, after a little trek across pedways, we are at the hospital.










We've walked these halls a million times.


The tiny chapel where I spent some private time in the past.














Letters to God:




7 East...Where all of the outpatient procedures take place on the Oncology Floor.


Time to get started.




Vitals again, or as they say at the kid's hospital.. "viddles".


Old BP machine:












Time for the "sleepy" medicine that causes Aidan to laugh uncontrollably. Oh and we have to hold the nose again.


Anesthesia...


Don't let his open eyes fool you...he's out like a light.




The best doctor EVER (left) prepares for the LP. Spinal fluid is removed for testing and chemo is inserted to prevent the bad cells from forming in the fluid.


Aidan talks out of his head when he comes out of anesthesia. Yesterday, I told him I was going to take his picture and he said "Oh Yea! Take my picture baby!" But in a very slurred tone. It got a lot of laughs. lol










FINALLY, after a very long day, we get to do what Aidan has waited to do for over 12 hours.....EAT!



Aidan is still in remission and is in excellent health. He plays, goes to school, acts like a brat sometimes and is also very sweet just like any other kid. In two weeks he will be 6 years old and is extremely excited about his birthday. He has all the plans settled in his head :) He will be finished with chemotherapy in October 2010. We cannot wait and feel incredibly blessed that he is healthy. Never take life for granted. It's entirely too short.

Peace & Love,
~Christy

You...

Today is a bad day. I really want to vent. I want to curse and let it all out, but I won't. I'm going to keep this as straight forward as possible and leave all of the profanity on the tip of my tongue where it belongs.

I feel so betrayed and disgusted. Not to mention sad and pissed off! I know I am not perfect, but if my wanting to have some sort of normalcy in my life and a friendship makes me a bad person, well, ring up the shitty people police and take me away. I'll go gladly. Atleast I'll go knowing I had good intentions. Sigh.

I hate drama. Especially when I'm in the middle of it. I have always used my blog as a diary of sorts, to express myself. Of course it's public and anyone can read it, however it still felt as if it was mine and somehow everything I say goes into an unknown void. I no longer feel that way as my every thought is gone through with a fine tooth comb. Nothing is my own. I feel stripped of my rights as a human being and I feel incredibly violated, betrayed and used. It's not a comfortable feeling. Perhaps one day you will feel this way and you will understand. Though, I doubt it.

I know you are reading this now....probably smirking...probably feeling like king of the world for having your incredible "super powers" over me...feeling justified in your position to invade my personal space. Good for you....I am an open book at your disposal for you to peruse at your leisure. You win. Does this make you happy? Did your actions make life easier for you? There are a lot of things that I want to say to you, but none seem quite poignant enough. Words are meaningless compared to what I'm feeling. I'm so hurt by you that I can't even explain it.

For one mind numbing moment I felt that this was ok. It is not ok. I am not ok.

I'm On a Roll Today

Stolen Survey from Drofen....thanks :)

1. What's your full name?
I'm sure if you've been inquisitive enough you'd already know. :0

2. Who are you named after?
No one....I'm completely original. Established in 1975.

3. What characteristics should your husband have?
I already have one, but if I could manufacture one and make the perfect man (HA-HA-HA!)I'd say he would have patience, because I sometimes require a lot, a great sense of humor, because that is the biggest turn on, a sharp wit, the ability to communicate without YELLING, the ability to take criticism at times, and the capabilities to cherish me because I am worth it.....I think. ;)


4. Do you believe in love of the first sight?
Hmmm......yes!

5. Could you imagine a life without children?
Never. They have changed me and made me a better person.

6. Who's the baby in the family when it comes to getting sick?
My husband for sure....

7. What did you want to grow up to be when you were a child?
An actress....the world was my stage! Or rather, the hillside on which we lived. As you can see, that didn't turn out too well!

8. What would be the worst thing that could happen to you?
I don't think I need to answer this question. Bottom line, I hope I die before any of my children and I hope that I am very old, safe and warm in my bed when I go.

9. What is your profession?
I am a registered nurse and proud of it. :)

10. Are you an organized person?
I am organized in my head. I am a Virgo (=organized, anal person) and I love to feel and be organized, but often times it's just a distant dream of mine. Yes, I dream about it. Drool!

11. If you could go anywhere for vacation where would it be?
Italy on a siesta, eating good food, photographing the beauty and with someone I love.

12. If you could live anywhere, where would you live?
Probably Italy...it's my dream destination. I love places that have culture and old history. It's fascinating.

13. What is your new years resolution for 2009?
None....just to grow and learn and have more experiences.

14. When are you most likely to lie?
I have to go with Drofen on this one....probably to protect someone I care about..., as ironic as that sounds.

15. Whats your biggest fear?
Again....do I need to answer this?

16. Which characteristic do you despise in other people?
Judgement, ignorance, liars and really bad manners.

17. What's your worst feature?
Oh gosh! Currently I am not digging myself at all, but if I could change one thing right now it would have to be my tummy. After 4 kids, it's just not so.....elastic anymore. ARG!

18. If you could change something about yourself, what would it be?
I'd be able to make decisions easier. I second guess myself a lot.

19. What do you think about Barack Obama?
Sigh.....I adore him and all that he stands for and I hope that he can live up to the expectations put on him.

20. How do you want to die?
Old. Very old.

21. Which talent do you wish to have?
I wish I could sing like Celine Dion.

22. What is your most precious possession?
My camera I suppose, and my wedding rings.

23. Who are your favorite writers?
I have too many....

24. What is your favorite book?
Again, too many.

25. For what do you feel sadness?
To see someone suffer who doesn't deserve to. That makes me incredibly sad.

26. Which living person do you admire?
Oh, Aidan, my son, for sure. He's so brave and.......he's just very inspirational to me.

27. Which living person do you mostly detest?
Ugly, mean people, people who intrude on others in invasive ways and people who don't have the ability to see the beauty in things.

28. What is your favorite quote?
"Don't worry so much about life. No one gets out alive anyway." ...or something. It's morbid, but it puts things in perspective doesn't it?

29. What do you do to help the environment?
I like to feel as if i'm close to mother nature and I do consiously try to protect her in any small way I can.

30. Why do you do this survey?
Just bored.

Little Miss Smarty Pants!

I didn't even know, oh well. It's nice to know now.....better late than never. :) Toot toot!

Scroll down to see my name in bold.
p.s. I'd give my full name....but ya know... ;)


HCC Honors Night salutes more than 100

There were smiles galore as more than 100 were saluted Friday for their hard work and achievements as Henderson Community College students.

The students received awards and scholarships for academics as well as organizational endeavors.

Honor Roll

Kelley Marie Abrams, Andrea Lynne Baity, Linda J. Battle, Crystal Jean Best, Pamela D. Boone, Robin Marie Bowers, Chasidy Dawn Breeding, Rebecca A. Brooks, Andrew Keith Brown, Megan Nichole Brown, Addie Elizabeth Bryant, Gretchen M. Buckman, Daniel Bryce Bullock, Erin L. Caldwell, Jennafer L. Chandler, Lauren M. Clark, Joanna Hite Clement, Heather Nicole Collins, Jeanie Collins, Mary Emily Conrad, Franah B. Cook, Bridget Rana Courtney, Lisa J. Cox, Katie Erin Crooke, April Lynn Crosley, Jeanette Marie Cupra, Erica Denise Dale, Jamie Marie Dillon-Jones, Amy Hogan Dunford, Christopher S. Economy, Jamie Renee Edmaiston, Lynnsey J. Ellis, Miranda C. Flynn, Julie M. Fuchs, Stacy Jo Fuqua, Bethany M. Glazebrook, Alisa M. Goff, Brandon Tyler Gower, Jessica Greenwood-Markle, Zachary George Hartmire, Cara Rochelle Hickey, Hillary Sue Holcomb, Sylvia Nicole Hood, Megan Renee Jacob, Lacy E. Jimenez, Matthew McLane Jones, Lenora Morris King, Scottie Koonce, Lindsay Morgan Lambrich, Holly Anne Lawrie, Doris J. Lawson, Brandi M. Lewis, Adam Joseph Libbert, Karen Diane Lickey, Jamie Nicole Lindsey, Samantha Anne Logan, Mitch E. Lovell, Teresa Ann Lynn, Lynnette K. McIntyre, Jessica Nicole McKenzie, Cassie L. Moore, Helen Michelle Mosley, Mitzi Jean Murphy, Paige Michelle Nation, Whitney C. Noel, Heather Rachel Ottenbaker, Jared M. Patterson, Lynde S. Pharris, Josh Allen Powell, Katy Lyn Raley, Jill R. Rector, Diana G. Riggs, Brandee R. Roberson, Christina M. Roberts, Dena Sue Rosebrock, Theresa L. Sauer, Tina Louise Smith, Judy Ann Sorrells-Billings, Tanya B. Stanley, Christy D. ______, Jama Renee Stocking, Bonnie Sue Straker, David Andrew Sutton, Tabitha Ann Sutton, Paige Shavonne Taylor, Autumn D. Thomas, Barbara Sue Thomas, Eric Thomas, Kimberly Vinson, Kaitlyn Kristine Walker, Lana Marie Weber, Krista Ann Weldon, Carol Ann Wheeler, Adam T. Wolfe and Donna Ward Wolfe.


5/3/2008





More than 100 saluted at HCC Honors Night

It was their time to shine, and shine they did Friday night when more than 100 of them were saluted for their hard work and achievements as Henderson Community College students.

As proud families watched in the auditorium of the campus fine arts center, the students received awards and scholarships for academics as well as organizational endeavors.

Dean's List

Kelley Marie Abrams, Mary Denise Adams, Brandi Rose Beck, Sherri Ann Blaine, Loria A. Bryan, Darius Julian Collier, Letitia Ann Curtsinger, Sandra Dawn Elmendorf Daniel, Tiffany Leigh Dant, LuAnn Harris Davis, Nicole Marie Dempsey, Wendy Sue Denney, Kirkland Blue Dyer, Jamie Lynn Edge, Sharon B. Edwards, Justin Wayne Elliott, Laura Lynn Gross, Michelle Dawn Hein, Meagan Cory Hendrix, Amy Devon Hobgood, Susan Ashby Hollis, Sylvia Nicole Hood, Heather Kennette Jones, Kimberly Renee Jones-Vinson, Amanda Courtney Long, Julie Nichole McLevain, Gordon Michael Meighen, Anthony Scott Mercer, Kayla LeAnne Pirtle, Aurora M. Reburn, Sarah L. Rideout, Valarie M. Roberts, Amy S. Ross, Wendy Marie Rumsey, Christy D. ________, Jama Renee Stocking, Katherine Joyce Stone and Kimberly Dawn Wheeler.




5/5/2007

Self Reflection

I am coming into a form of clarity right now. I don't know why. It's about nothing in particular, just me thinking a little too much, which I tend to do from time to time. It just happens to be that time again. Time for a little self reflection. I am not at peace in my life and am needing it now more than ever. I believe that everything in life happens in cycles and will also repeat themselves if the lesson isn't learned the first time. Needless to say, I have been around the block several times. Slow learner? Perhaps. Pure stupidity? More than likely. Someone is trying to tell me something and finally, I am listening. Hello!

I have made some bad decisions in my life, ok... A LOT. I own them, they are my decisions, even if they were made for all the wrong reasons or what I thought was the right reasons at the time. I wouldn't be who I am without my mistakes and yada, yada. I am over that and am now at a place where I want to make the right decisions....for me. It seems as though I'm always doing things because that is what someone else thinks I should do or because it's socially correct or the "norm", whatever the hell that is. However, I don't think I've ever really done things because it is what I wanted. I am over caring about what other people think of me. No one can judge me because they have no idea what I have been through emotionally and spiritually in my life. Not that anyone is, that I know of, just speaking hypothetically here. I only get one chance at this life, and incase you don't already know....so do you!

I wish I could talk to my younger self and clue her in on life now that I'm a little older and wiser....I think. If I had the opportunity, I'd shake the shit out of her and smack her around a bit, then I would tell her to be patient and to trust her instincts more. Why do we ignore our instincts? Have they ever led us wrong before? Never. Then why do we ignore the nagging voice that tugs at our bellies screaming at us to LISTEN? Self doubt? Not enough confidence in ourselves? Idiocy? Who knows, who cares! The point is we do this so often and so often think back and go "Ahhhhhhh! Now I get it!". Well, DUH dumbass! <---------------soley speaking to myself here.

Our time clocks are backwards. It's in our 20's where most of our life decisions are made. Who do we want to become? What career do we want? Who do we want to marry? How many children do we want? Where do we want to plant our roots for all ETERNITY? Etcetera. And it's also in our 20's that we don't know shit. (No offense twenty somethings) Who's idea was this anyway? Pffft! It's in our thirties where we really begin to see the light, maybe a little earlier for some and a little later for others . A-hem! That being said...I think a lot of people have these realizations and they look back on things they did, decisions they made and they ask themselves....WTF?!

That is where I am right now. I'm asking myself....what the hell were you thinking you silly girl! Get it together! <-----mentally shaking myself. Ahh, well. It's all a learning process. That is what we're all here for, right? My brain is entirely too small to try and sort out the universe and all it's mysterious workings at noon on a Sunday. However, I am trying to figure other stuff out and I have come to the conclusion that...damn, I'm complex! Not that it's a bad thing, but sometimes I can't help but feel a little envious of all the ignorant people out there. And we all know they're out there....living in sweet oblivion. You know what they say about ignorance...

I was recently complaining to a friend about some things, which is VERY rare , and she asked me why I was complaining because she said that I have lived a "very colorful life, a life where I have truly lived". This took me back a bit. I guess I have.... If colorful is what you want to call it, then....let's break out the crayons! If I wrote down all the highlights and lowlights of my life I could write a very interesting book, but couldn't we all? Everyone has a story to tell. My point is, that sometimes it takes an outside perspective to put things into perspective. It also takes you to step out of yourself for a moment to sometimes see things more clearly. We get tangled up sometimes in the external chaos and we lose sight of our inner selves and our purpose. Wow....this is getting too deep. My point is, I'm trying to find my way back....it's a cycle.

What brought all this on, you ask? I had a crazy ass dream last night. I'll leave the details out, but it made me realize things and I hate that! I don't want to think. I just want to be. I don't want to question my purpose for goodness sake! I just want to go shopping and buy up some good sales, play Hi-Ho Cheerio with Aidan, gossip with my girlfriends and talk about nothing significant and laugh and pretend everything is ok! Shit! Alas, one can only pretend for so long.... Can I get a witness???

Onto much lighter things....it's a new year and I'm so glad the holidays are over. I just wasn't feelin' it. At all. The decorations are down and put away and I'm ready for a better new year. Last year wasn't the best and it dealt us some crappy hands, but this year will make up for that. Aidan is still in remission and doing fantastic. Christian and Colton are still attatched at the hip, and Skyler, is...well, a teenager. Enough said. That is another blog entirely. And for the record, can I say how odd it is to raise a teen? I feel like I'm just coming away from all that awkard ickiness and now I'm going through it again, but through the eyes of a 14 year old boy. Lord help me! This time next year we'll be getting ready for him to drive. I'll make sure to warn you so that you can get all the teenage girls inside and all of your loved ones off the streets.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful, happy, prosperous and, more importantly, healthy new year!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

~Christy

I Hate Assholes!

I think every one of my patients had diarrhea the other night. I was up to my ears in shit. Literally. It's when you're dumping out buckets of poo that you realize what your life has become. Bedside commodes were invented by some asshole behind a desk who just wanted to gross us nurses out. It's bad enough that we have to wipe butts, but to then dump it's contents into a toilet and hope and pray that you don't get splashed...well, that's just plain mean! Alas, this is the reality of being a nurse. It's not all about comfort measures people. TMI? Yes. Welcome to my reality.

I also had a pt who had a prolapsed rectum, meaning it was on the outside and my job was to make sure it was put back in. Um, yes, you read that right. When she pooped and I cleaned her up, I had to gently push her rectum back in where it belonged. Ever seen a prolapsed rectum? It ain't pretty. Actually it scared the shit out of me! No pun intended.

On another topic...I have discovered since being a nurse that the whiniest and most complaining of patients is young people and men. No offense to any men out there, but you all whine an awful lot! I had a man the other day who had a lap chole and cried everytime he was moved a centimeter while the 94 year old women down the hall who's abdomen looked like it had been used as a medical experiment never even asked for a pain pill. It sometimes amazes me at some people's perception of pain. I know isn't our job to question their level of pain, as everyone's is different, but sometimes you just want to go... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I had a young pt the other night and she had all of her friends visiting and they were all laughing and carrying on and being stupid like young kids tend to do and as soon as they all left she was suddenly in excrutiating pain. Hmmmmmmmm. She didn't like her IV being in her ac. Well, those are the breaks sweetheart. I mean, she had no veins and I wasn't about to move her very patent and well flushing IV because she just didn't like it there. :/ No one does, but sometimes it's all we can do. Deal. Then she didn't like her flat pillow and asked for a fluffy one. We don't have "fluffy" ones, we have one size and that's it. This isn't Bed, Bath and Beyond folks. We get asked all the time for warm blankets too....sorry, but we don't have blanket warmers on our unit and NO I will NOT shove the blanket in the microwave and warm it up for you. Yes, I have been asked that before. Oy!

Speaking of assholes...I have also discovered that it's the patient's families who are more demanding than anyone. The other night I actually had a family member write down everything I said. For a moment I wondered if I was being interviewed. It's sort of rude. Oh and I really love those who seek you out in the halls EVERYTIME instead of just using the call light. I mean, seriously....is this necessary? Unless it's an emergency, do not iterupt me while I am drawing up meds for another patient and distract my concentration for some freaking jello. Okay? I think they just don't realize that we do have other patients who have just as many problems as their family member. It does get frustrating at times, but it's all a part of the job. I will be glad when I can someday have a job where I am not a floor nurse. It's easy to get burned out.

Thanks for listening to me rant :)

Happy 2009!

MySpace Graphics & Free Myspace Layouts

Cheers to a New Year! I'll be glad when 2008 is history....and that will be at precisely midnight (der). I decided to ring in the new year at home. Every year I go out and every year it's the same thing....crowds, no cabs, drunk annoying people & my arse hungover and feeling like crap. LOL So I'm making some food and plan on playing games with my family and having a few coctails. Note, I said few. Aren't I a party animal? Growl!

What has 2008 taught me? It's taught me that I don't take good care of myself...in every way. I don't make resolutions, because I never stick to them, but I do vow...to myself...to treat myself better this year. I just want to overall be a better person in general. I will eat a little healthier, even if it's only one of the meals of the day, maybe I'll even start to have breakfast too! I'll also get rid of some clutter, clean out my closet and emotional baggage, so to speak. I have too many external things in my life that's just a distraction, so it's adios to that! I also want to take better care of myself spiritually as well. I need a good cleansing, or..... exorcist. Anyone know of any I can borrow? I'll let ya know how it goes, that is if I can keep my head on straight enough to blog.

So what are your "resolutions" for the new year? I wish everyone a healthy, prosperous and very happy new year for 2009. Be safe and remember...don't drink and drive for the love of God, k?


Peace & Love to all my blog friends.

Ho, Ho, Meow

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. We had a very nice one and the kids all had a good time too. We went to my husband's family Christmas yesterday and came away with a very huge and very fat cat named Toby. Keith gave it to his sister long ago and she re-gifted the cat back to us. Nothing better than recycled kitty to start the new year.

I'm not really a cat person. I like my dog. He's reliable, he wags his tail, he pants and runs around like a do-do and is predictable. Cats slink around, have very sharp claws and swat at your feet. Needless to say, I am trying but all it does when it's around is stare at me, as if it can see through my soul to my deepest darkest secrets. Unnerving.

Moving along....I've been too busy to blog lately. I got a job offer on Christmas Eve. I'm contemplating it and wondering if it wasn't a little bit of divine intervention. ;) I'll let you know more when I know more about it.

I was supposed to work Christmas night, but I got low census. On holidays they pull names out of a hat to see who gets low census and mine was drawn. I never get picked for anything...Merry Christmas to me! I'm back to work tonight, then I work New Years day. I think work will be good for me right now...I need some healthy distractions.

I'm so glad that the holidays are over and it is almost a new year. I really need my battery recharged and a new, clean slate. This last year was a tad trying for me. Hopefully the next one will bring more good things...it's looking up.

I promise to blog more in the New Year....that is one resolution I think I can stick to.

Ta ta.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

There is only three days left until Christmas....yay! I'm so excited to see my boy's faces when they open their gifts this year. I'm also ready for it to be over because I'm ready to stop stressing about the financial side of it. We had a budget this year for Christmas which we normally don't have. Actually, we've always had a budget, but never stuck to it because....."aww, look at that!". You get it. This year we were forced to stick to a budget and so there are not going to be nearly as many presents, however it will still be a good Christmas. Because afterall, it isn't about presents is it?

This past week I feel as though I've been chewed up and spit out. For one, I had a horrible virus that seemed to never want to go away, then other things happened that made me feel just as horrible, if not worse. Anyhow...I'm currently in a place of deep reflection and sorting through a bunch of things in my mind. I feel like I'm on some kind of introspective journey, but unsure where it's leading me. It happens. LOL

I work Christmas night....boo! Atleast it's only for 8 hours and not 12, so that is the brighter side. I'm also looking forward to the nice Christmas bonus that is awaiting me at work this evening. :)

I hope that everyone has a wonderful Christmas and gets to spend quality time with their families. I hope Santa is good to each and every one of you this year. Merry Christmas to all!

~Christy

Seven Pounds

I happened upon a movie yesterday as I was laying in bed nursing this horrible stomach virus that I am rightfully tired of! Anyhow, it's called Seven Pounds and I don't know if it was the slight fever I had, the fact that I was tired or the fact that is was just that good, but I cannot stop thinking about this movie!!!!!!! I have watched it twice, back to back, then watched certain clips again.

It is so emotional and regardless of what reviews have said...I think it's excellent and one of the best movies I've ever seen! I can't really give the plot away, because that takes away from the mystery and experience of the story as it unfolds....HOWEVER, I will say this...go see it. Go now, don't wait. It is so moving and lovely. It stars Will Smith and Rosario Dawson. Will Smith's performance isn't fantastic on the first go around....but once you know the story and watch it again his actions, personality, acting is explained...it's hard to describe unless you know what is going on. Rosario Dawson...OhMyGosh....... EXCELLENT. Ugh! Couldn't have played her part better or more naturally. I was so moved by her performance.

I cried like a baby! BAWLED....hiccuped, the whole nine. It is just so touching that you will never forget it.

Anyhow...check out the trailer below and GO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!

Mellow Yellow

Like clockwork I am up at 6am this morning, regardless of what time I went to bed. I was reading the blog I posted last night and realized how angry it sounded and I got to thinking about a comment someone made about it. I suppose I do feel a little lonely. Not in the way of being physically alone, but in the way that I sometimes feel as if some people don't truly care. I wish I could blog about everything that is going on in my private life, but some things are better left unsaid. However, I am yellow this morning. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.

~Christy

Bah-Humbug!

Ah, the holiday season, time for carols, eggnog and trampling over people for a five dollar discount. Don't ya just love it? Makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside... I just can't get enough.

As you can see, I'm not sharing in the holiday spirit as others are this year. I feel like Scrooge...BAH HUMBUG MOTHER F*CKERS, I'm just here for toilet paper! I love Christmas, but this year it feels like it snuck up on me entirely too fast. The kids lists just keep getting longer and longer and it makes me realize just how spoiled they truly are and it's no one's fault but my own.

Don't get me wrong, I feel blessed, so blessed in fact that I could run around screaming, dancing and jumping like a crazy lady telling people just how blessed I really am. CAUSE I AM. I am alive, my family is healthy, I have a good job, my husband has a job...what more could you want in life? If that's the case then why am I feeling so crappy? Well I'll tell you, because I KNOW you are on the edge of your seats right now just waiting...right?

I have a lot going on in my life right now, things I won't mention because it doesn't matter what it is, it just matters that it is occuring. Occuring in magnitudes that are kind of unbelievable. Sometimes life has it's way of shitting on you. It's when everything hits you at once and all you can do is watch as it all falls down around you. You just stand there wondering.... why me? I think I am a good person. I think I do things with good intentions in mind. I think I try to live my life in an honest and decent way. Then why does everything have to suck all at once? Hmmm? Well, that is the space that I am living in right now. The sucky space, in the sucky room where everything and everyone just inevitably SUCKS ASS! When it rains, it pours...

Maybe it's karmic crud. I know where it comes from...the crud. I have given this much thought. I have been feeling more emotionally, physically and spiritually absent since I started working nights. I know, I know.....here she goes with that night shift malarchy again! But seriously...I have come to the conclusion that I can't do it all. I am not superwoman with super powers, I am just me. Just lil ole Christy. I cannot make sure everything is perfect, that my children are perfect, that my marriage is perfect, and I am not delusional enough to think that I am perfect, although I strive to be....alas, I am not. Sigh. The universe is throwing entirely too much at me at once and forcing me to reject it. It's like eating bad shell fish......OUT! OUT! OUT!

I cannot be the mom, wife, friend or human being that I want to be as long as I'm lethargic and going through life on an empty tank of gas. All I want to do is sleep. I think about it, I lust over it, I imagine my bed calling for me with ardent passion... "Christy, come to me, lay with me, I'll make all of your dreams come true!" UGH! It's ridiculous, that's what!

So, what I am saying in this here blog is that I am an empty shell of a person lately. I feel blank and bored, uninspired and dare I say, depressed. HELP! I'm just spinning my wheels. I keep running and running waiting for the reward, the light at the end of the tunnel. Where the hell is it already? I've put my time in, I've crossed the t's and dotted the i's. I even helped that old lady across the street and all I get is some crappy news from day to day. Pfft. How much more can one person take? As the old saying goes...God wouldn't give you what you could not handle. Well then, I must be a bad ass then. Maybe that will be my new screen name....Christy, Ohe Bad Ass Chick.

HOWEVER, I do know that this too shall pass. Afterall, there is no where to go but up from here. I am trying very hard to think of the positives, and there are a lot of them, but sometimes, just sometimes you cannot help but look around you and ask yourself......WTF?

Ok...onto the positives now.....God has blessed us extremely. I know that this slump will go away and I will someday soon be standing on the hilltop looking down at the bad times laughing....har har har...that really sucked! When that day comes I will be sure to tell you all about it. Despite the negative, I am happy that I am have a good family and friends to carry me when I am sometimes not strong enough to carry myself. This Christmas will be a good one, regardless of the external shit storm. I will make certain it is good because I'm not a quitter and because I will keep on keepin' on as that is what I do best.

Many blessings to you all,

Christy, One Bad Ass Chick

Decisions, Decisions

So I have come to a conclusion. I will be staying at my job on the general surgery floor.
Here is why:
I know the doctors,
I have made many good friends,
I know the unit and enjoy doing the skills I get to do,
AND, I when I decide to change jobs I'd like for it to be a day position and I plan on searching for one post-holiday stress.

I have yet to be called for an interview because I think she's waiting for a lot of the applications to come in. However, I will decline to save myself the temptation...because regardless of all that I just said, IT'S TEMPTING!

I just feel good knowing I have made a decision, whether or not I'd even have been offered the job. I have a lot of stress in my life right now and a job change isn't something I want to be worrying about. Anyhow...that is that.

Our company Christmas party was this past weekend...a bunch of girls went together...it was fun. Here are some photos I took....yes, we got a little drunk and we had a lot of fun and guess what? We deserved it! WEEEEEEEEEEE!

A Traitor Walks Among Us

I have a confession to make. I applied for another job yesterday, which is in my hospital, and I'm questioning myself for doing so. <----Biting nails and darting eyes from side to side.

I have had one major complaint for about 9 months and that is my job. Not being a nurse, but being a nurse on my floor which is always, in the least, a chaotic place to be. I liken it to being in the middle of a storm while the siren is blaring in your ears for 12 hours straight and you are having to concentrate in the middle of it. It's so energy sapping and draining. I think a lot of it is the night shift. I'm just so tired, but more than that, it is the constant crap that they throw at us and don't care how we will ever get it done, but that we must.

So a position opened on another unit, It's a women's surgical unit and let me tell you...it is a different world there. Really. It has 14 beds, it is quiet...really quiet there...the patients are mostly younger women...hysterectomys and the like. It is so pretty there too. Nice cabinets, glass partitians, trendy waiting room furniture....they even have christmas decorations up. A beautiful Christmas tree, a lighted snowman, stockings with the nurses names hanging from the nurses station. They have a lot of time on their hands there, in other words. The dinamaps (sp), or BP machines rather, are all new....they have pulse ox's which are hard to come by on my floor and that REALLY pisses me off! It's just so new and posh and quiet and as NON chaotic as could be. It's like night and day from my floor. The matrixing is very nice....3 nurses to 14 patients with two assistants....is that a joke? That means that they may have 4 patients a piece. It's unheard of! On my floor we can only have two assistants if we have 22 patients! It makes absolutly no sense and that is WHAT ANGERS ME SO! They throw you to the wolves and smile while you're being eaten alive. It's such bullshit!

I have two very good friends who work there and they called to tell me of the opening. A little inside scoop. I was aprehensive and here is why....even if it doesn't make sense. Ok, so I started on med-surg, even if it does suck so hideously bad, I know the place, I have made awesome friends, I feel proud to say I'm a med-surg nurse because I have gotten to do and see everything and yes, that's an awesome feeling as a nurse. There is something about knowing how to do all of those skills and to feel competent. It's like a right of passage so to speak. On the women's unit where I applied, they don't do as many skills, they don't have telemetry patients and such. Like I said....it's quiet there. A part of me wonders if I'll feel less of a nurse. I know that sounds so silly, but it's true. I work hard and I like it, what I don't like is working so hard and still never getting some things done because there is just too much work to be done for one person alone.

Anyway....I'm afraid my boss will be pissed. She needs people right now. Plus the position is full-time nights. I work part-time nights right now and am not even sure if I want to go back to full-time. Plus....I was hoping to stay on my floor and wait until I found a day position somewhere so...arg. I'm just confused and can't help but feel like a traitor kinda. After last week on my floor I can't help but think that place is crazy and I need to get out and fast, but don't want to leave at the same time. I have a lot of decisions to make. Does anyone have any advice?????? I feel lost.

Lesson #1 Trust Your Instincts

I had to send a 59 year old patient to ICU at 5am this morning. I thought he was going to die. I'm so stressed that I'm having chest pains. Too much responsability and too much pressure.

He had a thoracotmy because of some metastisis of a cancer that they'd found. He was doing ok at the beginning, a little sob with exertion, but I knew he was missing part of a lung so it was expected. He was on 4 liters of 02 and his sats were
93-94%. I kept a close eye on him because he was a bit of a nervous nelly. "I have a pain here (pointing to pinky toe) what does that mean?" And such...

He goes to restroom and calls the desk...can't breathe. Go to his room, get him into bed...sats are now 84% and he's very labored....gasping...becoming mottled and cyanotic. Call lights are going off from other patients... "Christy, Christy!". My patient can barely talk, I sit him up, get vitals, call an MRT (medical response team). They suggest anxiety caused by some difficulty breathing..... ya think? Pulse 138, respers 32. Something is just not right. Call doc....says do this do that, monitor him. So I monitor and watch my pt gasps for air like a fish out of water. Put him on a partial re-breather, set 02 to 100%. Sats go back up in the 90's. I take a deep breath myself. I had a hunch he has COPD. It wasn't diagnosed, but just my own theory, which means if you give them too much 02 they lose the drive to breathe. I knew this, but without the 02, he wouldn't be breathing..AT ALL!

There was a nagging in my tummy. It kept tugging at me and whispering...Hey! Hey You! Nurse! LADY!
Something was not right...I felt it...Patient turns to me, grabs my arm, looks me straight in the eye gulping...."Christy." Call doc again...this time I get annoyed...."Listen up doc." He tells me to send pt to the unit. I pack up the chart and off we go. He's turning more dusky now, can't get air....we're running and bumping into a lot of things on the way there. Hey, it's me remember?

Bust threw ICU doors, just like in the movies. He looks me in the eye and apologizes....poor guy, tihnks this is somehow bothering me. As if! Well, I take that back, it did bother me a hell of a lot because I was afraid he would die! ICU nurses get to work quickly. He's intubated and is now on a ventilator. Diagnosis....Flash Pulmonary Edema.

Back on my floor....call lights. "Christy! Where's Christy? Where's my nurse? I need a shot!" Well I need a shot too...of LIQUER! Running to rooms, here is your shot, here is your blanket, here is your dilaudid, here's a bucket for you to puke in, here's the bedpan to poop in. Trying to chart and cover my ass....call lights. I want to hide under my desk and cry. I didn't, but I sure wanted to!

Time to give report...
Me: "I have no idea what I did last night. I think I gave him something for pain, not certain." Bwaaaa! Ha! Ha! Ha! <-- that was me cracking the F up.

My floor sucks. Too many high acuity patients, not enough staff, not enough rescources and if you forget to chart something it's your ass. They don't care about us. It's all about the budget.

I can't wait for my cake nursing job to find me. I can picture it now.....soft elevator music is playing in the background...I'm filing my nails and having a bon-bon in the comfort of my little office filled with photos of my children and nice cards from my patients. I see them into the exam room. Have time to do a thorough assessment because they had an appointment, I know they're coming and I'm prepared. I give them a lollypop for being good. We talk about how nice the weather is and I ask them to wait patiently for the doctor to come see them. There is a receptionist who is answering the phone calls AND stuffing the charts. Sigh. How lovely. WAIT...is that the sound of a balloon deflating? Oh yea....reality. Bah! pbbbbllllt!

I will call and check on my patient later. Still concerned. Hope I did enough.....

And as I'm typing this my fav song comes on....Touch of Grey. Yes Jerry...I will get by, I will survive.

A Work In Progress

I've been writing on my "book" a lot this week. Sometimes I won't pick it up for a month, then I start writing and can't stop. It needs a lot of editing, but so far I'm really liking it. I'm into my 6th chapter and love the direction it's going. Originally I had a plot fleshed out, but as I was writing things changed and ideas come up that seem to fit more with the flow of the story. It's so fun to mold characters, give them a personality obstacles etc and to create a story for them. Some things I don't like, but will change them when I do a large edit. Anyway, I'm sure this is entirely too boring for you all, but I just wanted to share my excitement. I may even post a chapter here at some point...who knows.

Hope everyone is having a nice week so far :)

Midnight Sun............

This whole Twilight thing has got me discombobulated. First of all...I read New Moon and am now in the middle of Eclipse. I admit...it's boring me. Twilight seems to be the book where it should end....why drag it out? THEN I discovered on SM website that she had written part of a new book called Midnight Sun that explains Twilight in Edward Cullens perspective, but it was leaked online before it was finished. I hungrily read it devouring...she offered it up because what else could she do at this point? Only the first 12 chapters.....but so revealing. It was better than Twilight....I loved it....so detailed, so rich with emotion and explanation. Thanks you Lord that it wasn't a shallow adaptation of Twilight. I am so sad it ended at Ch 12!!!!!! BOOOOOOO! Will she ever finish this? I don't know, but I hope so....such a tease.

I watched The Duchess. I'm a huge sucker for any English film. (p.s. I love the BBC!) and it was so very good. I cried like a newborn baby at the last hour....ugh. If you get a chance....watch it. Keira Knightly is so natural in this role, her performance is incredible.

My love for BBC films is a little obsessive too. I recently found this movie and I am thoroughly obessed with it....it's so fantastic.

Check out the first episode of North and South here:



That's all. :)

Did I Just Say That Out Loud?!

I worked on Thanksgiving, it wasn't bad working 8 hours. I felt more rushed, but the time flew so quickly that I was literally at one point running down the hall with my supply cart as if there was a code just to get things done. You'd think that working 12 hours, or even 8 is enough time, but rarely it is not. I am often feeling rushed and can hear the clock ticking as if it's a time bomb ready to explode and show the world what a big failure I am. I got my last med passed at exactly 0700. Mission accomplished!

The other night I found myself to be "that" nurse. You know, the kind who inches towards to door while seeming interesting in the mindless chatter of the pt when in reality they are just thinking of all that she needs to do? Yes...I hate "that" nurse, but she was me.

Example:
Me: "Hello Mr. Patient Man. I've brought your protnix." Quickly pushing the protonix in the central line while simultaneously assessing the state of their breathing, scanning the catheter bag for adequate output, checking the 02 saturation....90%! Reach over turn up the volume to 3L. Finish pushing the med, quickly flush. Cover pt, move water close by, make sure call light is within reach. CHECK!

Mr Patient Man: "I asked if you could scratch my back please!"

Me: "Of course" Quickly scratching back as if I'm in a "who can scratch the fastest contest" while thinking of Pt in bed 6 who pulled out their IV and has D5NS running all over their freshly changed sheets. Can hear the "Mary Had a Little Lamb" going off down the hall and wondering if Mrs. Dementia is halfway to the parking lot by now.

Mr Patient Man: "...and I had this mole removed back in 43' and the doc said it was not cancerous, but I got cancer all right!"

Me: "Hmmm...Mmm Hmmm....Oh really?" Scratching even faster now....can pitcure Mrs. Dementia wandering aimlessly looking for her cat which she seemed overly obsessed about.
Can hear the call light going off...I bet that is Mr. Wet Sheets in bed 6 wondering where in the hell I am. Stop scratching and walk nonchalantly toward the door seeming calm and collected. Getting closer....closer....."Ok then, you're all set. I'll be back shortly." (not really, but sometimes you have to lie)...

Mr Patient Man: "Nurse!"

Me: cringe with one foot out the door. Peep my head in with a shaky smile. "Yes?"

Mr Patient Man: Holding the remote toward me. "Can you find Walker Texas Ranger for me?"

Me: For f*cks sake! "Of course." Smile.

So, yea....sometimes you are left with no alternative than to be THAT nurse. I hate it. I'd love to chat with my patients and their families all day long, but there is never any time to do so. It's a rat race, I'm tellin' ya.

I also had a VERY awkward experience the other night. It was the beginning of my shift and I walk in to greet my patient. I got report and know he is there with diverticulitis. I walk in and who do I see sitting in the chair next to the patient's bed other than my old clinical instructor.

Ba, Ba, Bummmmmm!

Suddenly I felt I was back in nursing school fumbling clumsily and feeling incompetent. I had to remind myself that Old Eagle Eyes is not my instructor anymore and that I am a good med-surg nurse who knows what she is doing! Well....most of the time. Oh she watched closely all right. Making sure I did a thorough head to toe assessment. She even asked if I'd help pull her, very mobile and non surgical, 60 year old husband up in the bed! I almost fell on the floor laughing at how ridiculous it was. He layed there like dead weight and even crossed his arms over his chest. I could tell it had been a very looooooooooooong time since she's been a floor nurse. I asked him to pull up his knees and help push himself up. It would be like myself laying there helpless and letting people completly move me....laughable. She looked almost appauled I'd ask for his help. Sorry honey, but the only people I risk my back over are people who cannot move themselves...not healthy men who haven't even had surgery who was just up walking the halls to get coffee!

Anyhow...she left soon after and I was relieved. The next morning I was very tired and telling my patients goodbye. I was moving quickly..as always...and when I got to Eagle Eye's husband (don't you love my names for these people? Ha!) I noticed she was back in the room...knitting a ugly sweater that I told her was very pretty and not entirely sure I appeared truthful. I made certain he had his breakfast and as I was leaving I accidentaly told him..."Ok, I'm leaving now...I love you!" Oh-Em-Gee! Did I just say that as if I were talking to my husband or kids and OUT LOUD? Yes I did. And he replied automatically with "Love you too!"
(Blush) I left flustered....embarassed, ready to get the hell out of there and fast!

I thought about it all the way home....berating myself and laughing at myself in the car like a crazy lady. If anyone is going to humiliate themselves it will be me. I am the one who will trip and fall in front of a bunch of people, the one who will laugh at inappropriate moments and the one who will spill my coffee all down the front of my white shirt....that girl is me.

I am not surprised that I made a fool of myself...let's put it that way, but why did it have to be him? HER husband! I was doing so good....proving myself to be a good nurse. "See Eagle Eyes...I can hang IV fluids....I can do an assessment...I can use critical thinking....I can even pull a 200 pound man up in the bed while not using my back! How you like them apples Old Eagle Eyes huh, huh?! Then I fall flat on my face and erase all traces of professionalism with 3 little words. Oy!

Moral of the story.....you can't do everything and please everyone. You can only do your best. When the day is done, it's done. Let it go and move on because tomorrow is another day and I'm sure I'll do something completely random and stupid then too.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I worked last night. It was awful. Haven't had such a bad night in a very long time. So many new orders....mostly at shift change....pt's not doing well...calling docs...not really much help....sigh. I go back tonight....I dread it. However...I am very blessed and from this point forward I am going to focus on the positive today. SO I will say that I am thankful that atleast I have a job I can complain about.

My child is still in remission from cancer. When I think of being thankful that is the first thing I think of. I could cry with the joy of it. It is the greatest blessing of my life. My other boys are also healthy and doing well. I have a nice husband who has always encouraged me and supported me 100%. I have good friends and good paying job. I have my health and the ability to walk, talk, hear, sing, laugh, cry, smile and frown. I have so much in my life, despite a lot of hardships it could always be worse. Someone always has it worse....

I hope you have a wonderful day. I am off to sleep for a while before I go back to work. Hopefully tonight will be better.

I am under construction.....

Just playing with my blog....be patient while I make it perty. :)

p.s....yea I worked last night.....feel like a zombie....have much to discuss about how physically and spiritually unhealthy I'm feeling lately, but for now I am just going to relish in the divine world of blankness and do something that requires little to no thought.

.....was that a run-on or what? ;)

Lazy People Suck

I decided it was time for a new blog although I have nothing to really blog about because I'm just feeling kinda blah today. Maybe I'm a little depressed, I'm not sure. I do have a lot going on in my life right now that is depression worthy, so maybe that is it. Aside from that...it's cold out, I'm tired, I'm being visited by that pesky Flo and I have to work tonight. Wah, wah wah.

I layed my head down this afternoon to take a nap. Did I ever get to? No because my kids were being loud and I had too many thoughts swimming in my head. Sigh. I just hate working nights....although the other night I did however get to work with a nurse that looked like this: So, yea....my night perked up a bit. On top of that he was one of the sweetest guys I'd ever met....very pleasent evening I must say. No I'm not a cheater, cheater pumpikin eater, but it's kinda hard not to notice THAT. I am human afterall. (Wink)

Despite the fact that he was gorgeous, straight, caring and nice had nothing at all to do with why I enjoyed working with him. It was because he was a man. We don't have any males that work on our floor except for our regular floaters and I enjoy working with them just as much even if they don't look like male models. They just bring a different atmosphere to the unit. Plus it always comes in handy when you need help lifting someone who weighs 300 lbs, but whatever. Sometimes working with women is tiring. They talk behind eachother's backs, bitch, moan, groan, complain, gossip, text message their boyfriends all night, start rumors....just UGH!

It's definatly a challenge at times. Some are worse than others. Some I could slap half way to China for some of their ridiculous and immature behavior. Why can't everyone be just like me? LOL I'm not a troublemaker, I try and mind my own business but am nice when approached, I like teamwork and I'm a hard worker. So many times people that I work with are not doing their jobs....usually when the superviser isn't there. Big shocker! But we are there to do a job....this is certainly not a job you can skimp on or put off till tomorrow....they are people and I get so frustrated when some of my co-workers are so lazy.

Nursing is a multifaceted career. We do it all and must do it well. You can't really make mistakes and it's scary. We are supposed to delegate tasks to others...that is part of our job. When I delegate a task to you, little lazy CNA, don't give me lip or the stank eye...yes I saw you do that! I am a fair person. If I am not busy I will not hunt you down to tell you to take Mrs. Thirsty a drink. I will do it myself. If I am busy I will kindly ask you to do it and don't care if you are in the middle of a conversation about how much of an asshole your boyfriend is. You do your job, I do my job. End of story. This isn't chitty chat hour, it's let's keep our patients alive hour. I have been a CNA....I know it's a hard job, but it is your job and if you don't like it then find a new one! I've lost all patience lately. I think some of them don't truly realize what we have riding on our shoulders.

Here is the thing about some of the assistants on my floor, and I say some because there is only a handful who really just suck. The rest are very good and I am so grateful.... otherwise I may have quit a while ago. They are our right hands and when they refuse or hide from you because they do not want to help then you are on your own. Here's the thing.....yes, I can do your job, but guess what....you cannot do mine! Did you hear that? You cannot do my job so just because I can do yours doesn't mean I have the time. I don't care to come and help you wipe a dirty butt and I don't care to take your vitals, but if I am busy I can't do it. I am only one person. I run my ass off just as much as you do missy! Half the damn time I am racing the clock just to get all of my work done in 12 hours, believe it or not. I am not getting paid to do two jobs, only one....so do yours, I'll do mine, we'll help eachother and get through it.

We work our asses off on my floor. This is not an overstatement. I don't mind it...actually I get some kind of rush from being super busy. I just don't like being super busy, drowning, listening to a million call lights, hearing the phone ring and seeing your ass sitting in a chair drinking your coke and eating cookies. ARG! What I want to do is tell you to get your off your big lazy arse and actually earn your money, but all I really do is smile and silently curse you as I'm doing it.

Ok...I feel better now :) I just had to rant a little, it's one of those days. Thanks for listening.

Oh Happy Day :)

What a day. We have a new President of the United States....Barack Obama. I am so proud of America today. Proud that we, as americans, have come so far to see beyond the color of one's skin and to look forward to our brighter future that lies ahead. america has spoken and they want CHANGE. They want the hope of a new world, new ideals and a new voice in Washington. We have been lied to and abused and led into a near recession and are standing up and speaking out and shouting to the rooftops that we won't let that happen again! We don't want our troops to die in vain. We have a new voice now, a voice I personally believe in that can get us out of the big black hole that we are in to slowly come out of it and see sunshine again one day. 14 million more voters turned out for this election than the last. Doesn't that speak loud and clear? We have been heard.

President Obama (I love saying that) has so much on his shoulders. Many will love to see him fail....most of those being who stood behind a man that tore our country apart. He will fail, as they all do, he will make mistakes, as they all do, but he will do all of those things with the best of intentions, as many have not. He has Americans, real Americans, in mind. He knows the power he now has, the great responsability that he will carry. The reason this election was so important was because we are in such dire straits and we elected this man to bring us out of it because we had the most faith in him. As Barack said in his speech....it may not happen in 4 years. It probably won't, because it has been years and years in the making. He has the biggest job of all....to see us through this and he will be picked apart for all his efforts by republicans. I have the greatest faith that he is the only man for this enormous job.

I was without words last night when he was announced our new President. I cried. I cried because we have waited for so long and because it was such a moment in history and I felt glad to be a part of it. Our first African American president....wow! Regardless of that...I don't think America voted for him because he is black, that's a ridiculous notion. American voted for him because of the man he is and his policies and optimism for our future. You would have to be blind not to see that in him. On the other side of this equation is equality. To know that someone who was once not allowed to vote because of the color of their skin believed in himself enough to rise above prejudices and to go all the way to the White House....well, that's just fabulous. There are no words for that.

To those of you who feel "ashamed" of America for voting the way they have and hope that God will forgive us someday (yes I have heard this).... To that, I also have no words. Judgement. God does not judge, but I see that you do. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, this is America after all, however that is just too low for words. If you want to be ashamed of anyone, be ashamed of the mess that was George W. Bush that you voted for!!!! Because he has corrupted the White House and you put him there, does that also mean that God is judging you? Please don't be hypocritical people. It is not christian to judge. A wise man once said...."I have a dream that a man will not be judged by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character." .....and so he was. :) There is certainly no shame in that.

As I said...America has spoken and we are no longer the minority in our own country. There will be people baring their teeth like rabid hungry dogs just waiting to say..."I told you so" and to take a bite our of our President, BUT he is now your president too, whether you like it or not. We can stand together or we can stand divided. SO please remember that this is a lot on one man and he has so much to do to clean up the biggest mess we've had in a century. I believe he can. I know he can...one step at a time. I am PROUD to be an American today and can't wait to see the change in our future and I know that God loves me regardless who I "vote" for, just as he will forgive those for judging us for it.

As you can tell I am very passionate about this, but that doesn't mean I am so passionate that I throw daggers. I believe that John McCain really is an American hero, as I've said in a previous post, but it wasn't his time. If he had ran before W. would he have won.....probably so. Do I believe he picked the wrong VP candidate? Yep. That was a political move entirely and America was smart enough to see through that. John McCain is a good man, a man to respect for all the sacrifices he has made for our country...he's a real and true American. Isn't it also "american" to come from Africa, have a white mother, a black father who worked 2 and 3 jobs to make ends meet to and to go all the way to Harvard because you had a dream? That is also very "american". What can be more american than realizing the american dream? You can judge a man by his sacrifice and his character and I believe they both have all of that and then some. McCain's concession speach was so eloquent, sincere and gracious. I feel that he is a great man and I am glad he has the strength of character and enough love for our country to stand behind our new commander and chief.

All right....enough of that :) I am a very happy and proud American today. Government of the people, by the people, and for the people....that's what I'm saying. I am so proud and moved. No one can take away my joy for having the "audacity of hope".

God bless you and God bless America :)

I VOTED!

.....and I hope you did too :)

Bark at The Moon

So....this whole Twilight book thing had me thinking and what I was thinking was... why am I thinking so much about a book that I really didn't like??? This makes no sense. I'm a sensible person. I read crappy books all the time and never think of them again. Then I realized what was nagging at me so badly....I want to know what happened next! Bad or not, I did kind of care for these characters and didn't want to just slap some duck tape over their mouths and shut them up forever. So I guess what I am saying is that this book musn't been that bad at all. You don't normally get invested in shallow characters do you? I never have and I like Edward and I like Bella and I want to know what happens to them damnit! Yes, the writing may not be the BEST ever and some of the scenes do bring the LOL's at innapropriate and unintended times, but it's a good plot with a lot of suspense and I want to know more about these people.

Maybe I am a literary snob. I've read too many superb books by superb writers that when I came across something that wasn't so "superb" I turned up my snotty little nose at it and scoffed! Then I realized something else. Twilight is written in the first person by a teenage girl....that explains so much and makes me feel so much better. Sigh!

I couldn't take anymore so I went out and bought THIS! New Moon is the sequal to Twilight and I have been reading it non stop since I started when I realized...hey...I'm actually liking this. I tried to put my prejudices aside and when I did I became a teenage girl again....standing on the precipice of unrequited love of another species from another time and it's magnificent. Not only is the beginning a shocker (!!!!!), but the fact that one of the biggest characters of the book is practically non existent throughout is a new twist that I didn't expect. Enter the werewolf.

Yes, New moon is predominantly about werewolves and their relation to vampires and in the midst of it all is this one very human, very vulnerable and sometimes REALLY FREAKING STUPID teenage girl. Some of the plot gets entirely too redundant....like the author REALLY WANTS US TO KNOW how she is feeling. We get it....she has a huge hole in her heart. She is hurting......we UNDERSTAND and thanks for the subtelty. No need to spread it out for 200 or more pages. It's crap like that that annoys me about this writer.....HOWEVER (wow I'm using lots of caps in this post), the story holds your attention, as much as you try to ignore some of the writing and foolishness. Despite some of the conflicts I have with the book, I really do enjoy these characters, well, save the main one, Bella, who really annoys me with her lack of common sense to STAY AWAY FROM DANGER GIRL! I love Edward, I love, love, love Jacob (maybe even more right now..shhhhhh). I like Charlie, Bella's dad, all of the Cullens and even some of the "normal" teenagers at her school. They all have distinct personalities and are growing on me.

Anyway...my point....I am trying...I'm giving it a chance and will give you a full review once finished, but if any Zombies or Trolls show up I'm done. Ya hear me?

p.s. visit Mrs. Meyers website...she even made playlists for each chapter that she wrote that explained the "mood" of what the character was thinking and feeling....very intersting....... I like that idea, as I often use music to set the tone for me as I'm writing as well.

Groovy. http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/twilightseries.html

My Vacation in Neuro Heaven

I got pulled to another floor for the first time last night. You'd think in almost a year I would have been pulled by now, but because our cencus is rarely low and because our staffing usually sucks (usually low), I hadn't had the opportunity.

First of all, no one really every wants to get pulled. For me it occured in the middle of my shift...11pm. By that time I had already done my assessments and charted on my patients and to turn around and get pulled to another floor and do all the assessments and charting again on a whole other team is crappy. BUT....it was surprisingly nice. I was pulled to a neuro unit. There were no drains, no tubes, no surgical incisions...wow. It was like being in Oz. I didn't hear anyone screaming, no Mary alarms....I couldn't believe the quietness that was neuro! I had a pt with a migraine, one with a hematoma on her eyebrow from a fall, another with a stitch to his head and one who'd had a lumbar fusion who was up walking the halls all night like it was no big deal. I passed 3 meds and did 2 chemstrips in 8 hours. Ahhhhhhh.....it was like a little vacation from the jungle that is med-surg.

I'd always heard that a pull from our floor is likened to a vacation. But I never really believed it. You get in your comfort zone on your floor. You have a routine and know where everything is, but what I realized is that it's not much different at all. Maybe they shouldn't let our nurses get pulled, because it may let them see that your night doesn't have to always inevitably suck and the patients aren't all near death. Oh...AND they also had ginger ale! How fancy! They have 2 nourishment rooms, and a lot of computers to chart at, all the paperwork was organized and in a particular place. It was close to heaven and oh so yummy!

Let's face it....no one wants to get pulled to our floor. It kinda just sucks. There is no time to sit around and catch up on the latest celebrity gossip. No time to have your ginger ale with a slice of lime....and you are guaranteed to WORK. Nothing wrong with honest work, but to work your fingers to the bone is another matter entirely.

Anyhow....although it seemed like I had worked two 12 hours shifts, it was ok. My first pull wasn't so bad. Can't wait till I'm pulled again. Maybe next time it will be to another enchanting place. I will keep you posted.