March 28, 2009

My Heart

My grandfather's funeral was today. My heart broke to see my grandmother cry. She never cries, nor complains, nor ever wants anyone to worry about her, but I do. She said something about not wanting to be alone in the house (my grandfather died there), so my twins are staying with her for a few days since they are on spring break. Sigh. I just worry about her. I love her so much and only hope that she is now able to really live her life to the fullest.

I was thinking today and I realized that in 40 years she has never been loved by a man. This thought made me cry at the upsetting realization. I don't think he ever said anything loving toward her. Truly. :( My grandfather who passed is my step-grandfather, Luchen. My 'real' grandad, Herman, died before I was even born and was the love of my grandmother's life. She has told me so many stories of their rendevous, their romantic moments and everything that she was missing in her current life. The thought of her not being appreciated for over 40 YEARS tears me up inside. UGH! My biological grandfather died while my grandmother was pregnant with her fourth child, and back in the day a woman needed a man to survive, so she found one. Luchen was charming, good-looking and I guess wanting a wife. So she married him and the story goes.... I see so much of her in me sometimes.

Moving on...My grandmother is so wonderful and everyone who came to the funeral, sadly, just came for her benefit. I only want the best for her and for her to find true happiness. Can you imagine....40 years??? I am so sad for her and her situation. She said she isn't sure what she is feeling right now. I'm sure it's a mixture of relief and sadness for the life she has always known. Her face looked so weary. If only I could take it from her and give her her peace.....

My grandmother is my biggest inspiration. Having been a nurse for over 50 years, I learned so much from her and her compassionate nature. I remember when I decided to go to nursing school, the first person I called was her. When I graduated, the only reaction I really cared about was my boys and hers. I always want her approval and she has always given it to me. She loves me unconditionally. She is my soul mate. She makes me laugh all the time with her hilarious stories and funny anecdotes. We understand each other, despite the age gap. If I had met her when she was young I am certain we would have been best friends. Heck, she is my best friend. I offered for her to come live with me, of course, she declined. She is much too in dependant and a free spirit. I love her spontaneity and wisdom. As I said, she inspires me and I admire her so very much. I could go on and on and on about her. Bottom line....I love her with all of my heart. I love her as much as I have ever loved anyone. Aside from my kids and husband, she is the most important person in my life. OK, I'm getting incredibly mushy and sentimental now.

Here is a photo of my and my mamaw today after the funeral. Isn't she the cutest? She had changed into her 'after school clothes' and was taking a million phone calls. She cracked me up because there was a time where she just handed me the phone to listen to someone gab away. LOL Even in the worst of times, she can always procure a smile for others, that is what makes her so amazing to me. She is a selfless soul and If I could only be a fraction of who she is, then I would be happy with that. :-)