Dreamworld

The one thing no one can take away from me is my dreams and I had some good ones last night. :)

Headlines

That Chris Brown needs a good ass whipping for touching sweet Rihanna. What a big huge JERK! How could anyone want to mess up such a pretty face, much less hit a woman and even BITE HER! I am so disgusted.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29106475/?gt1=43001

My Last Day of My First Nursing Job

My last day, a-hem night, on the job was nothing out of the ordinary. Lots of call lights, lots of "Can I get my dayladid and phinigin", as they tend to say. Same, same, same, except for one thing... The looks. I kept getting these puppy dog looks from people from a distance. I would see them watching me as if they would never see me again and it started to wear on my guilty conscience. I'm not dying folks, just switching jobs! I guess you can say I was sad. It wasn't an emotion I was expecting to feel upon leaving, but I did. I even shed some tears as I was being bombarded with hugs and I guess the reason I was so sentimental was that they actually seemed to care that I was leaving. Or perhaps it was hugs of joy. "Glad she's gone!. Let's party!" Ha.

I did manage to have one frightening encounter before I left. I went to check on another nurse's patient only to find him laying in the floor, catheter pulled as excruciatingly tight as possible (ouch) and the call light was clutched tightly in his contracted fist. "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" LOL I had a premonition I would be yelling that at some point on my unit. May as well go out with a bang.....or a thud.

Nevertheless, I am a bit sad. It was my first real job as a nurse. My stomping grounds. My rite of passage, as they say. I will always have fond, and some very scary, memories of the place. Awww, shucks, here comes the waterworks! :(

The feeling of sadness didn't last long as I layed in bed this morning willing sleep to come. I layed there, numb within my exhausted body, falling in and out of a restless sleep as I always tend to do. As I would fall asleep my body would twitch violently and wake me. I hate that. ARG! I kept having dreams that I was falling off of my porch steps. I hate that also. Annoying. It's all a part of staying up all night like a crack head and forcing your body to slow down and rest. No, I won't miss the night shift at all. It's just not normal and I never felt normal, so bring on the normal and by the way.....what is it? I can't wait to find out.

So many things are happening in my life right now. Things are changing. I am coming into my own I suppose and realizing what I do and don't want out of life. Some tough decisions are going to have to be made, but I feel I'm ready to make them. I have also realized that holding on is often times as difficult as letting go. The future is so uncertain, but there is one thing I know for sure...I want to be happy. I don't know if this new job will fulfill me, or if going in another direction is the right thing to do. All I know, is that the only person in control of my happiness is me. I'm currently in talks with myself over my destiny. I will update you on the negotiations soon. :)

SarcASStic

My Last Night Shift

I took a break last night at work and found myself literally leaning against a garbage can for support. If you know me, then you know I MUST have not been feeling well to attempt something as dangerous as all that! My touching a trash can is equivelant to an arachnaphobic befriending a tarantula. I am a germaphobe. I literally take those high powered, burn your skin strength, hospital manufactured sani-wipes to dissinfect my patients door handles at work (and my shoes). So, to lean against a smelly, funky, bacteria ridden garbage can just to keep myself upright, yea...I must have had a massive hangover. Shoot me, or scrub me until my skin peels off. (Making a mental note to have my coat dry cleaned ASAP).

I was tempted to start an IV on myself and hang a bag of D5W and bolus myself with a good 2000 liters, but I talked myself out of it. Damn it all. Instead I just guzzled about a gallon of water until the fuzziness eventually wore off. I felt as though I was pumping THIS through my veins!

Last night was a little bittersweet, as I'm sure tonight will be as well. I got a lot of "Ohhh, don't leave us", "No one will be as nice to you as we are", "You are going to be missed", and the occasional sad face as someone asked for my help in the ass wiping department. "But it's your last night. Don't you want to share one last bonding moment together?" So lots of butt wiping I did. Purely out of guilt and for nostalgia's sake.

Why do we feel so guilty when we leave a job, even if it makes us miserable? I am trying to better myself and my financial situation, but all I really felt last night was some guilt, mixed with a dash of sadness. I was swimming in doubt soup. It was up to my ears, drowning out my practical thoughts until I wondered...did I make a mistake?

What if I don't make many new friends at my new job? What if days shift craziness is just too much for my mellow yellow demeanor? What if I absolutley hate ortho and despise neuro? Ahhhh! Second thoughts are a bitch. The good thing is that I'm staying on at my hospital PRN, meaning I can go back anytime I want without having to jump through new nurse orientation hoops. Yes, I'd go back to night shift inevitably, if that was my choice, and thinking about that....shudder. No, I believe I'm doing the right thing.

My last night...yea, I'm a little sad, but I'm also excited to be starting a new adventure in my life. This is why I love nursing so. There are hundreds of different opportunities just awaiting you. I figure....why not? Take a risk and if it doesn't work out, well, let's not think about that now alrighty?

Everyone I shared my news with has been excited for me, so that does boost my confidence a little. Many of the nurses at my work told me that I would have been crazy not to jump on the opportunity, and jumping I am. Leaping...throwing myself off a cliff into an unknown abyss. Let's just hope I don't fall flat on my face.

So, to round out this post...I sure am going to miss my girls. :( They have been such a pleasure to work with and to get to know. I think I have made some lifelong friendships, so I'm a little down right now, but tomorrow is a new day...

As I leave work tomorrow morning, I will try very hard not to skip to my car while clicking my heels together with glee. No more night shifts for me!!!!!! Yee Haw! Let's PARTAY! Um, without the alchohol this time. :)

Blech!

Tonight and tomorrow are my last nights of working the night shift....EVER! Well, let's hope forever. Not only am I glad to be leaving night shift, but I am feeling relief to be leaving that place altogether. I have mentioned this to only a handful of people. There are family members that don't yet know I'm getting a new job yet, so please don't mention this on my myspace or facebook. Not that anyone would....just sayin'.

I went out with my girls from work last night for a little going away party thing. Let's put it this way....I feel like crap right now. I don't think I've felt this bad for a very long time. I'm swearing off alchohol and bars for eternity. They're bad. Bad I say! It was fun at the moment, but I'm paying the price now. Ugh. :/

I had to fight with myself not to call in sick, because I am, but then that would just seem like I'm trying to get out of my last nights of work, so I didn't. I hope I can make it through the night. I'm still feeling slightly dizzy and dehydrated. Oy!

Quote of the day: "Just say NO to shots!"

Fume Flashbacks

I'm not feeling too well today. I think it's from inhaling all of those fumes the last few days. Ugh. You know how when you were younger (or older) and you had a bit too much vodka or tequila and even tiniest hint of the smell will make you nauseous? Well, that is how I feel about kerosine....and whiskey, but that's another story entirely. If I never smell kerosine again for the rest of my life I will be ok. Promise.

First Born Survey

It feels good to be back on the net again. I almost forgot how to use it. Wink. Tonight is a night of warmth and leisure, so it's time to catch up on my survey's, courtesy of Drofen. :)

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? If you call the back of a Honda planned. (joke)

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? Um.....no.

3. WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION? Honestly, I cried.....a lot.

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? No.

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 18....way too young.

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? I was geting sick a lot and my mom figured it out before I did. She took me to get a pregnancy test.

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? Well, my mom knew because we had found out from the doctor, then I made another phone call....His response...."cool!" I will never forget that.

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? Sure. I was curious and in love from "your pregnant!"

9. DUE DATE? April 16 and I gave birth on April 16th also. :)

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? Only for the first few weeks, then nothing. It was an easy pregnancy.

11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? Chocolate Ice Cream. That is all I wanted. Couldn't get enough.

12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? The dad. LOL. He had a lot of wild oats to sew at the time, but is now a supportive and somewhat responsible dad. (14 years later).

13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX? A boy. Male, all male....

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? I wanted whatever child was healthy. I didn't care about the sex.

15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? I gained aout 35-40 lbs.....hello miss rolly polly. My mom always said I never looked pregant from behind, but when I turned around....Woah!

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Yes and it was nice, but looking back...I was so young. They must have thought I was a dumbass. I probably was. He he.

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? I knew.

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? None...it was the perfect pregnancy.

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? Where I work now (but not after this Sunday!).

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? Exactly 24 hours.

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? My mom, she was freaking out. I was cool, but nervous.

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? My mom was with me. She drove me nuts.

23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? It was vaginal, calm, no screaming, no tears, I was totally relaxed thanks to Mr. Epidural.

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? I had an epirdural, so I don't remember any pain with him. I am not a screamer. I toughed it out.

25. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 6lbs and 14 ounces.

26. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? April 16, 1994...on his due date. :)

27. WHAT DID YOU NAME HER? Skyler (him)(I found the name in the TV Guide).

28. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY? He is 14 and will be 15 in April....OY!

Let There Be Light!

Finally...our power is back on. I am so relieved!!!!!! Hallelujah! PRAISE THE LORD!

Could It Be?

I see cherry pickers in the hood. 4 of them!!! Stand by for news of the electricity status. It is less than 9 degrees currently and the wind chill is 0. Needless to say it's cold in here. Keep your fingers crossed!

The Big Chill

Quoting Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman..."I'm in the dark here!"

Yep, you guessed it......still no electricity. Word on the street is that it may be Friday before we have power. (f word, f word, f word!)

Our days are spent cruising around town to avoid the cold of the house and to keep boredom at bay. However, the boredom part needs tweeking....still bored out of my skull. FEMA dropped by the neighborhood giving out food rations. I don't know what I was expecting, something like some Men in Black, federal agent type shit, but it was only the national guard dressed in fatigues. Not that that is a bad thing, it just isn't what I expected.

It's weird asking for food, like we're some poor paupers who are virtually homeless and needy. Hey, wait......that is us! Seriously though....all of our food is gone and replacing it may have us in the same situation a few days from now. I don't think it should hurt the federal government too much to help us with free food. Now if they could only provide warmth. Maybe I'll ask a couple of guardsmen over........LOL Joking!!!

I'm listening to Pink Flloyd... "Hey you...out there in the cold..." For a moment I actually thought he was singing to me. No, I'm not smoking mary jane, but it's very possible I'm high on fumes....

We bought a carbon monoxide detector, but I'm not sure it's working because I have had bouts of nausea, fatigue and headaches. The kids deny any of these symptoms, but they're also the same kids who will say they don't have a cold while green snot is running from their noses.

Tomorrow our big plans are to hit up the laundry mat for hours of mindless fluffing and folding and I can't wait! Never in a million years would I have thought I'd look forward to washing clothes, but I'm ready. Let me at it! While I'm talking about laundry mats can I let you in on a secret? When I was young and without a washer and dryer of my very own I use to venture to the local "mat" and wash clothes and I secretly envied the lady who worked there. She spent her day leisurely..... watching soaps, reading magazines, drinking tab and giving people quarters. The bonus was that she always smelled so fresh and so clean. I thought it looked like a fun little job. Yes, I wanted to be a laundry lady and to tell you the truth, it doesn't sound half bad now. Yes, it's official. I must be high.

While being without power in an ice storm I have discovered a few things....

-Ceramic toilet seats are dangerous. Proceed with caution!

-Snow is only fun when you have electricity.

- Candyland was created to bore parents to death

- Cell phones are a lifeline

-Boys stink!

-Hot showers are heavenly, but stepping out of them can be pure hell

-Generators are to winter storms as bikinis are to winter sales

-The men on the radio can become your best friends

-Flames on a stove top are mesmorizing

-Candle wax can make fun and interesting shapes

-Alcohol can make you think you're warm even if your toes are numb

-Never open the refrigerator

-Lady Ga Ga has a really interesting voice. I should know, I hear her every 5 minutes.

-Skyler has a really sharp witt and I'm just now appreciating it

-Soup gets really old

-It's ok to ask for help

-I miss my friends, online and in person

-Little to no sleep makes you have f'ed up dreams

-I'm glad I like my neighbors

-Board games were invented by someone who was really bored.

-Beyonce's Single Ladies song gets on my damn nerves

-I love Jesus because he is always there for me in my time of need

-I wonder what's happening on American Idol

-I am out of my comfort zone and miss my routines

-I never really had a routine

-I don't like feeling dirty (not that I didnt not like that before)

-Gas logs are a waste of money

-I think I love our cat, Toby

-My dog Wrigley is a big baby

-and most importantly.....I love my family even if they annoy the shit out of me.

It's supposed to get in the teens tonight. Oh joy! I'll be so grateful when the big chill is over. Can't wait for summer. I hope all my blog friends are well. Can't wait to be able to read all your blogs soon.

Xoxxoxoxxooxoxoxo

-

Where's the Spa?

So this is getting a lil ridiculous now. This makes one week without power and as I am sitting here, next to my gas stove at 6 am, I can see my neighbors behind me have their lights on. It's frustrating to say the least. I am typing this from my cell phone because I'm bored out of my skull and it's the only available light at the moment. So forgive me if there aren't such things as, ohhhh, paragraphs. Last night at the hotel was the first good night's sleep I have had since this mess began. We made a makeshift bunker between our living room and kitchen to keep the heat concentrated in one area. It's hard to get a good night's sleep on a love seat when there are 5 talking, restless people mulling about.

Oh look, I made a paragraph after all. I figured it out bt my little self. Anyway......so what's up? LOL I feel as though I have been removed from the world and have no sense of what's going on unless it's within my 4 walls. Ugh. I admit it....I'm missing my appliances. Does a computer count as an appliance? Well, I suppose these days it does. I miss doing laundry and I never thought I'd say that. I am missing my bed, however, just to set foot in my ice cold room has me thankful for my small, but semi-warm love seat that I've called home for 7 days.

I'm ready for things to get back to normal! I love my family, but I am sick of them and it's been boys against girls and I'm seriously outnumbered. Grrr. Example....at the hotel Sat. night I had the heat on and my husband turns it off and turns on the ac! Wtf? Did I get any sympathy that I have bee consistently cold for a week? No....I get a bunch of mumbles and grumbles and bitching and the boys teamed up on me, so I layed in bed shivering. And I am rightly sick of him too. It's not only the kids that are making me nuts....

Being married is hard work and I feel like I'm doing all the labor. And while I'm on a roll of venting about how miserable I currently am, let me say that I am sick of empty promises. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Don't just tell me things to get me where you want me, allrighty? Some people never change. Bottom line....I am not feeling very appreciated or taken seriously. I feel like I'm being taken for granted. Sigh.

Well, I don't have much else to say except I'm cold, all our food has spoiled, we are in the dark and I'm aggravated overall at this entire situation. I have tried to remain positve, but my patience is wearing thin. A nice looooong vacation to Hawaii is sounding really good right now........alone.

Day 6: Still No Power

I woke up in the hotel this morning in a dreaming fog. I was under some warm, but slightly scratchy hotel sheets and felt as though I was a hibernating bear. A smile lit my face....I was comfortable. A feeling I haven't felt in what seems like forever. I peeked out the window and noticed for the first time in days that I could see color from the leaves of the evergreens. The ice is melting, it must have warmed up to around 45 degrees, as promised by our local weatherman. Tomorrow they're calling for more snow. Say it ain't so.

Yesterday, as we were fleeing our house, I felt like we were in the movie Amityville Horror, running quickly away from the demons. Except our house wasn't possessed with evil, but with cold. I think the books lie. I think it's freezing in hell. It must be, because I'm in it. Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I keep watching the clock. Check out is at noon. Time is flying by quickly. At noon we are back in the car, back to the house that is a cold mess. Who wants to clean in 30 degree weather? It sucks. I envy those people with generators and with enough money to stay in a hotel for a week's time. We drive by houses and can see their chimney's churning....POWER! They've got the power and we have none. I'm about to start a revolution!

How many more days must we wait? I know we have it better than most. Some have nothing at all and are braving out the cold in their homes with no water and no phone in the country with no neighbors to check in on them. Yes, it could be much worse.

My kids are driving me crazy. I think I might sell them for heat. Any takers? Ha ha. Seriously though.....they are bouncing off the walls and making me nuts. If I hear...when will the power be back on ONE MORE TIME.... Don't make me pull this car over!

Work has been an experience the last few days. People are claiming illness for a warm bed and some cable. Including me, it didn't work. Daggummit! We were forced to stay over one morning because nurses weren't showing up and we had no way to call them. Landline phones are out and most cell service is on and off too. Pushing 9:30am I felt like Gumby. A little rubbery with not much going on upstairs. I remember walking and having to remind myself that I had two feet. It seemed I was dragging them along with me like dead appendages. I was numb and was so grateful when we were allowed to leave. If I had taken care of anyone much longer it would have been a dangerous situation.

I spoke with a doctor on the phone who said he was trapped in his house and to cancel his surgeries. Also, most docs used their cells these days instead of the pager system. Talk about a nightmare. The patients were starting to get a little irritable. Nurses were staying in patient beds because they couldn't go home, and more importantly....wouldn't be able to come back. They were being held hostage. The hospital sent out a message in the newspaper for all available staff to call because they were needed. Call with what Sherlock? THE PHONES AREN'T WORKING! Oy! What a mess.

I'm sitting next to the heater, soaking up all the available hotness. Who knows when I will feel it again. I dread going home and staring at the walls in the cold darkness. I wish life would go back to normal again. WAHHHHHHH!

Friend Update

Short update on my friend. Having no cell service has left me unable to contact my friend regularly, however, I did speak with her the other day and she is recovering. She is in physical therapy now and is up walking and is in somewhat better spirits. Each day is one day's more progress towards her rehabilitation.

Here is an article about Corey, from his band mates, who sadly passed away in the car crash:

http://www.metalunderground.com/news/details.cfm?newsid=41817

This is so sad for everyone involved. So many lives have been forever changed.

R.I.P

Frozen Solid

I am currently sitting in a hotel room waiting for the ice to melt over the entire state of Kentucky. We have been without for 5 days now. Our house is cold, like freezing cold. I worked last night and came home, dreading to walk from the cold car, through the cold snow, into the cold house that awaited me. The kids were curled up under cold blankets sleeping soundly. I decided to take advantage of the only warmth available...a hot steaming bath. It felt like heaven, but there was a problem......being brave enough to get out. I tried several times, then got back in several times. This went on for 40 minutes until I got up the courage to step into the 30 degree chill of my cold tiled bathroom. It was excruciating.

18,000 people in my town are still without power and over 650,000 in the entire state. Some don't even have water, much less HOT water. A mess such as this screws up everything. Cell phone service has been down for days and is only available in patches. Off and on. I can barely get in touch with family and friends to see how they're faring. The mail isn't running either. Most businesses are without power, which makes for even more problems. Wal-Mart is without bread. Is the world coming to an end? People are getting carbon monoxide poisoning because they aren't venting their houses from the fumes of kerosene heaters and generators. Speaking of.....remind me when I hit the lotto to invest in a generator! Apparently they are made of gold as expensive as they are. Not to mention, it's hard to even get your hands on one. Gasoline is scarce. Kerosine is even more scarce. President Obama has declared a state of emergency and FEMA is said to be coming any day now....still waiting. We had some emergency management person come to our door to see if everyone inside was ok. NO, we aren't ok! We're cold, hungry and in need of a major heat wave. Further more, stop selling those damn generators and just loan us one, mkay? Is this the fucking twilight zone or what?

This is horrible. Power came on all around our neighborhood yesterday and there is one section of our street without power....ours. No word on when it will be back on. From the looks of things.....NEVER. Tree limbs are down everywhere, over power lines, houses, streets. I've never seen anything like it. At night, when you walk outside in the pitch black darkness you can hear the creaking of limbs and the crack as they fall around you. The trees are crumbling, it's creepy. Everything is virtually frozen solid and covered in ice. Crews of utility workers have come in from the south to aid us, but I've yet to see any of them, aside from at the buffet. Speaking of buffet restaurants....is that where all the freaks hang out, or is it just me? I think I saw a she-man there today, with a bear who had paws the size of saucers and a mouth to match. Save some food for the rest of us buddy. This is a natural disaster. Don't eat up all the reserves!


We are having to use bill money for a hotel room. I couldn't take it anymore. Once I saw my son's blue lips I decided it was time to pack up and leave, if only for one comfortable night in a warm room with a warm bed. It's the best 100 dollars I've ever spent. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. We are running low on funds and I can't imagine what those who have no money are doing. This is really a nightmare. We are lucky to have even gotten a hotel in town. People are behaving like crazy savages. Well, not completely savages, but close enough that they'll shove you out of the way to get to the hot, fresh donuts! Move over lady, those long john's are MINE!!!!! I feel like I'm in the ice age and I'm a cave woman. Roar.

They're calling this the "Katrina of Kentucky". Well, I hope not, because we all saw how well that relief effort went. Where's my trailor?

I hope everyone is safe and warm tonight. I'm attempting to thaw out, if only for one blissful day.

Ripple

Deep breath..........

I spoke with my friend today. It was the most pitiful sounding voice I've ever heard. My arms ached just to hold and comfort her, but I knew that even if I could it wouldn't rid her of any pain she is feeling. I am just grateful I got to hear her voice and to tell her how much I love her. I hope she knows that.

She was so weak and is in undeniable pain both physically and emotionally. My heart broke at the sound of her voice. She told me what she remembered of the accident and I just don't think I can talk about the details, but today, she remembered and was told the whole truth.

Her story tore my heart out. She remembers willing him to wake up and he wouldn't. She just sounded so awful that I'm really, really worried about her emotional well-being. I could barely hear her through her quiet voice and tears. All she does is lay in bed, in pain thinking of that horrible night. My God, how will she cope? She blames herself and nothing I could say would change that. I really had no words. I was rendered speechless and tried my best just to listen.

A family member told me the extent of her injuries and it's worse that what I was initially told. She has 6 fractured ribs. Her arm is broken in several places. Her back is broken from T-7 to L-2. Her liver was lacerated and she has multiple neck fractures that I think the docs are saying may heal on their own, I'm not certain. Tomorrow she will have surgery on her arm. When I was told all of this, I was speechless again. It's a miracle she's alive.

Between my son, my sister in law and my best friend, I just don't think I can take anymore bad news. My empathetic heart just can't handle it all.

Hopefully I can visit her this week, she lives 3 hours away and some winter storms are coming. I really just need to be there and being unable to is torture. And I hope I'm not violating any HIPAA laws considering this is not my patient, but my friend. I don't know.

Thank you all for listening to me and leaving messages. I know you don't know her, but she is my very best friend in the world, the only person that has ever been there for me through everything. If you can...please say a prayer for stength and healing. She really needs it. I guess everyone does right now it seems. There are so many people affected by this one tragedy. The pain keeps going and going...

:-(

I spoke with my best friend yesterday and she was telling me about a budding new romance she was developing. She said he was the male version of me and that she couldn't wait for me to meet him. She told him about how much I love photography and told him to visit my myspace page and check out my photos. He "friend requested" me and I accepted. He commented on a couple of photos and I thanked him. Judging by his photos and profile, I could tell he was a very free spirit and a kind soul. I felt excited for her and could hear her light up just talking about him.

She asked me to visit her and to go out last night to meet him, but I told her I couldn't because today was Aidan's birthday....

Today I was given word that she had been in a horrible car accident last night.

There were three of them, they had been drinking.... The driver, a friend of hers, ran into a guard rail seriously injuring her and killing her new love interest.............................. he has two small children. (tears)

The driver was taken to jail and is charged with vehicular manslaughter.

Her back is broken in a few places and her arm, but so far the news is optimistic. She is badly banged up, but signs show that she will be able to walk. Relief at this news has flooded over me accompanied by sadness, shock and grief.

My friend has no idea that her friend is in jail, nor that her new sweetheart is now gone forever. They are waiting to tell her....she is in and out of conciousness and has no memory of the accident. They are going to tell her tomorrow. May God give her strength...


My heart is simply breaking for her right now. Words aren't enough. I can't imagine how she is going to feel when the truth is revealed. This is a nightmare come true. The thought of all of this has my mind reeling and makes me want to puke. I cannot sleep.

So many lives changed, so many destroyed in the blink of an eye. His myspace is still up, but he is no longer there. He's just.....gone. I can't wrap my head around the enormity of it. I feel so very sad for her and extremely concerned. I pray for his son and daughter and that my friend can cope with this tragic news.

Never drink and drive.

Revealing...

Check out this video for an amazing documentary on Barack Obama's life from CNN. It's truly FASCINATING! I'm even more in awe then I was before.

25 Random Facts About Me:

I'm taking this from facebook and want to hear 25 random facts about you too, so repost!

1) My husband and I spent our honeymoon at a Dude Ranch (by accident) in a barn above the horses and slept in bunkbeds made of timber. We sat around a campfire at night while the ranch owner sang folk songs. It was NOT romantic. It was comical and we laughed quietly at night at how silly we felt.

2) I can tell a lot about a person by what kind of music they listen to.

3) I have an addiction to sunflower seeds.

4) I always hated school. I never thought I'd go to college, much less graduate with a degree.

5) I think people underestimate me. I don't often reveal the more serious side of myself in person.

6) I think too damn much.

7) I've been married for 6 years, yet find out something new about my husband every day. He's a mystery still.

8) I have watched Oprah since I was in my early teens. I use to look forward to getting off the school bus and turning on her show at 4 o'clock. Maybe I was a loser?

9) I skipped school as a senior to see the Grateful Dead. It was one of the most life changing experiences I've ever had.

10) I have a slight obsession with Barack Obama. I you tube his speeches atleast once a day for inspiration.

11) I sometimes wonder what kind of a mother I am to my kids, then they do something completely moral and thoughtful of their own volition and I know.

12) I believe in soul mates.

13) My husband and I have had every obstacle thrown our way during the course of our marriage, yet here we are, still going along.....

14) I sometimes question organized religion.

15) I have the most awesome, groovy, funny, kind-hearted, thoughtful and conscientious friends in the whole WORLD!

16) My son, Aidan, will be 6 years old today. I feel incredibly blessed and grateful. :-)

17) I think I have aged 10 years in body and mind over the past 3 years, but am fighting to keep my spirit young and free.

18) I love being in my early 30's and gaining the wisdom that I have gained thus far.

19) I love to read. I'm a nerd.

20) I truly think if you believe in yourself, that anything is possible.

21) I hated nursing school. It SUCKED, but I sometimes miss it.

22) I don't take myself too seriously and I laugh at myself a lot.

23) I have really messed up dreams. (as you saw in my previous post...lol)

24) I'd rather stay home than go out.

25) I love photography with all my heart and soul!

I Had a Dream...

.....the other night that I was Brad Pitt's daughter. A much older daughter, but his kid nontheless. This dream is sure to bring the LOL's. As in real life, my "dad" Brad was always jet setting around the globe and I rarely saw him. For some reason I was the caretaker of his brood of kids while he was away. When he was home he was always polite and father like. Yes, in my dream he was with Angelina, but she was his wife ie...my step-mother. She was always elusive, never to be seen, like a ghost. I remember in my dream wondering why she always hid in the huge mansion we all lived in. I never saw her and I was getting really pissed that she snuck away from me as if I was a paprazzi or something. I got the sense she was jealous of our father-daughter relationship. Neither of them ever addressed that they were home, we were told by the "staff" of the house and they hinted that we shouldn't disturb them. Pffft!

I was really annoyed, I mean SUPER annoyed that we were all just things they collected, like chachkis from their worly travels then they took us in public and flaunted us like cattle. I was in a rage like Joan Crawford's daughter. I'd had enough! I marched myself up to their bedroom door and flung it open. There they were laying in bed (as I always imagined them to be), the both of them obviously naked with the sheets pulled up to their chins. He addressed me, formally, as if I was a trained dog. "Come here dear. Let me have a look at you." I looked at her as she lay under the covers aloof, smoking a cigarette with an annoyed look upon her gorgeous face. I think I hated her in my dream for taking my dad away, maybe I had some Jennifer Aniston syndrome thing, I dunno. (LOL)

It was obvious they just had sex and that just fueled me even more. How dare she take our father away! BITCH! For some reason he gets up to take a shower, he slips from the covers completely naked (weird) and saunters away. I watch as he goes and admire his beautiful body. (doubly weird considering he's supposed to be my dad!) I confront her. "Why don't you show your face around here you wicked woman? I know what you're trying to do!" She is completely calm, still smoking, looking at me as if I'm some fly that landed on her food. She tells me he is hers and I can never take him from her. My thoughts are that she has him totally whipped, snowed into thinking she's this lovely woman when all I saw was a deadly black widow waiting to strike her prey. I told her she had him bewitched and that she was evil! (LMAO)

She is unaffected and ignores me completely. He comes out of the shower, water sparkling on his skin (yes, I noticed this...incestuous?!!!). He calls me his darling, patronizes my "silliness" and jealousy, and proceeds to kiss me full on...on the mouth! Of course I kiss him back, dad or not, this is Brad Pitt after all! She doesn't seem to mind. I'm not surprised, the slut! (LOL) After my pops and I are finished making out, I walked away hypnotized then I was pulled from my bizarre dream by an alarm clock. ARG!

I will never like Angelina again after that dream. Screw her and all her beauty....she stole my dad from us kids! LOL

Any dream interpreters out there who would like to psycho analyze me....feel free.

NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Out Into The Cosmic Void

I'm feeling pretty bad for a friend of mine today. I really wish I could talk to them to tell them so...however, I do not know how. It's very frustrating. If in some far off chance that you can read this, know that you are very much on my mind and I'll be waiting to hear from you again someday...

I hope this finds you well and at peace in your life.

*hugs*

Photo Tag

It's game time! I am participating in the blogging game of tag. Post the 4th photo in your photo file and tell the story about it...well, this is the 4th photo in my 4th photo folder. How 'bout that?

This is my twins, Christian & Colton and of course, Aidan on the twins 12th birthday last year. We spent the day at a local amusement park and this photo was taken outside of a Mexican restaurant after their birthday dinner. Pretty straight forward. :)

A New Chapter

I was given a small summary of my work performance from my boss the other day. She, and apparently my co-workers, said that I am a bubbly, happy and an optimistic person to work with. Really?! LOL Funny how I don't see that in myself. What I mean to say is, I know I am usually a happy person at work, even though I often dislike it, but the optomistic part threw me. This isn't the first time I've heard this from people. Funny, how we percieve ourselves differently from how others see us. If that's the case I'm glad. I'm sure this is because they don't read my blog. LOL

It's official. I have a start date for my new job. February 23rd. No turning back now. I am nervous, but also very "optimistic" that it's a good decision for me. Working days will certainly be an adjustment, but a good one. Maybe I will start to feel "normal" again. I'm a little concerned of learning the 3 units at a new hospital. I will onyl have 3 days orientation on each floor before I'm on my own. My confidence is a little shaky, but I'm going to try not to be too hard on myself. This is new for me...I never make big decisions like this on a whim. I figure....I will not know unless I try, right?

I work Monday night, so I suppose I will have to put my armor on when I tell my boss I'll be leaving. I'd like to stay on at my unit prn, so that if I ever do choose to come back I won't have to go through the monotony of re-orienting and etcetera. I secretly told a co-worker friend my plans and she didn't seem to thrilled. I got a lot of "I don't know...Are you sure you want to drive that far?...Aren't you worried about floating?....Day shift is much harder...." Blah blah blah. After talking to her a while I realized she just doesn't want me to leave her there alone. She also divulged she's a tad jealous. She is having to stay there because she's under contract. I feel for her and will miss her a lot. I've made so many new friends and I know keeping in touch will be more difficult once I'm gone. I'm a little sad.

Anyway, I'm rambling now. I have a lot of thoughts at the moment. Here's to taking chances! Cheers!

Eeeeeeeek!

Oh my gosh!!!!! I have just made a decision that is going to change my life either big or small, I don't know yet. I have mentioned on here about how I got a job offer and I kept putting it off. I got a call today saying if I didn't accept then they were going to offer it to someone else. Well, guess what? I did! I'm so scared right now. I hope I made the right decision. Here are the stats...

~it's day shift (hallelujah!)
~I make my own schedule...however many hours I want or don't want. PRN.
~no holidays
~bank money (and NO I'm not bragging, but the money is insane! Over ten more dollars on the hour than what I'm making now.)
~state of the art, brand new hospital
~I'll be floating from med-sug, neuro and ortho
~no politics when floating
~the only negative....the hospital is about 45 minues away...and if traffic is good it's about 35 minutes.

I applied for it many moons ago and they called me out of the blue on Christmas Eve offering. I wonder if it was some sort of devine intervention. What do you guys think about it? I'm of course second guessing it, however....I think it will be good for me. Here are the reasons for my decision. I need more money...who doesn't? I hate night shift and it will allow me to make plenty and still only work 2 days a week. If I can make my own schedule, then I can work Mon, Tues and schedule to work Thurs, Fri the next week, which basically gives me a week or more off in between. You can't really beat that. Anyhow, I need feedback! I'm excited, but also incredibly nervous.

Cancer Unedited

My sister in law, who is 33 years old, was diagnosed with hodgkin's lymphoma around the time Aidan was diagnosed with leukemia. She beat the cancer and we have since learned that she has relapsed and is in stage 3. She has a husband and two small children...

Agressive chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant are going to be started soon and we have been told it will not be easy for her. Words cannot express how very bad I feel for her and her family. I don't even know what to say. It just doesn't make sense. :-(

Being so closely connected to cancer and illness every day tends to shake my faith a little, I can't lie. I praise God for the miracle he has performed in our life...leading Aidan's body into remission, but what of the others?

Sometimes I want to get out of nursing all together because the realities of death and dying is just to much for me. I deal with this a little too intimately in my personal life and and then I leave home and go to the hospital where there is more illness...it doesn't feel really good for my emotional well being and my psyche. I can't help but become a little depressed at all this illness and bullshit cancer that's everywhere I turn. The patient I cared for the other day died two hours after I left (see previous post). I saw her obituary while I was having my morning coffee. It made me want to puke. It didn't even look like her, as I knew her, lying in the bed, bald, frail, gaunt and lifeless. Cancer sucked the life right out of her.

As I'm typing this I'm getting less sad and becoming more angry! UGH! I just want to f'ing scream....WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not only that but I am so paranoid now. Being a nurse I know what cancer does to people. It's a sneaky, silent killer. I know how randomly it chooses this person and that one. I have seen first hand little children with bald heads, face masks, dark circles, but bright innocent smiles. It's enough to take your heart out and rip it through your chest with excrutiating pain and agony. I will never forget some of the things my child has been through and things I have seen and felt. It is a very dark place, a place no one ever wants to be in. You feel so powerless and feeling that you can do nothing, well...it just SUCKS! I just don't get it and frankly I'm more than tired of CANCER. I want to give a double bird salute in cancer's ugly face and yell a big ole FUCK YOU!

I apologize for all the expletives but I am pissed off! Millions and trillions of dollars in research and this beast still can't be tamed in many cases??? Thank God and all that is holy that as much has been done thus far, but we are still so far from a cure. Sigh. I wish my recent posts were more uplifting, but it's really hard for me to fake my happiness right now. In a few minutes I will be ok, but I just wanted to get this out.

My son will be turning 6 this Saturday. I thank God for letting us have another year in remission and another year closer to this being over and I pray that it goes away and NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER comes back to haunt his life or our lives again. I also pray that My SIL beats this monster again and is able to watch her children grow. Sigh. Please say some prayers.
















Remission Rocks!

Hail to the Chief!

Ok...I'm back. I'll admit, I only got as far as the old president leaving in the helicopter and flying over D.C one last time...sianara. THEN I fell asleep because I had worked the night before and was exhausted.

I did think it a little funny that the new prez escorts the old prez out of the white house. In essence... kicking him out. This is my house now fool! Bwa ha ha ha! There were literally trucks hiding in the back waiting to move the Bush's things out and put the Obama's things in. It must be kind of awkward. It's kind of like someone moving in on your wife and all you can do is hand them her suitcases. "Take care of the old broad. I really f'ed her up, but maybe you can fix her." I wondered what Bush was thinking in his head. "Welp, that was fun!" "No more Air Force One peanuts....aww shucks." "Can I atleast visit Camp David for Spring Break?" "Can't I blow up one more thing before I go?" "Oooooh, look at the pretty birds!"

I also thought of what the Obama's may be thinking as they stood there and watched him board. "Wave and look humble. Try not to smile too big now." "Hurry up and get on the damn thing already...it's freezing!" "OMG this is our house now. OMG I am the leader of the free nation. I am the President of the United States!" "WOO HOO! Let's go run around naked in Lincoln's bedroom!" Hell, if I was in the White House, that's what I would do. It would feel so "liberating." ;)

When Joe Biden took his oath I couldn't help but think.....is that it? It took less than 20 seconds. Alrighty. My wedding vows lasted longer than that and he's vowing to protect all of the United States of America. Damn, I got screwed!

Barack, A-hem, Mr. President, looked a bit nervous as he walked down the long hallway to greet everyone. I kind of felt bad for him, all of these expectations and dreams are resting on his shoulders...whew. When he took his oath he tripped up a little, can you blame him? I couldn't even get out "love, honor and obey" without laughing a little hysterically. (Yea, I did that.) I just hope it doesn't stick with him forever. All of the build up for that moment and he flubs his words. It just proves once again how human he is. :) It was very symobolic that he took his oath of president on Lincoln's bible. I can't imagine the pride he and his family must have felt in that moment. I know I felt proud.

However minutely he stumbled in his oath, I thought inaugural address was amazing and perfect for the times. The man has a way with words. He was telling America that the fight isn't his own, but it is all of our responsabilities. It was eloquent and powerful, such as he. Can you expect anything less? He's speaks and carries his self so well. It is a speech I will never forget. I love listening to him. I think he has a very magnetic energy and prescence. I can't imagine what it would be like to be around him. He seems so charismatic. :) Preach!

Little Malia and Sasha looked so cute. I bet they are very proud of their daddy. I wonder how their lives will changes living in the White House. Michelle was as graceful as always. She is a strong woman and will be an excellent 1st lady. I'm getting a little carried away...I'm just so darned happy today. It feels like there is some room to breathe now. I have DVR'd all the rest of the festivities and can't wait to sit down and watch.

If I was Barack I'd make some sweet lovin' to Michelle tonight in the oval office, but first...I'd have a priest come and bless the house and get rid all the bad ju ju. Ha! I'd get the biggest bottle of febreeze known to man and go to town. Out damn spot!

Peace & Love,

And History Has Been Made....

I took a personal day (paid) from work today(tonight) so that I could watch the Inaugeration today for Barack Obama. I am so excited. Check back later to hear my thoughts on the day. :) My first impression....Barack looks a little nervous. He has a mighty burden on his shoulders. God bless him and us all.

Lesson of the Day

Sometimes you feel like a fool. I've felt this way recently. I have sat with myself and pondered this over and over and still the question remains. Maybe it was all my imagination. I don't know, and doubt I ever will. I have no choice but to let it go. I'll release my questions into the void and hope that each day is one day further from this vulnerable uncertainty.

Hello Auckland!

Whoever my regular visitor friend is in New Zealand, please pop in and say hello. I'd love to know who you are. :)

20 Things Every New Nurse Needs to Know

1) Be patient. Whether you start out in ICU, Med-Surg or Psych, understanding your unit and the complexities of nursing only comes with time. Don't feel like a dummy if you don't imediately know everything. More than likely you won't and that's ok.

2) Give yourself a good year before bailing. It takes a lot of time to get into the swing of things and to really feel like a nurse. Our instructors always told us to give ourselves a year. I didn't believe them. They were right.

3)Ask questions. Don't ever assume anything. Assumption can only lead to mistakes and you can't make mistakes with people's lives. Ask. Ask. Ask and ask again.

4)Learn your unit. This is so simple, but I cannot tell you how many times I have had to ask where certain paperwork or supplies are. Take mental inventory of your environment. Not only will this save you time, but it gives you a lot more independance.

5) Get organized. Oy.....organization. I cannot tell you how many times I have gone into a patients room to remove and IV and forgotten the gauze and tape. This leads to trampsing all the way back to the supply cart which is usually in the farthest location from where you are. The majority of my night is spent running up and down the halls for things I need. This is something you learn with time as well.

6)Buy comfortable shoes! I cannot stress this enough. If you are going to be doing bedside nursing you will be running your arse off and doing that with aching feet is excrutiating. I wear Nursmates and I can honestly tell you that my feet have never hurt......EVER! This doesn't mean that they aren't tired and that my legs don't sometimes just ache down to the marrow, but my feet never hurt. I wear this pair and as a testament to these shoes I will tell you that I bought them my last semester of nursing school and they still feel great. That's a lot of mileage for a pair of shoes.



7)Buy a good stethescope! Oh, the stethescope debate. I have bought 4 steths since starting nursing school. The first one I bought because it was cheaper. The other two because I upgraded and wanted two diff colors (girly, I know) and the third because I realized the the last two reasons were completely shallow and ridiculous. Yes, I have 4 all together, if you did the math. My last, and most favorite steth is my Littman Cardiology III stethescope.
The Littman brand is the cadillac of stethescopes and you WILL get your money's worth out of this. The acoustics are amazing. I can actually hear the blood filling and pumping through the chambers and if you aren't great with breath sounds, such as myself, then you'll become a breath sound expert with this. I have doctors request my steth when I'm on the floor because they can hear the best with it. Invest! Oh, and get a good name tag or have it engraved because people will STEAL! Shameless, I know. I ordered mind in plum and I love it.

8)Don't beat yourself up. You are going to make mistakes, you're new at this and nursing school only gives you a small perspective on what to expect. I can't tell you how many times I went home crying because I felt like a failure. You will feel this way too, prepare yourself. And if there ever comes a time when you feel like you know everything...stay away from me and my family. No one knows everything and it's scary if you think you do.

9)Always work as a team. Nursing is about teamwork, not about who can run the quickest code, who can chart the fastest or who has the most knowledge. There is no "I" in team folks. :)

10)Spend your first paycheck on yourself and no one else. You freaking earned that much, at least. You will work your ass off to become a nurse, endulge a little and enjoy your new earnings.

11)Leave work at work. Once you hand over your assignment, do your best to let it go. You can't control everything and just like you shouldn't bring your personal life to work, it can be just as damaging to bring your work life home. Move on and let the day go.

12)Be proud! Nursing is a highly trained & skilled profession. You are a professional and carry a license, just like a physician. You are trained in anatomy, physiology, disease processes, pharmacology, assessment, critical thinking and judgement and much more. You are programmed to be a nurse and even if you don't feel like one sometimes, you are one. I am very proud that I am a nurse. I know I complain a lot, but at the end of the day, I feel good that I was able to change someone's life, if only in a small way and sometimes in a large way. It's very gratifying. Not only that, but you will learn that doctors often times respect your professional opinion, so don't be scared to offer up some of your knowledge and advice. I have done this many times and it, surprisingly works to my patients benefit.

13)Trust your Instincts! You are trained to think critically and to trust your judgement. Nursing is a very independant career and sometimes you have to make decisions based on your knowledge alone. If you feel something isn't right, don't ignore it, do something! More than not you are right. It's better to be safe than sorry.

14)Have Integrity. Please, please don't ever do anything shady. If you give a wrong med....say so. If your patient falls...report it. If you see someone do something unethical...tell someone. Your license is on the line and your patients life is much more important than you getting disciplined. I gave a pt the wrong dose of medication once. My conscience ate away at me and I reported it. Do the right thing. PLEASE!

15)Don't take it personal. You will start working with seasoned and possibly older nurses who learned things differently than you. They will grill you at report sometimes and make you feel small. Try not to take it too personally. Your both there for the same reason...the patient's best interests. Also, don't let them inimidate you. They will try....beleive me. There are many ways to do things and their way isn't always the best or "right" way, but be open to their suggestions too and remember....they know more than you. Be respectful, even if you drive home cursing their name. LOL

16)Never lift or move someone without help! If you break your back you are out of a job and your family will suffer and guess what...the hospital could care less. Welcome to the real world. Unless someone is in major distress, there is always time to grab someone to help you lift and pull. Many times orderlies are assigned and on call in the hospital just for that reason alone. Use them. It's their job.

17)Chart everything. If a patient has an emesis...chart it. If they walk the halls...chart it. If they pull out the IV...chart it. If they refuse medications....chart it. Cover your ass...always.

18)Always rmember to prioritize. This can be very tricky at times. If you have a pt calling for pain meds and you have one calling because they can't brethe...who will you see first? The answer is obvious. Pain never killed anyone, but not being able to breathe can. Yes, the pt who's addicted to the dilaudid you've been pushing may complain about you, but the one who was possibly dying will remember your efforts forever...hopefully.

19)Double check everything. Remember your 5 rights. Right Medication, Right patient, Right time, Right dose and the right route. Check their arm band. Have them state their name and DOB. Make sure it's the right med, correct dose and right time. And please, please make certain that you aren't sticking something in their IV that the doc wants IM. I've done this...arg. The patient loved it....lol.....but I felt like a dumbass. (Rule of thumb....IM meds last longer because it's in the muscle, IV is a quick fix with a shorter duration...straight to the bloodstream, PO meds take longer to absorb, but last longer too).

20)Believe in yourself. You know this stuff. Believe in yourself and don't doubt your abilities. It's all there, give it time to sink in and never become complacent. There is always something to learn, so take advantage of it. If a new skill comes up...ask the nurse if you can watch or if you cn perform it under his/her supervision. The best way to learn is to do it. Yes, it can be daunting and overwhelming, but unless you jump in and get your hands dirty you won't learn and don't you want to be the best nurse you can be? I remember blood administration was such a difficult skill for me because there is so much involved, but after a few times doing it, I don't need help anymore and that feels good.

Being a nurse is so rewarding. I love seeing new grads come into the field and having them ask me questions always takes me aback. What startles me more, is that I can answer a lot of their questions and it feels good. I'm still learning. Everyday I learn something new and I love it. I love seeing all the male nurses enter the field too. They are just as competent and caring as us women are and they always come in handy when moving a large patient too. Ha ha.

I hope you can get something from these tips, they are from my experiences alone and what I have learned most, is that I still have so much yet to learn.

Assholes Need Lovin' Too

Wow. I'm tired. I had a busy past couple of days at work, but am off for the weekend and am soooooooooooooo glad.

I had a pt almost die on me this morning. She was a DNR who had cervical cancer that had metastisized to her brain. I went in to check on her and she was ice cold. Her temp was 93 degrees. The BP machine said her BP was 68/30. I couldn't get a manual pressure on her arm or leg. I held her hand and she squeezed it, but she was slipping away and all I could do was watch. She was lethargic, but peaceful. This all happened at shift change. I didn't want to leave her, but I had to. She's probably gone by now. I am very sad about this.


On a much lighter note...


I had a pt who's middle name was Asshole. Yes, you read that right. Asshole. Not Ashole, not Asshoel, but ASSHOLE. This is not a joke. The ironic part....he didn't have one anymore because they had to sew his closed. Asshole also tried hitting on me. He was a young guy, about my age and kept trying to pick me up! Asshole followed me around during the night and watched me work. Everytime he walked past me, Asshole would tell me to smile. When I was helping him change his illeostomy bag Asshole let go of a lot of gas. He was extremely embarassed but I ensured Asshole that we deal with Assholes all the time. I felt sorry for Asshole. He must be kind of lonely and probably gets rejected when he tells his potential dates that he has no exit anymore. Poor Asshole. He's just lucky his last name isn't Brown.

When Words Become Superfluous...

I have nothing to say today.

Quote of the Day

"It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy; it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others."

~Jane Austen

Poll!

I don't care much for winter, it's entirely too bleek for my dismal mood right now. LOL SOoooooooo....I'm contemplating going back blonde, you know because it's more sunny and maybe it will help me feel a little more cheerful and shit. What do you think? Blonde or brunette? This is a major life changing decision(lol), so choose wisely because the future of my hair depends on my handful of blogger friends.

Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah Boo, Boo!

I had a text conversation with someone this evening who pretended to be someone else. Yes, this really happened. I didn't buy it, but it was a nice try nontheless. I am quite preturbed at present. What is this....grade school? I didn't like tag, I didn't care much for pin the tail on the donkey and I certainly don't like this stupid game either.

Devil In A Black Dress

Edit: This is Ann Coulter: The Devil Herself.

Yes, you can thank me for the beautiful artwork.

Sigh

Day shift was super busy, but it was nice to feel like a normal person, working normal hours again. I enjoyed it, surprisingly. It's much different than nights in that you have a gazillion more doctors orders, transfers, admissions and discharges. Also there are a bunch of random people floating around your unit such as case workers, PT, OT etc and everytime I'd turn around they would steal my seat. :/ I played musical chairs for 12 hours. Can we say ANNOYING?! It was a little too chaotic for me. It can get overwhelming, but I held my own and that was really good for my ego. Wink.

It's been nice being so busy over the last few days because it has kept my mind off of things and right now that is good for me. However, as soon as I leave and am in the quiet of my car, my feelings crop up leaving me feeling blue again. I'm guess I'm just down lately. I don't feel like talking to anyone, or really even being talked to. (In person, that is) I'd be perfectly ok to hide under my covers for a few days and not see anyone, save my children of course. Sigh. Sound depressing? I don't feel depressed, or near that, what I'm feeling is sadness mixed with some anger. Anyway, those are my feelings currently, so forgive me if I'm not especially peppy and bright. I feel like the sun has dimmed lately and I'm standing in the rain.

What's the old saying....every cloud has a silver lining? Pfft.

.....thanks for listening.

Lollipop, Must Mistake Me As A Sucka...

I got low census last night, then they called my back 30 minutes later and asked if I would work days today since I didn't have to work last night. They tricked me and I'm a sucker so I said yes. Don't be like me kids...just say NO!

I didn't watch the Golden Globes last night, but I saw where Kate Winslett won best actress for Revolutionary Road and she also won for best supporting actress in The Reader. She really did deserve that Globe for RR and I'm glad for her. She has yet to win an Academy Award, maybe this is her year.

Anyhow, I'm off to see the wizard. Have a lovely day. :)

Private Moments

I had a nice night at work last night. It was relatively quiet, save one person. Poor lady. Poor, poor lady. I just feel so bad for her. Old trach pt, DNR, no appliance....breathes through her stoma, and not very well mind you. She just couldn't get comfortable no matter what I did. I rubbed her back, washed her face, massaged her legs...I offered every comfort measure to make her feel better and nothing worked. She didn't sleep all night and I just down right feel sorry for her. :(

Another one of my pt's was told he is dying and only has weeks left to live. He's 53 years old. Cancer. The family all pretty much lost it and the only face they saw was mine. I just didn't know what to say. I felt so inadequate at that moment. I felt like such a crappy nurse beacuse I wanted to cry right along with them, but knew I couldn't. I offered silence and let them cry to me, talk to me and ask me what questions I could answer. It was very sad and hard to go about my night with a happy demeanor after that, but I had to. I left the room, headed straight for the bathroom and let the tears flow. It was a release. No matter how much death and illness you're around, it's never easy when faced with something like this. Every time I went into his room I had to put my smile on and just give the best care I could amongst such sadness. He smiled the sweetest smiles at me. His eyes are so expressive and kind. I returned the smiles and genuinely felt a bond with him. He seems like such a gentle man and he is very loved. He and his wife have been married 25 years and have several children. One of his children is serving our country in Iraq and it was my job to contact the Red Cross to try and get him home. I succeeded and he is now on his way home to see his father. It just isn't fair. It's just not.

As I drove home from work I said a prayer for him and his family. There realy are no words for something like this. I hope that in some small, miniscule, tiny way I made him feel better if only for a minute. A Sham-Wow commercial came on while I was giving him care and I made a few jokes about it and he laughed. He must be very strong to laugh and smile at such a time. Perhaps he is doing it for his wife. Sigh. God bless them. :(

This job can be very depressing. Sometimes there is really nothing you can do to help someone, you just do the best you can and try to leave work at work, but occasionally it's impossible. I have been very touched by my patients these past couple of days and sometimes you don't only help them, but they help you as well. A kind smile, a genuine thank you, gratitude for what you're doing...it's endearing and can stick with you throughout your day. I was feeling pretty low and these people who know nothing about me made me feel better just by being able to be there for them in some of their most private moments. My problems seem so small. I am certainly humbled and very touched.


"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."
- Abraham Lincoln

My Heart Hurts

I've been having chest pain over the past few days. It's intermittent, but quite often. In my curiosity over this ambiguous angina, I decided to do a little self diagnosing at work last night so I hooked myself up to the heart monitor. Yes I did....hooked up all my leads and everything, but it was a little tricky considering I couldn't look at myself to know which lead goes on the right or left, but I figured it out. Just one of the perks of being a nurse at a hospital...getting to use the equipment! I watched as the rhythm of my heart spead across the screen. Lub, Dub. Lub, Dub. I was a tad tachy...119, but I did just have a Mountain Dew, so I wasn't too worried there.

I looked for the familiar wave patterns. My Q,R,S was not wide, which is a good sign, and I saw all the P waves and T waves in their proper location. It looked like Normal Sinus Rhythm to me...so why all this chest pain? Why does my heart give me so much pain lately?

Either the monitor was broken or it's just my heart. Well, that settles it! It's just plain broke. I have a broken heart.....I didn't need a monitor to tell me that.

Revolutionary Road

I have to work all weekend and I am not looking forward to it at all. I am already tired and the thought of pulling an all nighter tonight makes me sick. I am already in a bad mood, this does not help.

I watched Revolutionary Road recently starring Kate Winslett and Leo Dicaprio and wanted to give my little review. First of all, this movie is heavy and intense. It shows an intimate look behind the walls of a regular American family and into their private lives. The very beginning of the movie shows the married couple in a very heated argument and it sets the tone for the rest of the movie and it's certainly not a happy one. Sometimes it seemed so real I wanted to cringe because...er..it kind of felt like my life in a way. At times it felt uncomfortable watching it because it really does seem as though you're a fly on the wall watching this couple's most intimate and real moments. The acting is amazing! Sometimes I actually forgot it was Leonardo I was watching, even though he played an average joe he really owned that part and gave the character three dimensions. It was a stellar performance, maybe the best I've ever seen from him, or from anyone for a VERY long time. Chills. Kate's performance was also incredible and believable and she's just so pretty to look at and her face is so expressive. I am so impressed by her. She's one of my favorite actresses.

I'm not sure you'll really walk away talking about how awesome the movie is because it's depressing and dark and heavy and...woah! It's just so dramatic. With that being said...it's a great movie. Does that make sense? Same Mendes directed the movie, as well as American Beauty so you can get a sense of his directing and his take on complex characters. Things aren't always what they seem behind the picket fence and they certainly aren't in this movie. I recommend this to anyone who likes an emotional, dramatic film and can appreciate the human psyche and authentic emotions. Be warned...this isn't Rose & Jack from Titanic my friends.

MOO!

I burned dinner tonight. I got distracted and literally just forgot about it. Who does that? What is wrong with me? I think I have early alzheimers...and a tumor because I keep having these hideous pains in my head. Oy! I really can't eat anyway (stress), so to me it wasn't too big of a loss, but I do have other mouths to feed. I was pissed!

Later in the evening my stomach was growling so I ventured to the cabinet for some late night snacks and I spotted the cereal boxes. Nothing cures late night cravings better than cereal right? Cereal is always a safe bet. Early morning or late at night...cereal is always a reliable "meal" that is neither greasy nor too filling. So I pour some in a bowl and move along to the refrigerator and am looking, searching and what do you know, there is no friggin' milk! Well, I'll be damned! Those darned kids! They drink milk like it's made of freakin' kiddie crack. I got all pissy again and started thinking of all the milk we buy (a gallon yesterday!) and how I never get an ounce of it, not that I even like it, but when I do want it it's never there! Then I start to think of all those starving children in Africa and elsewhere who don't even have clean water to drink and I feel like a complete and total ass!

My children will get a strongly worded lecture tomorrow about the importance of moderation and conservative milk drinking. As much as it costs these days, I'm going to make them get a job to pay for it.

Signed,
Selfish Mother who just wanted some stinking Cheerios.